Dogs

5
(1)

Dogs

…..Tom Arnold
Lead Singer…..Adam Sandler
Backup Singer….. Rob Schneider
Bassist….. Mike Myers
Rhythm Guitarist….. Rob Smigel
Drummer…..Dana Carvey
Fan #1 …..Melanie Hutsell
Fan #2 …..Chris Farley
Fan #3 ….. David Spade

Tom Arnold: You know, I’m a huge fan of the Seattle rock scene, and this
summer I spent a little time up there and I saw a band that really blew me
away. I’m honored to introduce them here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen –
Dogs!

[ Cut to the stage where Dogs performs-the backup singer and bassist are
wearing leash harnesses, the rhythm guitarist has a frisbee in his mouth,
the drummer on a pedestal resembling a doggie dish has a bow in his hair,
and the shirtless lead singer/lead guitarist wears a collar and tags and has
eight nipples. ]

Dogs:
“1, 2, 3, 4!”
[ they start playing as spectators watch on ]

“Well, I’m jumping on the table cause nothing seems quite as nice,
Now my face is in my poo, that’s your clever punishment device.
I slept on the couch,
I THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE IT!
Brought you a dead bird,
I THOUGHT YOU’D EAT IT!
So now you’re like my nose, cold as iiiiiiiiiiice!

[ Fan #1 goes up and pets the lead singer’s hair, then walks off
triumphantly]

Cause I was baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t make on the wee-wee pad!

[ Fan #2 takes a doggie treat out of his pocket and feeds it to the bassist]

Oh what’s my name again?
I’m sorry I didn’t come running
No dinner for me? So sad
It makes its own gravy
Now I’m puking on the carpet,
I COULDN’T HELP IT!
I’m drinking from the toilet
IT’S JUST A HABIT!
I swear that smell you smell is not from meeeee!

But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!

[ Fan #3 scratches the backup singers neck]

Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t go on the wee-wee pad!

Have you ever tasted your brown shoes?
I think you might be surpri-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-sed”

[ guitar solo, during which Fan #2 rubs the lead singer’s belly]

“Squeeze toy!”
[Backup singer squeezes the squeeze toy ]

“Well, don’t you know it’s shedding season
Or is that a dirty word?
And weren’t you the one who said, “Stay inside!”
I’ll bring you the tennis ball
BUT YOU DON’T THROW IT!
I run for the tennis ball
BUT YOU JUST FAKED IT!
Oh you’re just way too smart for meeeee!

But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t make on your wee-wee pad!”

[A giant leg appears, which the lead singer, backup singer and rhythm
guitarist hump. End song ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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