Simon…..Mike Myers
Vinnie Esposito…..Danny Devito

Announcer: It’s BBC 1 and it’s 5 o’clock. I hope you enjoyed all 11 hours of the ‘Norfolk Plowing Competition’, and before that ‘Let’s Have A Look At your Willie’ with Dick Smitten. And now boys and girls, it’s time to visit our little friend Simon.

[ open on montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.
I like to draw all day long
so come and do drawerings with me.
Come and do drawerings with me!

[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to see the audience ]

Simon: Hello! My name is Simon. I like to do drawerings. Today, I have an American friend in the bath with me. I met him on my Christmas holidays in Atlantic City. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? [Audience cheers] Okay, his name is Vinnie Esposito and he’s ever so friendly.

Vinnie: Yo, how you doin’?

Simon: My dad works for a big American company and might be getting into business with his dad.

Vinnie: My old man’s in construction.

Simon: Just like me, Vinnie doesn’t have a mummy. My mummy’s with the angels.

Vinnie: My mummy’s sleepin’ with the fishes. My daddy said she had a BIG mouth.

Simon: Vinnie, didn’t you think that Christmas in Atlantic City was ever so fun?

Vinnie: It didn’t suck.

Simon: I had a great Christmas. All Christmas day long I played the slot machines by myself, and every 2 hours a nice lady named Bambi would take me to the toilets.

Vinnie: Speaking of toilets, while you were just talking, I made.

Simon: I thought it was getting warmer in here. Cheeky monkey! Anyways, I did a drawering at the casino. Do you want to see it? Do you? Do you? [audience cheers] [Simon bends down to get drawing] Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don’t look. Okay, this is a drawering of my daddy at the Roulette table. He’s shouting for more credit. “Give me more credit”, he said. So I said, “All right then. I think you’re a great daddy, and I think this is the best Christmas ever”. But evidentaly, that’s not the kind of credit he needed, and he was wisked away into a darkened room. Do you have any Christmas drawerings, Vinnie?

Vinnie: Yes I do. [Vinnie bends down to get drawing] Were you lookin’ at my ass? Don’t look at my ass! Ass-looker! [To Simon] They was lookin’ at my ass!

Simon: Don’t let ’em. Don’t let ’em. Don’t.

Vinnie: Okay. It’s a drawering of Joey “The Neck” Vatelli dressed up as Santa. I asked daddy why Santa Claus was covered in blood, and he told me sometimes Santa Claus gotta get wacked.

Simon: Fair enough. Fair enough. All right then. This is a drawering of one of my Christmas presents from my Auntie Mollie. It’s a year’s membership to the Chocolate Bar of the Month Club. January is Cadbury’s Goosberry month.

Vinnie: Well, this is what I got. This is a BB gun. I use it for shooting rabits and other small vermin.

Simon: I got another present. It was from my former nanny, who’s a hippie. It’s a vest made out of ma-crah-me.

Vinnie: You mean macrame.

Simon: All she does is eat toffu all day long.

Vinnie: You mean tofu.

Simon: If you like. And she even grows her own ore-gahn-o.

Vinnie: That’s oregano, you limey freak!

Simon: My daddy says that Americans and British people are seperated by a common language.

Vinnie: All’s I know is that my dad could take your dad.

Simon: That’s probably true because sadly my dad doesn’t carry firearms. Okay, that’s all the time we have for this week. My guest has been Vinnie. Have a happy new year!

Vinnie: Happy new year, Simon.

Simon: Did it just get warmer in here again?

Vinnie: Maybe.

Simon: Cheeky monkey! Bye Bye!

Vinnie: Bye!

[ Simon and Vinnie throw bubbles int he air, as scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.

[ fade ]

Thanks to Kelly Bumford for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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