Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 14
[Open to a bed at nighttime. Husband is coughing as he turns on the lamp at his dresser. He sits up as his wife sits up also.]
Wife: Are you sick again?
Husband: [congested] I’m sorry, honey.
Wife: You just got over the flu.
[Husband grabs a tissue and blows his nose.]
Husband: I guess I can look forward to another month of this.
Spokesman: [offscreen] Not anymore. You don’t have to suffer through cold and flu season this year, thanks to HiberNol.
[Cut to Spokesman, who’s sitting at the foot of the couple’s bed.]
Spokesman: Other flu medicines let you sleep for 8 or 10 hours.
[The camera then pans over to reveal the bottle of HiberNol, which is much larger than a typical bottle of flu medicine.]
Spokesman: HiberNol lets you sleep through the entire flu season, usually between two and three months.
[He takes the measuring cap off the bottle and pours the medicine into it.]
Spokesman: You can’t buy stronger medication… in this country.
[SUPER: “Warning: Do not exceed recommended dosage.”]
[He hands the medicine to the husband, who then drinks it.]
Spokesman: Unlike other medicines which contain small doses of mild sedatives, HiberNol contains a powerful narcotic, and plenty of it. HiberNol lets you sleep…
[Husband finishes the drink, starts to feel drowsy, then falls asleep, as his wife kisses him goodnight.]
Spokesman: …and sleep… and sleep… and sleep.
[Husband is then seen sleeping in his bed as outlines are animated over his body.]
Spokesman: While you sleep living off stored body fat, the cold runs its course. And in fact, other colds and flus may come and go, but you won’t even know it, because you’re out cold.
[Cut to the bedroom window, transitioning from a cold snowy day to a sunny spring morning.]
Spokesman: Month after month after month, nature works its healing magic.
Kids: Daddy, daddy!
[They enter the room along with the wife. The husband sits up, and we see that his hair and fingernails are long, and he’s grown a long beard.]
Wife: Feeling better, honey.
Husband: I feel great! The cold’s all gone! Did I miss anything?
Wife: Not much.
Husband: [disappointed] Oh, I missed the Super Bowl, didn’t I?
Wife: I’ve got it right here.
[She hands him a VHS tape of the Super Bowl and chuckles.]
Husband: I love you, honey.
Spokesman: HiberNol. It knocks your cold out while you’re out cold. From the makers of ComaDose.
Submitted by: Shane Jones