Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 14
Rich Man…..Phil Hartman
Old Man…..Rob Schneider
Jingle: “He’s an expert with a whip
and he rides the Mississip.
The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster!
They call him the Whipmaster!”
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “The producers of the show would like to thank Todd Blanston for stepping in to play “The Whipmaster” during contract negotiations with our regular star. The producers would also like to point out that proficiency with a whip is very difficult to achieve and takes many years, and it is hoped that viewers will bear that in mind.”[ dissolve to interior, River Queen steamship ] [ Whipmaster enters ]
Cowboy: Say.. aren’t you the man they call the Whipmaster?
Whipmaster: That’s right. Some men use a gun.. some a knife.. others just use a big rock. I use a whip. [ steps up to the bar ]
Bartender: Well, if you’re the Whipmaster, then prove it.
Whipmaster: What’d ya have in mind?
Bartender: Knock this cigar out of my mouth! [ places cigar in his mouth ]
Whipmaster: Very well. If you insist. [ steps back, then repeatedly cracks his whip in an attempt to gain proficiency with it ]
Bartender: [ whip scars burnt on his face, as the cigar flies from his mouth ] Wow! That’s really amazing! You really are the Whipmaster! Allow me to.. buy you a drink. I’ll just get that bottle down there at the end of the bar.. [ starts to walk down there ]
Whipmaster: [ holds up his whip and stops the Bartender ] Why go all the way down there to the end of the bar? Why not make the bottle come to you? [ cracks his whip at the bottle repeatedly, finally taking his whip with both hands and wrapping it around the bottle to pull it closer ]
Rich Man: [ ambles into the bar ] Maybe you’ll let me buy you a drink.[ Music sting ]
Whipmaster: [ turns and scowls ] Youuu..
Rich Man: You see, Whipmaster, I’m a very rich man. For one thing, I own a silver mine.
Whipmaster: [ angry ] My father owns that mine.. and you know it!
Rich Man: Oh, really? Well, that’s not what the law says! Not as long as I hold this deed. [ pulls out deed and holds it up ] And I intend to keep it.[ Whipmaster repeatedly cracks his whip toward the deed, until the Rich Man lets go off it. The Cowboy jumps in to toss the deed to the Whipmaster before anyone else gets hurt by his poor aims. ]
Rich Man: You’ve made me your whipping boy for the last time, Whipmaster! [ points gun ]
Whipmaster: Not quite! [ cracks whip, aiming for gun, but hits Rich Man’s crotch instead ]
Rich Man: Owww!!
Whipmaster: [ grabs gun, as Rich Man stumbles out ] I guess he won’t be using that gun for a while!
Bartender: Boy, I’ve never seen whipping like that!
Becky: [ mad ] I thought we had a date, Whipmaster?
Whipmaster: Oh.. Becky.. darling.. sorry.
Becky: Why don’t you take that whip to the dance! [ trots off ]
Whipmaster: [ looks at the camera ] Why don’t I take both of you? [ cracks whip, knocking over fake dummy of Becky to the ground, then reaches over to pick the real Becky up ]
Becky: That whip is one smooth talker!
Whipmaster: [ wraps his whip around her ] That it is. That it is! [ kisses her, as the crowd laughs with him ]
Old Man: [ runs in holding dandelion ] Hey, everybody! Lookit here, the big ol’ dandelion I found!
Whipmaster: [ grins at the crowd, cracks his whip and hits the Old Man in the eye ]
Old Man: Oww!! Oww!![ the crowd laughs at the Old Man ]
Jingle: “The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster!
They call him the Whipmaster!”