Jimmy Olson…..Rob Schneider
Hawk Woman…..Melanie Hutsell
Lex Luthor…..Al Franken
The Flash…..Adam Sandler
Green Lantern…..Tim Meadows
Lois Lane…..Julia Sweeney
Mister Fantastic…..Tom Davis
Incredible Hulk…..Chris Farley
Perry White…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Superman’s Funeral, Jimmy Olson and Lex Luthor working the door as Hawk Woman and Hawk Man enter ]
Jimmy Olson: Hawk Woman. Hawk Man. Jimmy Olson. Superman’s pal.
Hawk Woman: Don’t be silly. Of course we know you. Jimmy, it’s a terrible thing.
Jimmy Olson: I know. I’m just kind of numb. It’s Miss Lane I’m worried about. We’ll talk later. [ turns ] Lex, will you seat the Hawks over by the Teen Titans?
Lex Luthor: Certainly. Right this way. [ leads the Hawks through the procession ] [ Aquaman enters ]
Jimmy Olson: Aquaman! Glad you could make it.
Aquaman: [ holding bowl ] I brought some shrimp. If you need anything else – kelp, seaweed, anything – you just name it.
Jimmy Olson: Thanks so much. [ Aquaman walks off, as The Flash and Green Lantern enter ] Oh, Flash! Green Arrow! I mean.. Green Lantern.. I’m sorry, I’m just barely keeping it together..
The Flash: Tell me about it. Life is so unfair. You know, Superman could do anything. He could fly, X-ray vision, super-strength.. all I can do is run fast.
Jimmy Olson: Don’t say that..
The Flash: No, no, no, it’s true! All I canb do is run fast! He can run as fast as me, but he never mentioned that in all these years. Supe, he’s a real man, I like that.
Lex Luthor: [ walking up ] Uh, gentlemen, may I show you to your seats?
Green Lantern: [ outraged ] Lex Luthor! What are you doing here!
Lex Luthor: [ trying not to smile ] Uh, it’s a.. it’s a tragedy. a real tragedy.. a great loss.. just a pity.. just.. tragic..
Green Lantern: You don’t mean that, do you, Luthor?
Lex Luthor: [ smiling ] Alright, you got me, I’m glad he’s dead! He was a worthy arch rival, and I’m here to show my respect, but I gotta tlel oyu, I’m happy he’s gone – this should be a great year for me! Right this way. [ shows them to their seats ]
Lois Lane: Jimmy, they’re about to start.. still no sign of Clark?
Jimmy Olson: No. Sorry, Miss Lane, looks like Mr. Kent’s a no-show again..[ Batman takes the podium ]
Batman: [ suppressing tears ] Uh.. I’m Batman. Thank you for.. for coming.. I.. I said I wasn’t gonna cry! I was fine.. until about a minute ago.. There’s nothing more important to Superman than his friends. And looking out at all your.. [ weeps ] fa-aces.. makes me realize.. I’m sorry!
Robin: [ jumping forward ] It’s okay, Batman!
Batman: Sorry, Robin.. I can’t help it..
Robin: [ weeping ] Oh, man.. here I go.. when I see you cry, it makes me cry-y-y…[ Black Lightning enters ]
Jimmy Olson: EXcuse me.. excuse me, this is a private service.
Black Lightning: Uh-huh.. no, man, I’m Black Lightning!
Jimmy Olson: Black Lightning?
Black Lightning: Black Lightning! You know me! Me and Superman were like this! [ crosses fingers ] We were tight! I had my own comic book back in the 1970’s! i’m the one that taught him how to fly!
Jimmy Olson: Look, I’m sorry.. I’m Superman’s pal, I’ve never heard of you..
Black Lightning: Come on, man.. Black Lightning! I shoot electric charges. There’s Batman – he knows me! Yo! Batman! What’s up, man! It’s me![ Batman doesn’t recognize him ]
Jimmy Olson: Sorry, Mr. Lightning, uh.. if it were up to me, it would be no problem.. but, you know..
Black Lightning: Oh, it’s like that, huh? It’s like that?
Jimmy Olson: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to go..
Black Lightning: Alright, man! Why don’t you eat some lightning bolts, chump! [ zaps Jimmy with a lightning laser ]
Jimmy Olson: Ow! Alright, man! GET OUT!!
Black Lightning: Hey, man! Get off my case! Chump! [ zaps him again ]
Jimmy Olson: Hey! That stings! NOW, GET OUT!!
Black Lightning: [ yells ] Hey, yo! Black Lightning! [ motions, then exits ]
Batman: [ continuing his eulogy ] Uh.. some people here, from Marvel Comics, have come to pay their respects..[ Spiderman, Incredible Hulk and Mister Fantastic step up to the podium ]
Incredible Hulk: I.. I wish I.. Hulk not good with words. Hulk write it down. [ takes out sheet of paper, then puts on reading glasses ] “Superman was that rarest of things. Every superhero owes him a debt of gratitude and homage. His life was a super-human expression of the noblest asperations of man. And, in death, he has become the ideal. Of my friend Superman, I can only say this: he was.. my.. hero!” [ removes glasses, near tears ] I.. Hulk.. just.. Hulk.. Hulk just not the same! [ smashes podium to bits ] Enough said.
Jimmy Olson: [ runs up, excited ] I just heard from the Chief of Police! The Legion of Doom’s attacking Metropolis Civic Arena!
Perry White: [ jumping up ] Great Caeser’s ghost!
Jimmy Olson: You know, I can’t help thinking: this looks like a job for Superman..
Batman: Okay. Thank you, Jimmy. We’re gonna have to try to carry on without Superman. You understand me okay? Who can fly? [ hands are raised ] Okay, get going! Anybody have super strength? [ hands are raised ] Okay, great! Can anyone here change the rotation of the Earth on its axis? [hands are raised ] Really? That’s great! Come on, let’s go! Let’s do it fdor Superman! runs out with everyone else ] [ show Black Lightning in the back corner quietly pocketing Aquaman’s shrimp for himself ]
Lois Lane: [ close- up ] Oh, that Clark Kent! Where can he be? He’s missing Superman’s funeral![ image of Lois transforms into a coimc book page, as the issue is closed ]