SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/13/93: Davidian Compound


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 15

92o: John Goodman / Mary J. Blige

Davidian Compound

David Koresh…..Mike Myers
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Becky…..Melanie Hutsell
Lisa…..Reese Witherspoon

[camera pans outside Mount Carmel Center]

[open on David Koresh, who is using the telephone]

David Koresh: Sir, sir, I am talking about the Seven Seals. What’s not to understand, Mr. Koppel? If the Bible is true, I am Jesus Christ. And it is, in Revelations 10:7, that the mystery of God’s declare to His servants the Prophets, that mystery being the knowledge of the Seven Seals. Now, Mr. Koppel, hear this. If they want a conflagration, then so be it. But that not need come to pass. If my statement is read on all 500 radio stations throughout the Southwest midnight tonight, I will release my followers come out peacefully. Copies of the statement will be delivered to the press outside the compound as soon as they’re available. [hangs up phone, sighs, and enters the Copy Room where he begins to make copies]

Richmeister: Jesus! Makin’ copies!

David Koresh: Hi, Rich.

Richmeister: The Christmeister! 500 copies for the Lamb of God!

David Koresh: These have to go out to all the radio stations.

Richmeister: Important statement from the new Messiah! The man with the plan! The Nazarene! Jesus H. Christ!

David Koresh: Just makin’ copies.

[Becky enters the Copy Room]

Becky: [to Koresh] Hi, honey.

Richmeister: Becky! Wife #5 of the Son of God!

Becky: [to Koresh] Oh, uh, honey, do you need to make a lot of copies?

David Koresh: Yeah, a whole bunch.

Becky: Well, I’ll come back.

David Koresh: Okay.

Richmeister: Mrs. Jesus can’t make her copies! Christ hogging the machine!

David Koresh: Gee, you know, uh, these copies are coming out so light, you know, I need some toner.

Richmeister: More toner for the Man from Galilee.

[Lisa enters the Copy Room]

Lisa: David…

Richmeister: Lisa! Wife #12! Also her age!

Lisa: Hi, Rich.

Richmeister: Child bride of the Lamb of God! No age minimum for the King of Kings!

David Koresh: Hey Rich, you wanna hear the statement?

Richmeister: J.C. likes the sound of his voice!

David Koresh: Alright, here it is. Good evening. The living God has something that we need to know and the Seven Seals have seven angels and seven trumpets and they will know…

Richmeister: Cut to the chase! Snooze-a-rama! Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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