SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 02/20/93: I’m Chillin’

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 14

92n: Bill Murray / Sting

I’m Chillin’

Onski … Chris Rock
B Fats … Chris Farley

[The “I’m Chillin'” clubhouse. Two hot dancing ladiesin Afros, shades, and red, white and blue outfitsshake their groove things as music plays and the “I’mChillin'” logo appears.]

Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin’!”

Singers V/O: Hip-hop hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Hey! Ho! Hey! Hey!

[B Fats dances into the room and pauses with one armraised to herald the arrival of his smaller, thinnercolleague, Onski. The two sit down on the club sofa –but not until Onski has pulled a gun from his pantsand dropped it by the door. The dancing ladies exit asthe two guys, wearing shades, denim outfits andcolorful headgear, address the camera.]

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — what’s up! Welcome to “I’mChillin’!” I’m your host Onski, to the highest degree,to the T.O.P. Yo! It’s all about ME! And sittin’ by myside is my main man, the dapper rapper, thetoe-tapper, the Frank Zappa, the girl in his lap-a,the wine from the Napa, and I know a brother like youshops at the Gap-a! It’s B Fats! Yo, B! Yo, B! Tell’em how you feel!

B Fats: Yo, I’m drivin’ my car, makin’ lots o’dough/Knockin’ suckers out like Riddick Bowe!

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo! I hear that! I hear that! Nowbefore I start the sh-iz-ow – before I start thesh-iz-ow – I want to say, “What’s up?!” to a newsponsor. That’s right! That’s right! I want to say,”What’s up?!” to Bitch Come Running cologne! [holds upa bottle of the product] That’s right! You know, I puta little d-iz-ab behind my iz-ears and the next thingyou kn-iz-ow, I’m in the middle of a house sandwich!Yo, B! Yo, B! Yo, B! I heard you like Marky Mark!

B Fats: Naw, man, I don’t like Marky Mark.

Onksi: Yo, man, yo, yo, yo! Check this out! I heardyou got “Good Vibrations” on CD!

B Fats: No, man! Marky Mark ain’t nothin’ but VanillaIce in his drawers.

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — you got that right, yo man. Thatkid, Marky Mark couldn’t rap a gift, man! Yo, Bizee!Yo, Bizee! It’s about that time!

B Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onksi: Naw, Bizee.

B Fats: Time for Gertrude Stein?

[Onski gives B Fats a look. They stare at each other.B Fats just shrugs.]

Onksi: Naw, Bizee! It’s time for the Mother Joke ofthe Day! [makes a gesture cueing a rap beat that playsunder the following:] Yo! Today’s Mother Joke comes tous from Pam Brown — Br-iz-own — of the HorzyPr-iz-ojects, Apartment Twelve J-iz-ay, you know theone where they found that body at. And it goes alittle sumpin’ like this: “Your mother’s butt is sowide that when she backs up, it beeps!” Yo, Don Pardo,tell her what she wins!

Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a woman wearinghair extensions] You win… hair extensions! Over ayear’s supply or three miles’ worth, whichever comesfirst.

Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, tellher what else she wins!

Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a stand-upcomic at the Def Comedy Jam microphone – his face isblanked out with an arrow labeled “YOU!” pointing toit] You get to perform on the Def Comedy Jam! Impressyour relatives! Make fun of that white guy in theaudience! [rap beat out]

Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, yo, yo!Well, right now we gonna watch a world-premiere videofrom my man, Ice-T called “Fireman Killer” — right?[Onski’s pager, attached to his headgear, startsbeeping] Ah, man! Yo, yo, yo, yo! I guess we gotta dothat next w-iz-eek. You know what I’m sayin’? ‘Causeright n-iz-ow, I gotta go pick up my baby’s motherfrom her GED class. You know what I’m sayin’? She’sstudyin’ to be a doctor! But ‘member what I alwayssay.

B Fats: Always wipe!

Onksi: And stay off the p-iz-ipe. And if someone getsin your face, tell ’em “I’m Chillin’!”

[Music and dancing ladies in. Onski exits, apparentlyforgetting to retrieve his gun, and everybody elsedances as the “I’m Chillin'” logo kicks in and wef-iz-ade out.]

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