SNL Transcripts: Jason Alexander: 04/10/93: Black Co-Workers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Black Co-Workers

Jeff…..Jason Alexander
Steve…..David Spade
Pam…..Melanie Hutsell
Sharon…..Julia Sweeney
Darnell…..Tim Meadows
Raymond…..Chris Rock
Denise…..Ellen Cleghorne
African Tribal Representative…..Warren Hutcherson

[ open at a restaurant; colleagues Sharon, Pam, Darnell, and Steve are chatting at a table; Jeff enters ]

Jeff: Well, Sharon, Pam, Darnell… it’s nice to meet you. Just let me hang up my coat, and I’ll come join you! [ leaves ] [ Raymond, a black man with a top hat and glasses, enters ]

Steve: Hey, Raymond! There he is! [ the whole table greets Ray ]

Sharon: How are you?

Raymond: I’m all right, lemme just get a chair.

Darnell: [ stands up ] No, take mine, I’m going to the bathroom. [ leaves; Raymond sits ] [ Jeff returns and sits down ]

Jeff: So, you guys all work with Steve, huh? Now, Pam and Sharon, I know you guys work in accounting. [ To Raymond ] Where do you work, Darnell?

Raymond: What?

Jeff: Don’t you work with these guys, Darnell?

Raymond: [ upset ] Yes, but my name’s not Darnell, it’s Raymond. I mean, what’s the matter, can’t you tell black people apart?

Jeff: [ embarrassed ] Oh… I’m sorry, man. I made a mistake. Listen, I’m buying a round of drinks, OK? Who’s drinking what?

Pam: 7-and-7?

Sharon: 7-and-7 sounds good.

Steve: I’ll take another margarita.

Raymond: And I’ll have an Amstel Light.

Jeff: OK… [ leaves ] [ Darnell comes back ]

Darnell: Hey, Raymond, that hat and glasses look sharp together. Can I try them on?

Raymond: Sure! [ stands up and gives Darnell the hat and glasses; Darnell puts them on ] Hey, hold my seat, will ya, I’ve got a phone call to make.

Darnell: OK, sure, go ahead. [ Raymond leaves; Darnell sits down ] [ Jeff comes back with a tray of drinks; he sits and distributes them ]

Jeff: OK, here we are… 7-and-7’s for the ladies, a margarita for Steve, and a Amstel Light for my main man Raymond! [ to Darnell ] Now, I hope the draft is OK, Raymond, and I’m really sorry about that mix-up.

Darnell: [ upset ] What the hell are you talking about, man?

Jeff: What?

Darnell: I’m not Raymond, I’m Darnell. What, do you think we all look alike or something?

Jeff: Well, I’m sorry, I saw the hat and the glasses…

Darnell: [ sarcastically ] Oh, well I guess there’s only one black person in the whole world with a hat and glasses, huh.

Jeff: I’m sorry.

Darnell: Well look… you’re a balding white guy with a blazer, I guess that makes you Bob Hope! Hey, look, everybody, Bob Hope’s making a surprise visit to the Pig & Whistle, let’s give him a hand, huh? Damn!

Jeff: Listen, I said I was sorry. Let me buy you a drink, what do you drink?

Darnell: Gin and tonic, alright? [ removes his hat ] But just remember, my name’s Darnell. Look at my hair… [ turns around to reveal a letter D buzzed into his hair ] See? D for Darnell.

Jeff: I got it. [ leaves ]

Darnell: Jeez, man, what’s up with that guy? He’s an idiot!

Steve: He said he’s sorry, it won’t happen again, he’s just a little stressed out…

[ Denise enters and walks over to the table, and is greeted by her colleagues ]

Denise: Oh, Darnell, I love your hair! Who did it for you?

Darnell: I did it myself! It’s really easy with one of these buzz pens. Sit down and I’ll show you!

[ Darnell gets up out of his chair and Denise sits down; Darnell uses the buzz pen to carve a D in Denise’s hair ]

Darnell: There you go. D for Denise. Check it out. [ Denise turns around ]

Sharon: That’s great!

Denise: Oh, I really wish I could see it!

Darnell: Hold on then, I’ll go get you a mirror. [ leaves ]

Denise: You know, I’m really tired… I could take a nap right here! [ moves drinks out of the way and puts her head down ] [ Jeff comes back with Darnell’s drink ]

Jeff: Hey, wake up, Darnell, it’s gin and tonic time!

Pam: Uh-oh…

Denise: [ sits up in disbelief ] Who are you calling Darnell?

Jeff: But you’ve got, in your hair… the D!

Denise: Ohhhh, that D is for Denise! You think Darnell is the only black person’s name that starts with D?

[ Darnell and Raymond come back to the table ]

Darnell: Hey, what’s he up to now?

Denise: He called me Darnell!

Raymond: What’d you do, Steve? Hire the stupidest white guy you could find?

Jeff: You guys, I’m really, really sorry. I’ve got it straight now… Denise, Raymond, and Darnell. I swear, I’ll never get your names wrong again. [ to Denise ] Now Denise, what do you want to drink? This one’s on me.

Denise: [ very upset ] I don’t want anything.

Jeff: OK, but I’m buying champagne for the whole table. Now I’m serious, don’t anyone go anywhere! [ leaves, taking his chair with him ] [ an African Tribal Representative enters, wearing traditional African clothes and carrying some envelopes ]

African Tribal Representative: Denise! Raymond! Darnell! Good news! Your change of name petitions just came through with your new African names! [ hands envelopes to Denise, Darnell, and Raymond ] Denise, your name is Kalisha, Raymond, you are now Mbaté, and Darnell, your name is Wahid.

Raymond: My African heart beats proudly today!

Denise: Mine too, Mbaté!

Darnell: Mine too. Never again will I allow anyone to address me by my former European slave name!

[ Jeff returns with glasses of champagne, and passes them out to everyone ]

Steve: [ stands up ] Whoa, whoa, Jeff…

Jeff: Here we go! OK, I’m really sorry for the confusion about the names before, but I promise it won’t happen again. So here’s to my three new friends-

Steve: Jeff, before you start…

Jeff: Come on, now, this is important… I wanna drink a toast to my three new friends and colleagues, who’s names are…

Steve: [ panicks] Uh… FIRE!!! FIRE, everybody! Get out! Run for your lives!

[ the whole restaurant clears out except for Jeff ]

Jeff: [ speaking to audience ] The little play let you just saw is about how easy it is to get angry at someone over a simple misunderstanding. This is true in real life as well. Soon, the Rodney King jury will release their verdict. And although, on the surface, I may look like one of the police officers who beat Mr. King, or like a member of one of the juries that tried them, I’m not. So please… don’t hurt me or set my house on fire. Thank you.

[ end ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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