The New Suzanne


The New Suzanne

Suzanne…..Julia Sweeney
Robert…..Michael Keaton
Waiter #1…..Rob Schneider
Waiter #2…..Tim Meadows
Allan…..Phil Hartman

Suzanne: This place is very nice.

Robert: Yeah. Yeah, it is. And the food’s great, too.

Suzanne: Oh.. how do you know Steve, Dan and Rick?

Robert: Well, I work with Steve and Rick, and Dan lives across from me.

Suzanne: Really?

Robert: I’m really glad they set this thing up tonight, because.. well,they said you were a lot of fun.

Suzanne: [ laughing ] Oh, really?

Robert: And you know, we were probably gonna have.. you know.. well, theysaid, you know.. a wild time! So, I took the night off, you know,because they said it would be “worth it”.

Suzanne: Oh, is that what they said? Oh, that’s sweet! I’m surewe’ll have a nice evening.

Robert: [ excited ] Oh, yeah, yeah! I think we’re gonna have a prettyamazing night! In fact, they said that you really like your Jack Daniels, solet’s get this party rolling and get a couple Jacks, huh? [ Waiter #1 walksby ] Uh, waiter?

Waiter #1: Uh.. yes, sir? I’m not your waiter, but I’ll tell himwhat you want.

Robert: Oh. Thanks. A couple of Jack Daniels on the rocks.

Suzanne: I’m sorry. Just a Perrier for me.

[ the waiter makes a mental note, then starts to walk off. Robert grabs thewaiter and pulls him back for a second, so he can discuss the drinks withSuzanne ]

Robert: Huh?

Suzanne: I’m.. I’m not a big drinker anymore. I really can’t holdmy booze too well. I get a little.. anyway, Perrier would be fine. Thanks!

Robert: Okay. [ sends the waiter on his way ] So.. you don’t drinkanymore?

Suzanne: Oh, no! I used to be such a big partier! I used to loveto drink! The problem was, I’d get really, you know.. horny! [ laughs ]

Robert: ] trying to digest this sudden information ] Yeah.. Yeah, wedon’t want that..

Suzanne: Thank God that’s over with! I stopped drinking, and you knowwhat? I’ve never felt better!

Robert: That’s great.. you should really be proud of yourself..

Suzanne: Well, I am! You know what? I think I’m going to go all outand get the Lobster Special!

Robert: [ sensing his dilemma ] Yeah.. it’s a good choice.. good choice..

Suzanne: You know, it’s funny – when I’d go on a first date before,I’d be really insecure, and I’d order, like, the least expensive thingon the menu. Now, I think, “Hey, this guy asked me out! He mustlike me! I’m gonna order the best thing on the menu, because Ideserve it!” [ laughs ]

Robert: [ starting to grow uncomfortable ] Yeah.. that’s a good rule..a very good rule..

Suzanne: Can I tell you something? Um.. this is kind of embarrasing,but.. I used to be so wild that, if I went on a first date, half thetime we wouldn’t even make it to the restaurant. I mean, I’d meet him atthe door in a raincoat, with nothing underneath, and just drag himinto the bedroom! We wouldn’t even spend a dime![ laughs ]

Robert: [ really disappointed, but trying not to show it ] But.. that’sthe old you?

Suzanne: Oh, yeah. I was crazy back then! I would do crazy stuff likethat all the time!

Robert: Now, this all stopped how long ago?

Suzanne: Five weeks ago.

Robert: Interesting. Interesting.

Suzanne: Oh, my gosh, I was a mess! I’d do anything! I remember onceI woke up in bed with three guys! [ thinking ] Actually, it wasyour friends – Rick, Dan and Steve! Wow! I just remembered that! Isn’tthat funny?

Robert: [ tries to laugh, but can’t ] [ Waiter #2 brings their drinks to the table ]

Waiter #2: Alright.. a Jack Daniels on the rocks, and a Perrier forthe lady.. [ recognizes her ] Suzanne?!

Suzanne: Oh, my gosh! Kenny?! [ laughs and gets up to hug him ]

Waiter #2: It’s so good to see you!

Suzanne: Yeah!

Waiter #2: Look, I gotta take these orders, I’ll come back and getyours. Okay?

Suzanne: Okay!

[ Waiter #2 steps aside ]

Robert: [ greatly distressed ] Yuo know him, Suzanne?

Suzanne: Oh. Well, the old Suzanne dated him once!

Robert: Oh. What’s the old Suzanne doing now?

Suzanne: Oh, you wouldn’t want to meet her! She was crazy! I’mglad I’m telling you this, because I wouldn’t want you to worry I’m like thatanymore. I mean, that is so over, I promise you. Please don’t thinkill of me.

Robert: No, no! I don’t actually, I don’t at all. Actually, I thinkyou’re being a little too hard on yourself. You know, sometimes when youhave a bad habit like that.. or smoking, or something.. you don’twant to quit cold turkey. You know? And this isn’t me just talking,either.. it’s medical journals, it’s things I’ve read.. They say it’s just alot smarter if you just taper off. You ever read that?

Suzanne: No. This is better, believe me. I mean, a kiss on the cheekis so much more romantic to me than a night of wild sex!

Robert: [ he wishes ] Yeah.. yeah.. Yeah, I guess, in a way..

Suzanne: I mean, really.. Could you go out with a girl who, twomonths ago was dating a guy and decided to give him a little surprise becauseit was our one-month anniversary, so she crawled under the table and gavehim the best time he ever had? In a ppublic place! I mean,would you really want to date someone like that?

Robert: [ lustful, confused ] No?

Suzanne: That’s right! You wouldn’t! You know what? It was thisrestaurant, and I even thin it was this table! [ laughs ] Oh, gosh![ sees her date looking pale ] Are you okay?

Robert: Uh.. yeah.. To tell you the truth, I’m not okay. I’m justnot feeling very well..

Suzanne: Oh, well, you want to take a raincheck on this? I mean,that’s okay with me.

Robert: You sure you don’t mind? Because, maybe we should..[ looks offscreen ] Waiter, could we get our check? [ looks at Suzanne ]Let’s go, huh?

Suzanne: Alright.

[ the both get up ]

Robert: [ looks offscreen, panics ] Oh, my God..

Allan: [ offscreen ] Robert?

Robert: It’s my Dad and his new wife.

Allan: [ walks up to the table ] Robert! Son! What are you doinghere? I thought that maybe.. [ notices Suzanne ] Suzanne?!

Suzanne: Allan?! [ laughs and rushes to hug him ]

Allan: [ glancing at table ] Hey! Our table!

[ Robert reaches the height of his discomfort as the scene ends ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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