Clinton at McDonald’s


Clinton at McDonald’s

Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Kevin Nealon
Cashier…..Melanie Hutsell
Female Customer…..Ellen Cleghorne
Les Holmgren…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Tom Arnold
College Student…..Julia Sweeney
Male Customer…..Rob Schneider

[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into aD.C. McDonald’s ]

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let’s stop here for a second. I’m alittle parched from the fog.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we’ve only been jogging for threeblocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fastfood places.

Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talkwith some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something – there’s gonna be alot of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is theleast of our worries.

Cashier: Oh, my God! It’s Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to ayoung mother ] That’s an adorable baby. What’s your name, sweetheart?

Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.

Bill Clinton: Now, that means “African Princess”, doesn’t it?

Female Customer: Why, yes!

Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be aprincess. Are you gonna finish those fries?

Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?

Bill Clinton: Well, if you’re not gonna eat ’em.. [ grabs the friesand eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of yourmom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doingover here?

Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?

Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.

Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a networkof community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself.I see your boy doesn’t like pickles.

Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!

Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, goodluck to you. We’re gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missedone. [ grabs remaining pickle ]

Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I’m Kevin O’Brien, the manager,and I just want to thank you for dropping by – again.

Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You’ve got a real Americanfamily place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?

Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..

Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.

Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of thosesausage patties.

Bill Clinton: You read my mind!

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you’d prefera McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.

College Student: Governor Clinton? I’m a sophomore in college, andI may have to drop out because my parents can’t afford tuition.

Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that’sone of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?

College Student: Would you like to try it?

Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that’snot bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every studentto.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh!That hit the spot!

Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and soursauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?

Manager: For your McMuffin?

Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.

Male Customer: You can use mine.

Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.

Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.

Bill Clinton: That’s it. Just pour it all on!

Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?

Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that’s a good question.Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we’re sending in..[ holds us McMuffin ] [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ] Somalia.. but it’s not getting to the people who need it because..[ brings McMuffin back to himself ]’s being intercepted by thewarlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it’s not just us. It’s othercountries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNuggetis aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles itdown ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone’s Filet-o-Fish ] Thisman’s Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ]..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs differentitems ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it’s just gonna end up with.. [ puts itall in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based internationalmilitary force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one andplaces it on someone’s tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picksit up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?

Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continueyour jog. We’ve only gone about an eighth of a mile.

Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?

Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.

Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!

[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald’s, as the Secret Service agents followright behind him ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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