Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 14
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Claude Kaufman…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Adam Sandler
Caller #2…..Julia Sweeney
Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richman. Again, filling in for Paul Baldwin, who, thank God, is on his very last cross of treatment for his shpilkes in his genecktageesoink. With me is a neighbor – I met him in the laundry room. He’s a tall drink of water. He lives in 4C, please welcome Claude Kaufman.
Claude Kaufman: Thank you, Linda.
Linda Richman: Give ’em a kick – tell ’em what you do.
Claude Kaufman: Well, I am a casting agent I cast real people for hidden camera and testimonial commercials, and I work mostly in grotesques.
Linda Richman: It’s god to focus. [ puts her hand on Claude’s knee ] May I tell the story? [ Claude nods ] Claude used to weigh seven hundred pounds.
Claude Kaufman: I got tired of weighing a metric ton, so I went on Deal-a-Meal. And, the night I reached my goal weight, Richard Simmons drove past my house, honked his horn and waved at me and pulled away.
Linda Richman: That’s a beatuful story. So, he really does do that. What a nice man. [ tries to hold back her tears ] I’m a little farklempt! Talk amongst yourselves. Here’s a topic: Did Truman drop the atomic bomb to defeat the Japanese or to scare the Russians? Discuss. [ she holds it all in ] There. I feel better. Okay, Tuesday night, right? I’m up all night, couldn’t sleep. And then, at 8:38, they announce the Oscar nominations.. and once again, Barbra Streisand was not nominated for anything.
Claude Kaufman: But, Linda, she didn’t do anything this year.
Linda Richman: Still, they should give her an Oscar just for keeping her nose. Claude, talk to me. Who’s gonna win what? Talk.
Claude Kaufman: It’s very hard to say. Oscar is a very fickle young man. Why wasn’t Jack Lemmon nominated for “Glengarry Glenn Close”?
Linda Richman: I don’t know. Did you see that movie? His performance was like butter. It’s true. He had “Hotel Bar” written all over it. It was a Land O Lakes moment. Okay, let’s go to the phones. The number is 555-4444. Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. Give us a call, we’ll talk – no big whoop.
Caller #1: Hello? Claude? I’m a grotesque seeking employment, but that’s a separate call. Were there any surprise nominations for Best Actor?
Claude Kaufman: Yes. Martin Downey, Jr. for “Chaplin”. I never cared for his talk show, I thought it was too controversial. And I feel that Oscar is a moderate, and will ignore that.
Linda Richman: True. I like Al Pacino – he’s to die for! You know, he’s yummy.
Claude Kaufman: Strong.
Linda Richman: Yes. But all his shouting gave me ADJETA, I’m sorry. “I’m in the dark here! I’m in the dark here!”
Claude Kaufman: Screaming.
Linda Richman: P.S., long story – you’re blind, we know. Okay? Give the boy a break, he’s on SCULLISHE. Okay. Welcome to “Coffee Talk”, the number is 555-4444.
Caller #2: Hello? Uh, Claude’s cute! Is he available?
Linda Richman: No!
Claude Kaufman: Yes. Well, yes, I am open to beautiful, romantic adventure, and to sharing.
Linda Richman: [ feeling coy ] Okay, let’s get to Directors.
Claude Kaufman: Oscar, I think, is dying to give it to Clint Eastwood for “The Unforgiven”. And if he wins for Best Director, you have to win for Best Picture. It’s the law in the state of California.
Linda Richman: I have a question: How could they have nominated “Prince of Tides”, and not nominate Barbra.
Claude Kaufman: Oscar is only human, born to make a few mistakes. “A Few Good Men” is nominated, but Rob Reiner has to call his mother and say that she’s not going to the Oscars.
Linda Richman: How can they do that?
Claude Kaufman: It’s cruel, but I can sum it up with one word: “Meathead”.
Linda Richman: It’s true. They did it to Laverne and her baseball movie, with that kurva Madonna.
Claude Kaufman: We love Opie – Oscar does not. Go figure.
Linda Richman: Who knew? They did the same thing to Woody Allen.
Claude Kaufman: Don’t get me started. He’s a friend of a friend.
Linda Richman: What that man has gone through, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s a SHANDA! [ near tears ] There. I’m ferklempt again. Alright, that’s all the time we have. I’m Linda Richman. Claude Kaufman, you are coming back.
Claude Kaufman: I told you, when you magically appeared with all those quarters, that there are two questions: What time? and: What do I wear?
Linda Richman: I’ll tumble for you. Okay, that’s all the time. Good night.