What’s the Best Way

What’s the Best Way

Stanley Sperrow…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Vallencourt…..Adam Sandler
Katie McGregor…..Glenn Close
Wayne Dunbar…..Phil Hartman
Kalahari Bushman…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: From Boston Mass, right off the Mass Turnpike, it’s What’s The Best Way – All right, here’s your host, Stanley Sperrow –

Stanley Sperrow: Hello, welcome to What’s the Best Way, the only game show by New Englanders, for New Englanders. Ok folks, ready to play?

Contestants: Aya, aya.

Stanley Sperrow: Some weather we’re having.

Contestants: Oh yeah, oh yeah, Nor’easter.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, 1st question. How do you get from Providence Rhode Island, to Worchester Mass?

(Tony buzzes in)

Tony Vallencourt: Ok, whatcha gotta do is get on 95 north, follow that to 495, then ya take that for about an hour. Then your gonna see signs for the Mass Pike. Ok get into the far (fah) left lane, then take the Mass Pike west and you’ll see this WICKED huge Radio Shack. That’s where ya get off, and you’re in Worchester, you’re right there pal.

Stanley Sperrow: That’s correct, yep, ok, here we go. Ok, who’s got directions from Quincy Mass, to to Jordan Marsh (Jahdan Mahsh) department store in Bedford, New Hampshire?

(Katie buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Katie.

Katie McGregor: Ok, now you wanna take 93 north to Route 3, now the Jordan Marsh is off exit 6, and it’s one, uh two, um 3 traffic lights. But ifyou’re heading up there, you really ought to eat breakfast at Shirley’s Pancake House, now it’s close-by, and they have wonderful peach cobbler – but don’t go ona Sunday, cause the after-church crowd is bound to –

Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Oh, sorry, that’s more than we need.

(Wayne buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Wayne.

Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Ok – from Quincy to the Jordan Marsh in Bedford, alright, well there are several ways to get there, lets see, well the old route 14 used to go straight there – you just follow the Merrimack River – but that was before the war – so – now you’d have to –

Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Sorry, we have a time limit.

Wayne Dunbar: Alright, good luck.

(Tony buzzes in)

Tony Vallencourt: Ok, its 93 north to 3, but its four traffic lights, you hit a Chevron station, and a little past that there’s gonna be a retarded (retahded) kid selling fireworks. Hang a left by him you’re at the Jordan Marsh pal.

(Wrong answer)

Stanley Sperrow: Oh, sorry. The correct answer is 93 north to 3 north, exit 6, but you hang a right at the retarded kid, and if you cut through the Bedford Mall parking lot you save yourself 5 minutes.

Tony Vallencourt: Is that right pal?

Stanley Sperrow: Oh yeah. Ok, lets meet our contestants. First, Tony Vallencourt. You’re an electrical contractor, you enjoy that?

Tony Vallencourt: Oh yeah, pissah.

Stanley Sperrow: And what do you do in your free time?

Tony Vallencourt: I snow plow the K-Mart plaza parking lot and, uh,candlepin bowling.

Stanley Sperrow: Alright, Katie McGregor. You work at a wicker shop?

Katie McGregor: Aya, I’m part (paht) owner.

Stanley Sperrow: And what do you do in your free time?

Katie McGregor: I like to make pottery, and I like to candlepin bowl.

Stanley Sperrow: Ah – and Wayne Dunbar, you’re retired?

Wayne Dunbar: Aya.

Stanley Sperrow: And in your free time?

Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Oh, you know, go out on the porch – look out at the stars – and candlepin bowling.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok folks, back to our game. From Hartford to Sturbridge –

(Katie buzzes in)

Katie McGregor: Ok, now that’s straight on route 84, but you’re gonna want to avoid the tourist traps up there, now, if you go up Manhill Road,you’ll see a pretty Bed and Breakfast in Bradford – but that’s a little out of your way, but it’s very reasonable. And there’s a farm (fahm) down the hill where you can get fresh Maine blueberries, of course, but that’s only in the summer –

(Wrong answer)

Stanley Sperrow: Sorry Katie, I didn’t finish the question. From Hartford to Sturbridge, how many Dunkin Donuts along the way?

(Tony buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Tony.

Tony Vallencourt: Fourteen.

Stanley Sperrow: Correct! Bonus point for each drive-thru.

Tony Vallencourt: – Four

Stanley Sperrow: That’s right!

Tony Vallencourt: Yeah, and the one in Caucus got this WICKED fat kid workin’ there.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, from Boston (Bahston) Mass to Nashua New Hampshire.

(Wayne buzzes in)

Wayne Dunbar: Can’t get there from here.

(Wrong answer)

Stanley Sperrow: Sorry, you can.

(Tony buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Tony.

Tony Vallencourt: Boston to Nashua? You goin’ up there to buy liquor pally?

Stanley Sperrow: Aya, no sales tax.

Tony Vallencourt: Alright, you just gotta shoot up 95, but watch your ass crossin’ over the border. Those state troopers are outa control.

Stanley Sperrow: That’s correct Tony!

Tony Vallencourt: Hey, I don’t care if you’re 1 mile over the speed limit, they’re haulin’ your ass into MuniCourt.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, Tony.

Tony Vallencourt: I’m tellin’ ya pal, these guys got a quota and a WICKED radar (radah) gun.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, Tony, the game’s still going here. Newport, Rhode Island to Roxbury Mass.

(Katie buzzes in)

Katie McGregor: What do ya wanna go there for?

Stanley Sperrow: That’s right, there’s no reason to go to Roxbury!

Tony Vallencourt: Hey you can go to Roxbury if you bring your nunchucks pal, I’ll tell you that much.

Stanley Sperrow: A whole lotta crack up there. Ok, homestretch.

Tony Vallencourt: Those maniacs’ll slice ya and dice ya pally.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok Tony. Ok – how do you get from Dorchester Mass, to Mike Bigelow’s house?

(Wayne buzzes in)

Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Ok, from Dorchester, oh dear, that’s uh,alright, well Dorchester’s south of Shrewsbury, so –

Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Oh sorry, we could see what was coming.

Wayne Dunbar: Alright, good luck.

(sirens)

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, that means we’re out of time, so Tony, you’re the winner pal. (Music plays, curtain opens) That means you’ll be joining our bonus round over here, and you’ll be joining our Kalahari Bushman,and his innate sense of direction. Welcome back Zelma.

Kalahari Bushman: (makes tongue noise) Good to be back.

Stanley Sperrow: Alright, how do you get from New Milford Connecticut, to the biggest Waterslide in Boothbay Harbor Maine?

(Tony and Bushman give directions, Bushman finishes first)

Stanley Sperrow: The Bushman’s got it! The Bushman’s got it! – Well don’t feel bad Tony; you still win a quart of Block Island Honey.

Tony Vallencourt: That’s wicked good!

Stanley Sperrow: And Zelma, as always you win a pound and a quart of fresh Maine lobster.

Kalahari Bushman: (makes tongue noise) Pissah.

Stanley Sperrow: Alright, see you next time on “How do You Get There?”.

Katie McGregor: You mean, “What’s The Best Way?”.

Stanley Sperrow: There ya go.

(fade)

Thanks to Victoria for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts