Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High

Steven…..David Spade
Mom…..Julia Sweeney
Dad…..Tom Arnold
Andrew…..Mike Myers
Edward Osgood…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a production of WNET New York in cooperation with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting”

Narrator: And now we bring you the PBS Afterschool Special: “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High.”

[ open on suburban living room, teenager Steve preparing to go out as his parents sit on the sofa ]

Dad: Big date tonight,huh, Steve?

Steve: Yeah! [ laughs ] Dad? Just this once, can I stay out ’til 1 o’clock?

Dad: [ thinking ] How about 12:30?

Steven: Okay, 12:30 it is! Look, I gotta run, I’ll see you!

Mom: Have fun.

Steven: Okay! [ runs out the door ]

Mom: Honey, are you worried about this getting too serious?

Dad: Well, you know, Andrew treats him a lot better than Roger did.

Mom: I know, I never liked that creep Roger. But I am worried that Andrew’s too old for Steven. I mean, he’s a Senior, and he runs with a really fast crowd..

Dad: Honey, Steven is a smart kid, he’s gonna be okay.

[ dissolve to Steven with Andrew in his car, driving down the street ]

Andrew: My, uh.. my parents are out of town this week. Why don’t you stay over? I think it’s time we “go all the way”.

Steven: [ relunctant ] I don’t know..

Andrew: [ angry ] What do you mean, you don’t know?!

Steven: I mean.. I like kissing you and hugging you, and stuff, but.. I’m scared to all the way, I’ve.. never done it before, I’m only a Freshman.

Andrew: Look, everyone’s doing it, okay? It’s no big deal! If you love me, you’ll do it..

Steven: I do love you, Andrew, it’s just that..

Andrew: Hey! I don’t need to be wasting my time with Freshmen, okay? You know, there’s ten guys that would kill to stay with me at my parents’! I scored four touchdowns last week!

Steven: I know! I cheered the loudest! But.. this is all happening too fast.. I can’t think.. it’s too soon..

Andrew: Well, maybe I should just take you back to mommy and Daddy, and you can think about it!

[ dissolve back to the family living room, Mom and Dad still talking ]

Dad: But, you know, really, honey, Andrew, he seems like a good kid.. he’s got his feet on the ground, and he hear he’s quite an athlete. Steven tells me he scored four touchdowns last week!

Mom: Yeah, I suppose dating a big football player is a feather in the cap of a Freshman..

Steven: [ runs in crying, flops on the sofa ]

Mom: Honey, what happened?

Dad: What’s going on?

Steve: [ muffled ] Andrew told me that.. if I don’t do it.. I’m scared.. I don’t want to..”

Dad: Hey, hey, hold on, tiger.. is this about Andrew?

Steven: [ pulls his head out from behind the sofa cushion ] He wants me to.. go all the way.. I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do..

Mom: Well, I think I’d better leave you two.. alone. [ exits ]

Dad: You’re scared, aren’t you? Now, that’s only natural. Andrew means everything in the world to you, doesn’t he? You know, I never told you this, but.. I remember when I was in high school, and I had the biggest crush on Tab Hunter.

Steven: Who’s that?

Dad: Who’s that? Only the most gorgeous hunk of a movie star that ever lit up the silver screen, that’s who! Boy, I was just crazy about him – everything was just “Tab Hunter this..” and “Tab Hunter that..” I thought the sun rose and set around Tab Hunter. Anyway.. then, I met your mother, and, well, you know the rest..

Steven: So, I should do it? Dad, I don’t..

Dad: No, I didn’t say that. I didn’t say that. It’s up to you. you’re a big kid, and you’ve got to make your own decisions. [ shakes Steven’s hand, passing a condom to him ]

Steven: Thanks, Dad.

[ cut to the PBS Pledge Studios, Edward Osgood in foreground ]

Edward Osgood: Hello. I’m Edward Osgood, Programming Director of WNET New York. The program you’ve been watching – “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High” – was made possible by a generous grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. But without your contributions, PBS can’t can’t continue to produce this and other fine programs. Programs like “Nude Black Man Today”, “The Fidel Castro 60th Birthday Gala”, and our award-winning 12-part “History of Police Brutality”, hosted by Ice T. Governemnt funding, through your tax dollars, isn’t enough. It’s barely $600 million. So, please call and pledge morem oney, operators are standing by. And, if you’re pledging $30 or more, specify whether you’d like the Robert Maplethorpe Tote Bag, or the Abortion Yes Umbrella! We now return to “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High”.

[ cut back to the program, Steven at hi hogh school locker with a friend ]

Friend: Hey, Steve. Did you and Andrew do it?

Steven: No.

Friend: [ suprised ] No-o? Why not? He’s so excellent!

Steven: I know.. I want to, but.. when he touches me, I get scared, I can’t think, it..

[ on the other side of the hallway, Andrew punches his locker ]

Friend: Uh-oh. I’d better get going. Good luck. [ continues down the hall ]

Steven: [ as Andrew approaches ] Hi.

Andrew: Hi.

Steven: So, is that offer still good for this weekend?

Andrew: [ surprised ] Yeah! Are you serious?

Steven: Yeah. You know.. I was nervous, because it’s my first time and everything, but.. you know, I think it’s right.

Andrew: I have a confession to make – it’s my first time, too.

Steven: [ surprised ] No way, not you!

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Steven: Well, then, you might need this. [ holds up his condom ]

Andrew: [ amazed ] Hey! You might be a Freshman, but you sure think like a Senior. Come on.. walk me to practice.

[ they walk off, screen freezes as Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” plays to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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