Clinton at McDonald’s
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Kevin Nealon
Cashier…..Melanie Hutsell
Female Customer…..Ellen Cleghorne
Les Holmgren…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Tom Arnold
College Student…..Julia Sweeney
Male Customer…..Rob Schneider
[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into aD.C. McDonald’s ]
Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let’s stop here for a second. I’m alittle parched from the fog.
Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we’ve only been jogging for threeblocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fastfood places.
Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talkwith some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..
Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something – there’s gonna be alot of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is theleast of our worries.
Cashier: Oh, my God! It’s Bill Clinton!
Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to ayoung mother ] That’s an adorable baby. What’s your name, sweetheart?
Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.
Bill Clinton: Now, that means “African Princess”, doesn’t it?
Female Customer: Why, yes!
Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be aprincess. Are you gonna finish those fries?
Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?
Bill Clinton: Well, if you’re not gonna eat ’em.. [ grabs the friesand eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of yourmom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doingover here?
Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?
Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.
Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a networkof community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself.I see your boy doesn’t like pickles.
Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!
Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, goodluck to you. We’re gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missedone. [ grabs remaining pickle ]
Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I’m Kevin O’Brien, the manager,and I just want to thank you for dropping by – again.
Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You’ve got a real Americanfamily place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?
Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..
Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.
Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of thosesausage patties.
Bill Clinton: You read my mind!
Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you’d prefera McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.
College Student: Governor Clinton? I’m a sophomore in college, andI may have to drop out because my parents can’t afford tuition.
Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that’sone of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?
College Student: Would you like to try it?
Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that’snot bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every studentto.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh!That hit the spot!
Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and soursauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?
Manager: For your McMuffin?
Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.
Male Customer: You can use mine.
Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.
Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.
Bill Clinton: That’s it. Just pour it all on!
Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?
Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that’s a good question.Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we’re sending in..[ holds us McMuffin ] ..food.. [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ]..to Somalia.. but it’s not getting to the people who need it because..[ brings McMuffin back to himself ] ..it’s being intercepted by thewarlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it’s not just us. It’s othercountries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNuggetis aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles itdown ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone’s Filet-o-Fish ] Thisman’s Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ]..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs differentitems ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it’s just gonna end up with.. [ puts itall in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based internationalmilitary force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one andplaces it on someone’s tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picksit up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?
Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continueyour jog. We’ve only gone about an eighth of a mile.
Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?
Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.
Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!
[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald’s, as the Secret Service agents followright behind him ]
