Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 15
Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About Movies
Mabel Blaster…..Julia Sweeney
Jeremy Hoffman…..John Goodman
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Executive #1…..Mike Myers
Executive #2…..Kevin Nealon
Future Man…..Chris Farley
Future Woman…..Melanie Hutsell
Mabel Blaster: Good evening, and welcome to “Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About Movies”. I’m your host, Mabel Blaster. My guest tonight is producer Jeremy Hoffman.
Jeremy Hoffman: Thank you, Miss Blaster.
Mabel Blaster: Please, call me Mabel!
Jeremy Hoffman: Okay.
Mabel Blaster: Now, Jeremy, you are known as the moving force behind the classic futuristic science-fiction movie “Soylent Green”, in which people are given a mysterious food substance by the government.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes, I’m very proud of “Soylent Green”, which starred Charlton Heston. In fact, I brought a clip of the dramatic conclusion.
Mabel Blaster: Oh, great, let’s take a look at it, then! The dramatic conclusion to “Soylent Green”.[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is made of people! People![ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Boy, it just gives you a chill to realize that Soylent Green is made of people, doesn’t it?
Jeremy Hoffman: It does.
Mabel Blaster: Now, a couple of years later, you made a sequel to “Soylent Green”?
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite as successful. That one was called “Soylent White”.
Mabel Blaster: Oh. I understand we also have a clip from that film..[ clip opens on two Executives typing, with huge stacks of typing paper behind them ]
Executive #1: You know, even in our modern and futuristic world, I’m surprised at how much paperwork there is.
Executive #2: Hmm.. me, too.. But at least we have a cheap and virtually inexhaustible supply of typing paper, now that it’s made out of Soylent White.
Executive #1: Do you ever wonder what’s in Soylent White?
Executive #2: No.
Executive #1: Me, neither.
Charlton Heston: Soylent White is made out of people! It’s made out of people![ all of three of them scream in horror ] [ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Well, that gave me a chill, too, but not quite as much.
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, I’d like to point out that “Soylent White” was not pure fantasy. We did talk to a scientist who told us that if you use the right bleach and enough wood pulp, you actually could make a kind of paper out of people.
Mabel Blaster: Oh.. Well, after “Soylent White”, you made “Soylent Teal”, in which people turned into popular colors of indoor house paints.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah, we did.
Mabel Blaster: And that was followed by a sequel that lost even more money?
Jeremy Hoffman: That would be “Soylent Cow Pies”. I guess you could say that one was a flop.
Mabel Blaster: Here’s a clip.[ clip opens on a futuristic couple eating a dinner of Soylent Cow Pies ]
Future Man: What a grim world it is here in the year 2527, when the only thing the government gives us to eat is “SCP”
Future Woman: Well, at least it’s hot.
Charlton Heston: Soylent Cow Pies are people! They’re people!!
Future Woman: We though we were eating cow slop!!
Charlton Heston: Noooooo, it’s people!![ all of three of them scream in horror ] [ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: I have to be totally honest – that didn’t give me a chill at all.
Jeremy Hoffman: Uh-huh.. After that, we tried a comedy called “Soylent Stooges”. I don’t even want to discuss that one.
Mabel Blaster: Well, where next for the Soylent pictures?
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, we’ve decided to go back to what got us here in the first place, Mabel. We just finished production on “Soylent Green II”, and I think we have a clip, Mabel..[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is still made out of people! They didn’t change the recipe like they said they were going to! It’s still people!![ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Now, that gave me goosebumps!
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah!
Mabel Blaster: Yeah! Thank you for joining us tonight, please stay tuned for “The Big Fat Stinking World of Nature”. I’m Mabel Blaster.[ fade ]