Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 13
Soap Opera Digest
Helen De Santo…..Julia Sweeney
Trent Derek/Dr. Johnasen…..Alec Baldwin
Taylor Middleton…..Phil Hartman
David Middleton…..Mike Myers
Helen De Santo: Good morning, and welcome to “Soap Opera Digest”.I’m your host, Helen De Santo, and with us today is actor Trent Derek, oneof the stars of “Doctors, Nurses, and Patients”, the new daytime drama seenweekdays, here on NBC. Welcome, Trent.
Derek Trent: Well, thank you very much, Helen. I’m sure you hearthis all the time, Helen, but you look ravishing!
Helen De Santo: Oh, thank you, Trent! Now, is that you saying that,or your character, Dr. Dirk Johansen.
Derek Trent: No, that’s my opinion, but I’m sure that Dr. Dirkwould agree!
Helen De Santo: Now, you’re best known for a character youused to play -racecar driver, Brace McFadden, on ABC’s “The Love Of Your Life”.
Derek Trent: Oh, yes.
Helen De Santo: Now, Trent, do you research your roles?
Derek Trent: Oh, yes, Helen. When I was playing the part of race cardriver Brace McFadden, I hung around with some auto mechanics so I couldlearn a lot about cars. I learned quite a bit, actually. For instance.. oilfilter, an air filter, the rack and pinion steering, the list literally goeson an on. I used to think that rack and pinion was one word!
Helen De Santo: [ laughs ] And your research of your role as Dr.Johansen?
Derek Trent: Oh, very, very different. Instead of talking tomechanics, I spoke with doctors.
Helen De Santo: Well, let’s take a look at you in action. This isfrom “Doctors, Nurses and Patients.”[ cut to the scene on the monitor ]
Nurse: Dr. Johansen? Taylor Middleton is here to see you. He’s notscheduled for an appointment. Should I let him in?
Dr. Johansen: Yes, Harriet, by all means.[ Taylor Middleton is shown in ]
Taylor Middleton: [ enters dramatically ] Hello, Doc. What’s theverdict?
Dr. Johansen: Taylor, I’m afraid we’ve received some very, very badnews. We got the results from your u-rine test. Remember, you toldme it had been some time since you had last evacuated your bowls.There appears to be some trouble with your colin.
Taylor Middleton: Is it –?
Dr. Johansen: Look, I’m going to be straight with you, Taylor. Webelieve it might be a poly-ip. It might be the Big C – Canker.Let’s not jump to any conclusions right now. It might be benig-n,it might be malig-nant. Let’s just hope it’s benig-n.[ zoom out of TV screen back to Helen and Derek ]
Helen De Santo: Now, I’m not sure I understand what exactly was goingon in that scene, Trent.
Derek Trent: Well, Helen, if you watch the show, you’ll find outlater that it was benig-n, and not malig-nant. It was ContractNegotiation time for Vince Taylor, who plays the part of Taylor. They werethinking of writing him out of the series.
Helen De Santo: Interesting. Let’s take a look at another scene from”Doctors, Nurses, and Patients”.
Nurse: Dr. Johansen? David Middleton, Taylor Middleton’s son, is hereto see you. He doesn’t have an appointment. Should I send him in?
Dr. Johansen: Thanks, Harriet, send him in. [ Taylor Middleton isshown in ] Hello, David. Have a seat.
David Middleton: [ sits ] Look, Doc.. if there’s something wrongwith my Dad, I want you to tell me the truth, okay? I can take it.
Dr. Johansen: Alright, Son.. there is something wrong with yourfather’s anal canale. They found a poly-ip.
David Middleton: Look, I don’t know if I want to hear this!
Dr. Johansen: Dave, Dave, Dave! Your Mom needs you to be strong now,Son! David.. this is the part of the job I hate most. There’s no class at Yallie Medical School that can prepare you for this! David, I’ll do all I can, I promise you! [ David twitches and slumps over in his chair ] Harriet! [ Nurse rushes in as Dr. Johansen looks in David’s mouth ] We’ve got a emergency! There’s something lodged in his es-o-fay-gus! It may permanently endanger his larry-en-ex!
Nurse: Yes, Doctor.[ zoom out of TV screen back to Helen and Derek ]
Helen De Santo: Well, thank you, Trent, for visiting with us today.We’d like to wish you the best in the future. By the way, what’s in storefor you?
Derek Trent: Well, Helen, actually I’ll be appearing in a motionpicture based on the story of composure Frederic Choppin’. Small part.
Helen De Santo: Good luck. [ to the camera ] And we’d like to thank you for joining us today. Bye bye!