Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 13
Alec Baldwin’s Monologue
Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! No, no, no, no! Thank you very much, it’s great to be back here in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the third time. And I want you to know that the great thing about doing the show three times, is that you really start to understand the way the show works. You begin to see that this show.. is truly the essence.. of the New York experience. Let me show you what I mean. I have to make a costume change for my next sketch – come with me! [ steps off Home Base and heads backstage, passing Wally the cue card man along the way ] Hey, Wally, how’s it going?
Cue Card Man: Fine, Mr. Baldwin. Hey, look, I printed your lines in blue, just the way you like ’em!
Alec Baldwin: [ takes a wad of bills from his pocket and distributes it to Wally ] Mmm.. beautiful.. hey, Wally, really.. you’re doing a great job, Wally! Thank you.
Cue Card Man: Thank you, Mr. Baldwin!
[ Alec passes Stage Manager Joe Dicso on his way to the hall ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey, uh, Joe, I just want to go backstage, is that all right with you?
Joe Dicso: Oh, sure thing. [ yelling at a group of crew members ] Hey, fellas! Get that outta the way for Mr. Baldwin! Right away!
Alec Baldwin: [ distributes a wad of bills to Joe ] Oh, hey, Joey.. thanks very much! Early Christmas for you and the boys, you know what I’m saying, Joe?
Joe Dicso: Ohhh, yes, sir!
[ Rob Schneider passes Alec in the hall ]
Rob Schneider: Hey, Alec, you got a minute?
Alec Baldwin: Walk with me here, Robbie.
Rob Schneider: Alright. I though about what you said, and, you know what? I think you’re right. So I had the writer make the change. And, you know what? It is better!
Alec Baldwin: Hey, that’s great! You know – Rob – it’s really, really great working with you! [ puts wad of bills in Rob’s hand ] I think you’re a very talented, man, too, and I mean that.
Rob Schneider: Hey, thanks, you know.. I do this.. it’s my job.
[ Melina Root enters to prep Alec for a costume change ]
Alec Baldwin: Thank you! There we go. I gotta get this quick costume change.. let’s see that jacket here.. Yeah! Yeah, perfect, perfect! [ takes out a large bill ] Hey, Melina, can you break a fifty? Ha ha! Just kidding! [ hands her the bill ] Pick yourself up something nice for me, Melina, okay? [ enters Control Room ] Hey, everybody! He-ey!
Control Room: Hey, Alec!!
Alec Baldwin: Hey, Davy.. I’m not gonna get to see you right after the show is over, so I wanted to thank you in advance for all those juicy close-ups – you know how much I love those close-ups, Davy.
Dave Wilson: You know.. it-it’s gonna be impossible to get all the close-ups you asked me for, Alec.. This is live television, we have limitations.
Alec Baldwin: Oh, Davy, you think you might be able to.. [ hands over a wad of bills ] ..reposition the B camera? You know what I’m saying to you, babe?
Dave Wilson: [ chuckles ] I see what you mean!
Alec Baldwin: Ah! The rest of you people – thanks for a great week! Really! [ throws wads of bills through the air ] Thank you!! Yeah!!
[ cut to Lorne Michaels in the hall, talking to Paul McCartney ]
Lorne Michaels: I just assumed George would have given you the money..
Paul McCartney: No, I-I never even heard from George..
Lorne Michaels: I mean, I can’t be responsible for that. I mean, he said that he would take care of the band.. [ notices Alec enter ] Ah! Alec, how’s it going?
Alec Baldwin: Lorne. Everything is absolutely.. perfect! [ hands Lorne a wad of bills, which is graciously accepted ] And I mean that! And, hey, Paul, what can I say? It’s an honor, really! Thanks for doing the show! [ hands Paul a wad of bills ] Pick up a couple of drinks for the band for me, okay?
[ Alec returns to Home Base, to thunderous applause ]
Thank you! Thank you! Alright, we have a great show tonight.. if you could give me a little applause here, I’ll, uh, take care of all of you after the show! [ audience applauds wildly ] Paul McCartney is here! Yeah! Don’t go away, we’ll be right back! [ throws wads of bills toward the audience ]