Simon…..Mike Myers
Vinnie Esposito…..Danny Devito

Announcer: It’s BBC 1 and it’s 5 o’clock. I hope you enjoyed all 11 hours of the ‘Norfolk Plowing Competition’, and before that ‘Let’s Have A Look At your Willie’ with Dick Smitten. And now boys and girls, it’s time to visit our little friend Simon.

[ open on montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.
I like to draw all day long
so come and do drawerings with me.
Come and do drawerings with me!

[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to see the audience ]

Simon: Hello! My name is Simon. I like to do drawerings. Today, I have an American friend in the bath with me. I met him on my Christmas holidays in Atlantic City. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? [Audience cheers] Okay, his name is Vinnie Esposito and he’s ever so friendly.

Vinnie: Yo, how you doin’?

Simon: My dad works for a big American company and might be getting into business with his dad.

Vinnie: My old man’s in construction.

Simon: Just like me, Vinnie doesn’t have a mummy. My mummy’s with the angels.

Vinnie: My mummy’s sleepin’ with the fishes. My daddy said she had a BIG mouth.

Simon: Vinnie, didn’t you think that Christmas in Atlantic City was ever so fun?

Vinnie: It didn’t suck.

Simon: I had a great Christmas. All Christmas day long I played the slot machines by myself, and every 2 hours a nice lady named Bambi would take me to the toilets.

Vinnie: Speaking of toilets, while you were just talking, I made.

Simon: I thought it was getting warmer in here. Cheeky monkey! Anyways, I did a drawering at the casino. Do you want to see it? Do you? Do you? [audience cheers] [Simon bends down to get drawing] Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don’t look. Okay, this is a drawering of my daddy at the Roulette table. He’s shouting for more credit. “Give me more credit”, he said. So I said, “All right then. I think you’re a great daddy, and I think this is the best Christmas ever”. But evidentaly, that’s not the kind of credit he needed, and he was wisked away into a darkened room. Do you have any Christmas drawerings, Vinnie?

Vinnie: Yes I do. [Vinnie bends down to get drawing] Were you lookin’ at my ass? Don’t look at my ass! Ass-looker! [To Simon] They was lookin’ at my ass!

Simon: Don’t let ’em. Don’t let ’em. Don’t.

Vinnie: Okay. It’s a drawering of Joey “The Neck” Vatelli dressed up as Santa. I asked daddy why Santa Claus was covered in blood, and he told me sometimes Santa Claus gotta get wacked.

Simon: Fair enough. Fair enough. All right then. This is a drawering of one of my Christmas presents from my Auntie Mollie. It’s a year’s membership to the Chocolate Bar of the Month Club. January is Cadbury’s Goosberry month.

Vinnie: Well, this is what I got. This is a BB gun. I use it for shooting rabits and other small vermin.

Simon: I got another present. It was from my former nanny, who’s a hippie. It’s a vest made out of ma-crah-me.

Vinnie: You mean macrame.

Simon: All she does is eat toffu all day long.

Vinnie: You mean tofu.

Simon: If you like. And she even grows her own ore-gahn-o.

Vinnie: That’s oregano, you limey freak!

Simon: My daddy says that Americans and British people are seperated by a common language.

Vinnie: All’s I know is that my dad could take your dad.

Simon: That’s probably true because sadly my dad doesn’t carry firearms. Okay, that’s all the time we have for this week. My guest has been Vinnie. Have a happy new year!

Vinnie: Happy new year, Simon.

Simon: Did it just get warmer in here again?

Vinnie: Maybe.

Simon: Cheeky monkey! Bye Bye!

Vinnie: Bye!

[ Simon and Vinnie throw bubbles int he air, as scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.

[ fade ]

Thanks to Kelly Bumford for this transcript!

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