Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 14
Onski … Chris Rock
B Fats … Chris Farley
[The “I’m Chillin'” clubhouse. Two hot dancing ladiesin Afros, shades, and red, white and blue outfitsshake their groove things as music plays and the “I’mChillin'” logo appears.]
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin’!”
Singers V/O: Hip-hop hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Hey! Ho! Hey! Hey!
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — what’s up! Welcome to “I’mChillin’!” I’m your host Onski, to the highest degree,to the T.O.P. Yo! It’s all about ME! And sittin’ by myside is my main man, the dapper rapper, thetoe-tapper, the Frank Zappa, the girl in his lap-a,the wine from the Napa, and I know a brother like youshops at the Gap-a! It’s B Fats! Yo, B! Yo, B! Tell’em how you feel!
B Fats: Yo, I’m drivin’ my car, makin’ lots o’dough/Knockin’ suckers out like Riddick Bowe!
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo! I hear that! I hear that! Nowbefore I start the sh-iz-ow – before I start thesh-iz-ow – I want to say, “What’s up?!” to a newsponsor. That’s right! That’s right! I want to say,”What’s up?!” to Bitch Come Running cologne! [holds upa bottle of the product] That’s right! You know, I puta little d-iz-ab behind my iz-ears and the next thingyou kn-iz-ow, I’m in the middle of a house sandwich!Yo, B! Yo, B! Yo, B! I heard you like Marky Mark!
B Fats: Naw, man, I don’t like Marky Mark.
Onksi: Yo, man, yo, yo, yo! Check this out! I heardyou got “Good Vibrations” on CD!
B Fats: No, man! Marky Mark ain’t nothin’ but VanillaIce in his drawers.
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — you got that right, yo man. Thatkid, Marky Mark couldn’t rap a gift, man! Yo, Bizee!Yo, Bizee! It’s about that time!
B Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?
Onksi: Naw, Bizee.
B Fats: Time for Gertrude Stein?[Onski gives B Fats a look. They stare at each other.B Fats just shrugs.]
Onksi: Naw, Bizee! It’s time for the Mother Joke ofthe Day! [makes a gesture cueing a rap beat that playsunder the following:] Yo! Today’s Mother Joke comes tous from Pam Brown — Br-iz-own — of the HorzyPr-iz-ojects, Apartment Twelve J-iz-ay, you know theone where they found that body at. And it goes alittle sumpin’ like this: “Your mother’s butt is sowide that when she backs up, it beeps!” Yo, Don Pardo,tell her what she wins!
Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a woman wearinghair extensions] You win… hair extensions! Over ayear’s supply or three miles’ worth, whichever comesfirst.
Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, tellher what else she wins!
Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a stand-upcomic at the Def Comedy Jam microphone – his face isblanked out with an arrow labeled “YOU!” pointing toit] You get to perform on the Def Comedy Jam! Impressyour relatives! Make fun of that white guy in theaudience! [rap beat out]
Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, yo, yo!Well, right now we gonna watch a world-premiere videofrom my man, Ice-T called “Fireman Killer” — right?[Onski’s pager, attached to his headgear, startsbeeping] Ah, man! Yo, yo, yo, yo! I guess we gotta dothat next w-iz-eek. You know what I’m sayin’? ‘Causeright n-iz-ow, I gotta go pick up my baby’s motherfrom her GED class. You know what I’m sayin’? She’sstudyin’ to be a doctor! But ‘member what I alwayssay.
B Fats: Always wipe!
Onksi: And stay off the p-iz-ipe. And if someone getsin your face, tell ’em “I’m Chillin’!”