Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 12
Open White House
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Crazy Man #1…..Tim Meadows
Alan Demming…..Rob Schneider
Italian Prime Minister……Giorgio Armani
Crazy Man #2…..Kevin Nealon
Lord of Destruction…..Adam Sandler
Alan Demming: Alright… these are my notes. Everything you need is in here. Be careful — [ he glances over his shoulder ] This is my only copy. [ he glances at Hillary ] Who’s that?
President Bill Clinton: [ proudly ] This is my wife Hillary.
Alan Demming: [ whispering ] Can she be trusted?
President Bill Clinton: I think so.
Alan Demming: “THINK so” doesn’t quite cut it! The takes are too high!
Hillary Clinton: [ extending her hand ] Hi! It’s good to meet you. How are you?[ Bill takes the crumpled newspapers ]
Alan Demming: [ to Hillary ] Nice try. [ he storms off ]
Guard: [ leaning in ] A man proclaiming to be the Prime Minister of Italy.[ the Prime Minister steps forward ]
President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming, Mr. Prime Minister!
Italian Prime Minister: [ speaks in perfect Italian and kisses Bill’s cheeks ]
President Bill Clinton: This is my wife Hillary.
Italian Prime Minister: Hi, Hillary. [ he shakes her hand, then speaks more Italian ] Nice jacket. [ he fondles Hillary’s breast area ]
Hillary Clinton: Well… thank you for coming. We’ll wake up every morning thinking of you.
Italian Prime Minister: Grazi.[ he walks off, as Hillary clutches onto Bill ]
Hillary Clinton: Honey, we’ve, uh — we’ve got a little problem here. I’ve just been told that the crazy people we’re talking to are NOT the crazy people who had tickets.
President Bill Clinton: What are you saying? That these crazy people are crashers?
Hillary Clinton: Well, apparently so. And now we’ve got several hundred very angry, very crazy people out on the lawn who feel that they’re being screwed and, frankly, I think they’ve got a point.
President Bill Clinton: Well, okay. Let’s just get through this group.[ Bill turns to find a crazy man standing before him ]
President Bill Clinton: Hi! Sorry to keep you waiting.
Crazy Man #2: [ angry ] You BLACK son of a bitch![ dissolve to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: Later this week: In recognition of National Fitness Month, President and Mrs. Clinton hosted a group of 800 professional wrestlers.[ dissolve to Bill and Hillary shaking hands with a line of wrestlers ]
President Bill Clinton: Thank you.[ a second Wrestler lurches forward ]
Wrestler: [ in Bill’s face ] Alright, Clinton!! You did some pretty big talking during the campaign, when you were standing behind a woman’s SKIRT!! Your name should be Bill CHICKEN!! Not Bill CLINTON!! President Bill CHICKEN!!! ‘Cause that’s what you are!! A CHICKEN!!!
President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, thank you for coming.[ the Wrestler hapily shakes Bill and Hillary’s hands and continues down the line ]
Guard: [ leaning in ] Lord of Destruction.
Lord of Destruction: LISTEN UP, BILL-O-METER!!! YEAH, BILL-O-METER!! NOT BILL!! THAT’S YOU…!![ dissolve to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: On Friday, President Clinton welcomed Italian Prime Minister Giuliano Amato, for talks on trade and currency stabilization.[ dissolve to Bill Clinton seated with Giuliano Amato ]
President Bill Clinton: Once again, on behalf of all Americans, I want to apologize to Prime Minister Amato for the unfortunate mix-up on Tuesday… and the treatment he received from White House security. I’m sure the Prime Minister understands that, once he wandered onto the bus… there was simply no way, absent an interpretor, to verify that he was the Prime Minister of Italy and not a crazy person… many of whom claim to be visiting heads of state.
Italian Prime Minister: No problem.
President Bill Clinton: The shots he was given will have little or no lasting effect… and we believe he can return to Italy as soon as doctors say he is able to fly. [ he smiles ] [ dissolve to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”