“Sex” on Tape


“Sex” on Tape

Sound Operator…..Kevin Nealon
Al Goldstein…..Danny DeVito
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Book Executive…..Adam Sandler
Technician…..Rob Schneider

[ actor Charlton Heston and Screw magazine editor Al Goldstein are converting Madonna’s “Sex” book to tape ]

Sound Operator: Books on Tape. The book is “Sex”, by Madonna; text by Charlton Heston; and photo interpretation by Al Goldstein. Page 63. Okay, let’s try one.

Charlton Heston: Uh.. I’m having a problem with the word at the top of the page.

Sound Operator: Which one?

Charlton Heston: The “P” word. Couldn’t I just say “vagina”?

Al Goldstein: Heston, you sound like an old whore. Read it the way Madonna wrote it! Show some respect!

Charlton Heston: I’m sorry.. I’m just uncomfortable with it. I understand what you’re saying. You want something young and hip – I could say something like.. furburger?

Book Executive: [ to the Sound Operator ] No, no, no! Tell him that’s not going to work.

Charlton Heston: Gene Tierney had a funny word for it – the Erie Canal..? Or the Suez.. what was it..? [ reflective ]

Sound Operator: Hold on a second, Mr. Heston, we have to come up with a decision in here.. [ huddles up with the Book Executive and the Technician ]

Technician: Look, let him say what he wants. I can fix it in the post. I’ll sample the tape, we’ll build a word. Remember yesterday, on page 53, he said “thrust and push”? I’ll just use the syllable “push”, and I’ll add an “E” to it. Then, we’ve got our word.

Book Executive: Okay, whoa, whoa.. “Pushy“? He’s gonna be saying, “I like my pushy“? “I like to look at my pushy“? What’s that?

Technician: I can take the “H” out!

Sound Operator: If you say so. [ leaning up to the microphone ] Alright, Mr. Heston? “Vagina” will be fine. Alright, we’re gonna keep the tape rolling.. and, Al? When Mr. Heston is through reading on page 63, you can pick up with the photos on 64 and 65, down to.. “Two Scary Lesbos on a Raft.”

Al Goldstein: Down to the lesbos, alright.

Sound Operator: Okay, and then we’ll break for lunch. Let’s bring one down.

Al Goldstein: Got it.

Charlton Heston: [ reading ] “I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror, when I’m undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair. Sometimes I sit at the edge of my bed, spread my legs and stare into the mirror, and wonder what others see. I love my vagina. It is the complete summation of my life.” [ turns the page ]

Al Goldstein: [ taking over, describes the pictures ] Oh, man! This next page, I don’t believe what I’m looking at! [ laughs ] She’s completely naked. She’s got a full-length mirror on the floor.. and she’s sitting on it, like she’s getting ready to snap the ball to Warren Moon! Madonna, you are such a whore! [ turns the page ] On this next page, she’s sitting on the old guy’s lap. She’s wearing anklets, and white cotton panties with nothing on top! I’m telling you – this makes me soooo horny! And, I gotta tell you – there’s a difference between horny and horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]

Charlton Heston: [ interrupting with his thoughts ] You know, Ernie Borgnine had a thing for white cotton panties..

Book Executive: [ annoyed ] What is he doing?

Sound Operator: [ into the microphone ] Mr. Heston, try not to ad-lib, okay?

Charlton Heston: Sorry.

Sound Operator: Hey look, as long as we’re stopped, let’s break for lunch. When we come back, we’ll pick up on page 66.

Charlton Heston: Page 66? That’s where’s she’s whipping a room full of naked men while wearing a formal?

Al Goldstein: [ excited ] Yeah, that’s it! It’s kind of horny, but not.. horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]

Charlton Heston: Ah, yes..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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