Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 12
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Opera Man…..Adam Sandler
Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
Keith Richards…..Mick Jagger
Kevin Nealon: Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon.
Well, President Clinton went jogging Tuesday morning, and saw his shadow. Meaning six more weeks of a screwed-up White House transition.
And now, our top story: With the Zoe Baird and Kimba Wood controversies hardly over with, the Clinton administration was rocked by a third scandal this week, when Communications director George Stephanapolis was caught trying to buy beer with a fake driver’s license.
In light of Kimba Wood’s withdrawal from consideration as Attorney-General, the White house has added five new questions to its candidate-screening process. #1: Have you ever hired an illegal alien? #2. Are you sure? #3. Are you absolutely sure? #4. Seriously. Don’t jerk us around here. And #5. Alright, let’s move on now – True or False, I have hired an illegal alien.
The Clinton administration has narrowed its search for a possible Attorney General to those they definitely know never hired an illegal alien babysitter. Topping the list is David & Sharon “Home Alone” Shoe, of St. Charles, Illinois.
Former Vice-President Quayle has sold his memoirs for over one million dollars. The publishers said that the book will be titled: “Wow! I Sold My Memoirs For Over One Million Dollars!”
And, this week, J. Edgar Hoover’s application to the Army was posthumously rejected. That’s too bad.
The Los Angeles Federal Court is preparing for the trial of the L.A. police officers accused of beating Rodney King nearly two years ago. Although jury screening has begun, police are still out on the street rounding up potential jurors, just in case.
Kevin Nealon: And now, with a look at people and places in the news, here’s Weekend Update’s Opera Man.
Opera Man: Grazie, Kevin! Grazie![ “Gays In Military?” headline ]“Lifto ban-oh, limpa wrista
Pentagon es mucho piss-dah
Watchah da backah, watchah da crotchie
Itssa Seargeant Liberace!” [ Hillary Clinton ]“Hillary! La advisor!
Hillary! Power trip-ah!
El Presidente es pusso whip-ah!” [ Superbowl ]“Buffalo destroyedo
El choke-oh third yearo
Lose-oh mucho dinero!
Ah ah ah ah ah ah!” [ Al Gore dancing ]“Gore-oh, no more-oh!
You scar-ah da bambinos!” [ Harry Connick, Jr. ]“You unnah arrestah
You unnah arrestah.
Aero porto no sweet
You pack-ah da heat
You unnah arrestah.” [ Prince Charles ]“970-CHARLES-oh
Get it on-ah
En Camillah’s pantalones
Senor Chucko is tampona!” [ “Operaman” ]“Das all, datsa de endah!
Bye-i-i-i-i-ye.. byyyyyyyyyye!” [ roses are thrown at Opera Man ]
Oh, no! Grazie! Ohy, yes!
Kevin Nealon: Opera Man!
Dr. Jack Kevorkian helped two more patients commit suicide this week, taking them in his car and escorting them to the drive-in window of the local Jack-In-The-Box.
And a recent study indicates that cellular phone users may be more likely to develop brain tumors. The problem has gotten very little public attention, however, since most people don’t care if people who use cellular phones die.
Donald Trump, this week, announced plans to build the world’s largest casino in Israel – the Trump Taj Ma-Hava-Nagila.
Kevin Nealon: This week, Warner Brothers’ Records dropped rap artist Ice T from their label, after further controversy over his song “Cop Killer”. Was the decision justified? Here with a Point Counterpoint are Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.
Mick Jagger: It’s outrageous, man! It’s outrageous! Keith, all the dude wants to do is write a bloody tune, man. And these guys are gettin’ all cold for it, you know, it’s all about censorship, man. Censorship – it’s outrageous, it’s outside, man.
Keith Richards: Lemme tell ya something, Mick – that’s rubbish! The police, they serve and protect. They’re the backbone of our bloody society. You gotta stand up for the cats in blue, man! If you didn’t have rules, you’d have.. freakin’ anarchy!
Mick Jagger: It’s the bloody First Amendment, mate. I mean, if you can’t write a song about killing a cop.. I mean, what’s next? Won’t be able to write about killing security guards.. or what – those bloody doormen, with their costumes and their “Nice weather we’re having..” Or.. they want a bloody tip, man! When they really didn’t do anything, you know! I can open a bloody door, you know?
Keith Richards: Mick.. you ignorant slut! All the time, you liberal claptrap.. [ mumbles unintelligibly ]
Mick Jagger: That wasn’t English, Keith! I mean, you’re talking in Esperanto, or some language twins teach each other! I mean, the King’s English, man! I mean, throw us a bone man – alright!
Keith Richards: Listen, man, you’re going sillin’ go with the goin’ bean!
Mick Jagger: What’s that?
Keith Richards: You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.
Mick Jagger: [ singing ] “You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”
Mick & Keith: [ singing together ] “You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean. You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”
Keith Richards: No, “Man.”
Mick Jagger: You don’t like the “Man”? It’s great, though. Just invert it, Keith.
Mick & Keith: [ singing together ] “Sillin’ go with the goin’ bean. Sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”
Kevin Nealon: Well, Mick, Keith.. thanks for coming. Great! Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, with Point/Counterpoint.
During her performance at the Inaugural, soul singer Aretha Franklin wore a stunning Russian sable fur coat. The coat, made from the pelts of 65 sables that were killed by anal electricution, was set to be worth $60,000. [ Kevin spray paints the image of Aretha Franklin’s fur coat ] Did I say $60,000? I mean $2. I’m sorry.
According to a report in Physicians Weekly, there’s a new movement to replace the word “impotence” with a term that doesn’t benote helplessness. So, from now on, they’ll refer to an impotent man as “erectionally-challenged.”
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.