SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 02/13/93: The Gap


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 13

92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

The Gap

Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Customer…..Mike Myers
Todd…..Alec Baldwin
Todd’s buddy…..Tim Meadows
Cindy the Manager…..Chris Farley
Tracy…..Rob Schneider

[Establishment shot : a GAP boutique] [GAP Girls are standing beside Customer, who’s wearing a huge oversized pair of pants]

Kristy : [Talking to Customer] Those… look great!

Lucy : Definitely!

Customer : Are you sure? They’re even bigger than the last pair I’ve bought and those were pretty huge….

Lucy : Did you stitched that?

Customer : …Mmm I’ve tried them it with a belt and–

Kristy : You can’t do that! You got to “finch’em”!

Lucy : Yeah! We told you to stitch’em!

Kristy : Yeah! You just paperbag’em out and stitch’em!

Customer : …Well, you know it’s just–

Lucy : Okay, you’re just gonna stitch‘em and then you’ll see…

Kristy : You’ll love’em!

Lucy : Okay? So-Bye!

[Customer leaves towards the cash register]

Lucy : [looking at customer leaving] He was so, not my type!

Kristy : Oh wait did I tell you? I finally saw “A Few Good men” last night.

Lucy : Oh really I haven’t seen that, how was that?

Kristy : Um okay, Tom Cruise, is like, a lawyer, or something, and he’s, he’s all: “I want the truth about the war!” and Jack Nicholson’s all: “Um you can’t handle the truth” and Tom Cruise was all:” But, I want it anyways”.. or whatever ‘t’was good!

Lucy : Tom Cruise is so yummy!

Kristy : I’m sorry but Jack Nicholson was hotter!

Lucy : Would you?

Kristy : Definitely!

Lucy : You’re such a whore! [laughs] You should get a job at Banana Republic with the rest of those sluts!

Kristy : Aah, would you even use one of their changing room?

Lucy : Aah yeah I’d use their changing rooms if I wanted to get body lice.. [laughs] Oh my God there! Wait there’s Todd!

Kristy : It is… How do you know Todd?

Lucy : Oh he’s kind of my boyfriend!

Kristy : Oh I don’t think so he’s kind of mine!

[Camera switches to Todd and his buddy in another corner of the GAP store]

Todd : Oh NO!

Buddy: Wassup?

Todd : I can’t believe this! I had a one-night with both those skanks last month!

Kristy: Todd can I talk to you?

Buddy: Oh no dude you’re busted! I’ll meet you over at Tedder’s junction!

Todd : Yeah… [Todd walks towards the GAP girls…embarrassed] Oh Hi um… [Todd tries to remember Lucy’s name]

Lucy: LUCY!!? You know my friend over there Kristy told me something very interesting!

Todd : Oh Kristy um yeah! I feel real sorry for her!

Lucy: What do you mean?

Todd : Well, I saw her last month at a party.. and she was pretty drunk! I gave her a ride home as a favor and she tried to kiss me!

Lucy: But did you?

Todd : No I’m seeing you! Look I just wanted to get her home safe ‘cause she was so wasted!

Lucy : Well she is kind of an alcie… Well why you haven’t called me in last three weeks?

Todd : I’ve been! I did last night it was busy for three hours!

Lucy : I’ve got call-waiting!

Todd : I know! That’s why I was so freaked out!

Lucy : Wow that is weird

Todd : I was scared, that’s why I came over!

Lucy : You didn’t come over!

Todd : Yes I did I banged on the door!

Lucy : I don’t have a door I have a gate!

Todd : I know I cut my hand on it!

Lucy : [Looking at Todd’s hand] There is no cut!

Todd : I know, it healed, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! Look if you’re not going to listen forget it!

Lucy : No Todd! I’m the whore! I’m the whore! You’re good and I’m so bad!

Todd : It’s okay baby, we’ll work it out we always do! Now go over there and help pack those costumes as I’ll straighten out your friend over here all right?

Lucy : Yeah she’s all weirded out!

[Todd walks towards Kristy]

Todd : Hey beautiful!

Kristy : Screw you Todd, I’m not talking to you!

Todd : Ah. Fine! But that girl over there who’s your friend, you’d better watch her!

Kristy : Yeah I will… why tough what do you mean?

Todd : ‘cause she thinks I look like some kinda guy she’s dating or something.

Kristy : Ah, oh be cool here comes our manager [whispers] act like a customer.

Cindy the Manager : Ah… Krissie what’s going on?

Kristy : Oh, Hi Cindy! Okay sir, um these are dark blue, these are light blue, and these are kinda medium blue!

Cindy the Manager : Ah whatever [whispers to Kristy] push the Cable Knits! [Cindy leaves]

Kristy : You are so full of it Todd!

Todd : Good! Don’t believe me! You’re obviously looking up for an excuse to break up with me! [Todd leaves, but retained by Kristy]

Kristy : No wait ! Where were you last night, you stood me up!

Todd : Stood you up? You stood me up, I was at Googies waiting for you!

Kristy : I was at Googies and I didn’t see you!

Todd : I know I couldn’t get in!

Kristy : They’re letting everyone in!

Todd : I know that’s why I got into a fight with the bouncer because I was.. bragging about how much I was in love with you!

Kristy : They don’t have a bouncer

Todd : I know that’s what I’m trying to tell ya!

Kristy : [Kristy starts crying] I’m sorry it’s just you weren’t there and I was all.. I was all.. I was all..

Todd : It’s okay—

Kristy : ..I was all..

Todd : it’s okay! It’s all about trust!

[Lucy comes back]

Lucy : Is everything okay?

Kristy : Are you okay?

Lucy : Yeah

[Tracy enter the set]

Tracy : Hey Tood!

Todd : Hum, Hey Tracy!

Tracy : Look! I only have a 45 minutes break from Donut Hut if you want to hang out! [Tracy stares at Kristy]

Todd : Hey all right I’ll be right there…. [Tracy stares at GAP girls and leaves – Todd put his arms around GAP girls’ shoulders] Hey I’ll be right back, gotta give it to her a therapy appointment she’s a very very troubled girl.

[Todd leaves]

Kristy : Help her Todd!

Lucy : Go help her!

Krsity : Ah it’s nice..

Lucy : Tracy Westcot works at Donut Hut now?

Kristy : Yeah! ah apparently she’s taking her work home with her – in her butt!

[Fade out]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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