Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 13
92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney
Todds buddy…..Tim Meadows
Cindy the Manager…..Chris Farley
[Establishment shot : a GAP boutique] [GAP Girls are standing beside Customer, whos wearing a huge oversized pair of pants]
Kristy : [Talking to Customer] Those look great!
Lucy : Definitely!
Customer : Are you sure? Theyre even bigger than the last pair Ive bought and those were pretty huge .
Lucy : Did you stitched that?
Customer : Mmm Ive tried them it with a belt and–
Kristy : You cant do that! You got to “finchem”!
Lucy : Yeah! We told you to stitchem!
Kristy : Yeah! You just paperbagem out and stitchem!
Customer : Well, you know its just–
Lucy : Okay, youre just gonna stitchem and then youll see
Kristy : Youll loveem!
Lucy : Okay? So-Bye![Customer leaves towards the cash register]
Lucy : [looking at customer leaving] He was so, not my type!
Kristy : Oh wait did I tell you? I finally saw “A Few Good men” last night.
Lucy : Oh really I havent seen that, how was that?
Kristy : Um okay, Tom Cruise, is like, a lawyer, or something, and hes, hes all: “I want the truth about the war!” and Jack Nicholsons all: “Um you cant handle the truth” and Tom Cruise was all:” But, I want it anyways”.. or whatever twas good!
Lucy : Tom Cruise is so yummy!
Kristy : Im sorry but Jack Nicholson was hotter!
Lucy : Would you?
Kristy : Definitely!
Lucy : Youre such a whore! [laughs] You should get a job at Banana Republic with the rest of those sluts!
Kristy : Aah, would you even use one of their changing room?
Lucy : Aah yeah Id use their changing rooms if I wanted to get body lice.. [laughs] Oh my God there! Wait theres Todd!
Kristy : It is How do you know Todd?
Lucy : Oh hes kind of my boyfriend!
Kristy : Oh I dont think so hes kind of mine![Camera switches to Todd and his buddy in another corner of the GAP store]
Todd : Oh NO!
Todd : I cant believe this! I had a one-night with both those skanks last month!
Kristy: Todd can I talk to you?
Buddy: Oh no dude youre busted! Ill meet you over at Tedders junction!
Todd : Yeah [Todd walks towards the GAP girls embarrassed] Oh Hi um [Todd tries to remember Lucys name]
Lucy: LUCY!!? You know my friend over there Kristy told me something very interesting!
Todd : Oh Kristy um yeah! I feel real sorry for her!
Lucy: What do you mean?
Todd : Well, I saw her last month at a party.. and she was pretty drunk! I gave her a ride home as a favor and she tried to kiss me!
Lucy: But did you?
Todd : No Im seeing you! Look I just wanted to get her home safe cause she was so wasted!
Lucy : Well she is kind of an alcie Well why you havent called me in last three weeks?
Todd : Ive been! I did last night it was busy for three hours!
Lucy : Ive got call-waiting!
Todd : I know! Thats why I was so freaked out!
Lucy : Wow that is weird
Todd : I was scared, thats why I came over!
Lucy : You didnt come over!
Todd : Yes I did I banged on the door!
Lucy : I dont have a door I have a gate!
Todd : I know I cut my hand on it!
Lucy : [Looking at Todds hand] There is no cut!
Todd : I know, it healed, thats what Im trying to tell you! Look if youre not going to listen forget it!
Lucy : No Todd! Im the whore! Im the whore! Youre good and Im so bad!
Todd : Its okay baby, well work it out we always do! Now go over there and help pack those costumes as Ill straighten out your friend over here all right?
Lucy : Yeah shes all weirded out![Todd walks towards Kristy]
Todd : Hey beautiful!
Kristy : Screw you Todd, Im not talking to you!
Todd : Ah. Fine! But that girl over there whos your friend, youd better watch her!
Kristy : Yeah I will why tough what do you mean?
Todd : cause she thinks I look like some kinda guy shes dating or something.
Kristy : Ah, oh be cool here comes our manager [whispers] act like a customer.
Cindy the Manager : Ah Krissie whats going on?
Kristy : Oh, Hi Cindy! Okay sir, um these are dark blue, these are light blue, and these are kinda medium blue!
Cindy the Manager : Ah whatever [whispers to Kristy] push the Cable Knits! [Cindy leaves]
Kristy : You are so full of it Todd!
Todd : Good! Dont believe me! Youre obviously looking up for an excuse to break up with me! [Todd leaves, but retained by Kristy]
Kristy : No wait ! Where were you last night, you stood me up!
Todd : Stood you up? You stood me up, I was at Googies waiting for you!
Kristy : I was at Googies and I didnt see you!
Todd : I know I couldnt get in!
Kristy : Theyre letting everyone in!
Todd : I know thats why I got into a fight with the bouncer because I was.. bragging about how much I was in love with you!
Kristy : They dont have a bouncer
Todd : I know thats what Im trying to tell ya!
Kristy : [Kristy starts crying] Im sorry its just you werent there and I was all.. I was all.. I was all..
Todd : Its okay
Kristy : ..I was all..
Todd : ..baby its okay! Its all about trust![Lucy comes back]
Lucy : Is everything okay?
Kristy : Are you okay?
Lucy : Yeah[Tracy enter the set]
Tracy : Hey Tood!
Todd : Hum, Hey Tracy!
Tracy : Look! I only have a 45 minutes break from Donut Hut if you want to hang out! [Tracy stares at Kristy]
Todd : Hey all right Ill be right there . [Tracy stares at GAP girls and leaves Todd put his arms around GAP girls shoulders] Hey Ill be right back, gotta give it to her a therapy appointment shes a very very troubled girl.[Todd leaves]
Kristy : Help her Todd!
Lucy : Go help her!
Krsity : Ah its nice..
Lucy : Tracy Westcot works at Donut Hut now?
Kristy : Yeah! ah apparently shes taking her work home with her in her butt![Fade out]
Submitted by: P-Y