Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 15
David Koresh…..Mike Myers
[camera pans outside Mount Carmel Center]
[open on David Koresh, who is using the telephone]
David Koresh: Sir, sir, I am talking about the Seven Seals. Whats not to understand, Mr. Koppel? If the Bible is true, I am Jesus Christ. And it is, in Revelations 10:7, that the mystery of Gods declare to His servants the Prophets, that mystery being the knowledge of the Seven Seals. Now, Mr. Koppel, hear this. If they want a conflagration, then so be it. But that not need come to pass. If my statement is read on all 500 radio stations throughout the Southwest midnight tonight, I will release my followers come out peacefully. Copies of the statement will be delivered to the press outside the compound as soon as theyre available. [hangs up phone, sighs, and enters the Copy Room where he begins to make copies]
Richmeister: Jesus! Makin copies!
David Koresh: Hi, Rich.
Richmeister: The Christmeister! 500 copies for the Lamb of God!
David Koresh: These have to go out to all the radio stations.
Richmeister: Important statement from the new Messiah! The man with the plan! The Nazarene! Jesus H. Christ!
David Koresh: Just makin copies.
[Becky enters the Copy Room]
Becky: [to Koresh] Hi, honey.
Richmeister: Becky! Wife #5 of the Son of God!
Becky: [to Koresh] Oh, uh, honey, do you need to make a lot of copies?
David Koresh: Yeah, a whole bunch.
Becky: Well, Ill come back.
David Koresh: Okay.
Richmeister: Mrs. Jesus cant make her copies! Christ hogging the machine!
David Koresh: Gee, you know, uh, these copies are coming out so light, you know, I need some toner.
Richmeister: More toner for the Man from Galilee.
[Lisa enters the Copy Room]
Richmeister: Lisa! Wife #12! Also her age!
Lisa: Hi, Rich.
Richmeister: Child bride of the Lamb of God! No age minimum for the King of Kings!
David Koresh: Hey Rich, you wanna hear the statement?
Richmeister: J.C. likes the sound of his voice!
David Koresh: Alright, here it is. Good evening. The living God has something that we need to know and the Seven Seals have seven angels and seven trumpets and they will know
Richmeister: Cut to the chase! Snooze-a-rama! Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Johnny Lurg