SNL Transcripts: Jason Alexander: 04/10/93: Black Co-Workers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Black Co-Workers

Jeff…..Jason Alexander
Steve…..David Spade
Pam…..Melanie Hutsell
Sharon…..Julia Sweeney
Darnell…..Tim Meadows
Raymond…..Chris Rock
Denise…..Ellen Cleghorne
African Tribal Representative…..Warren Hutcherson

[ open at a restaurant; colleagues Sharon, Pam, Darnell, and Steve are chatting at a table; Jeff enters ]

Jeff: Well, Sharon, Pam, Darnell… it’s nice to meet you. Just let me hang up my coat, and I’ll come join you! [ leaves ] [ Raymond, a black man with a top hat and glasses, enters ]

Steve: Hey, Raymond! There he is! [ the whole table greets Ray ]

Sharon: How are you?

Raymond: I’m all right, lemme just get a chair.

Darnell: [ stands up ] No, take mine, I’m going to the bathroom. [ leaves; Raymond sits ] [ Jeff returns and sits down ]

Jeff: So, you guys all work with Steve, huh? Now, Pam and Sharon, I know you guys work in accounting. [ To Raymond ] Where do you work, Darnell?

Raymond: What?

Jeff: Don’t you work with these guys, Darnell?

Raymond: [ upset ] Yes, but my name’s not Darnell, it’s Raymond. I mean, what’s the matter, can’t you tell black people apart?

Jeff: [ embarrassed ] Oh… I’m sorry, man. I made a mistake. Listen, I’m buying a round of drinks, OK? Who’s drinking what?

Pam: 7-and-7?

Sharon: 7-and-7 sounds good.

Steve: I’ll take another margarita.

Raymond: And I’ll have an Amstel Light.

Jeff: OK… [ leaves ] [ Darnell comes back ]

Darnell: Hey, Raymond, that hat and glasses look sharp together. Can I try them on?

Raymond: Sure! [ stands up and gives Darnell the hat and glasses; Darnell puts them on ] Hey, hold my seat, will ya, I’ve got a phone call to make.

Darnell: OK, sure, go ahead. [ Raymond leaves; Darnell sits down ] [ Jeff comes back with a tray of drinks; he sits and distributes them ]

Jeff: OK, here we are… 7-and-7’s for the ladies, a margarita for Steve, and a Amstel Light for my main man Raymond! [ to Darnell ] Now, I hope the draft is OK, Raymond, and I’m really sorry about that mix-up.

Darnell: [ upset ] What the hell are you talking about, man?

Jeff: What?

Darnell: I’m not Raymond, I’m Darnell. What, do you think we all look alike or something?

Jeff: Well, I’m sorry, I saw the hat and the glasses…

Darnell: [ sarcastically ] Oh, well I guess there’s only one black person in the whole world with a hat and glasses, huh.

Jeff: I’m sorry.

Darnell: Well look… you’re a balding white guy with a blazer, I guess that makes you Bob Hope! Hey, look, everybody, Bob Hope’s making a surprise visit to the Pig & Whistle, let’s give him a hand, huh? Damn!

Jeff: Listen, I said I was sorry. Let me buy you a drink, what do you drink?

Darnell: Gin and tonic, alright? [ removes his hat ] But just remember, my name’s Darnell. Look at my hair… [ turns around to reveal a letter D buzzed into his hair ] See? D for Darnell.

Jeff: I got it. [ leaves ]

Darnell: Jeez, man, what’s up with that guy? He’s an idiot!

Steve: He said he’s sorry, it won’t happen again, he’s just a little stressed out…

[ Denise enters and walks over to the table, and is greeted by her colleagues ]

Denise: Oh, Darnell, I love your hair! Who did it for you?

Darnell: I did it myself! It’s really easy with one of these buzz pens. Sit down and I’ll show you!

[ Darnell gets up out of his chair and Denise sits down; Darnell uses the buzz pen to carve a D in Denise’s hair ]

Darnell: There you go. D for Denise. Check it out. [ Denise turns around ]

Sharon: That’s great!

Denise: Oh, I really wish I could see it!

Darnell: Hold on then, I’ll go get you a mirror. [ leaves ]

Denise: You know, I’m really tired… I could take a nap right here! [ moves drinks out of the way and puts her head down ] [ Jeff comes back with Darnell’s drink ]

Jeff: Hey, wake up, Darnell, it’s gin and tonic time!

Pam: Uh-oh…

Denise: [ sits up in disbelief ] Who are you calling Darnell?

Jeff: But you’ve got, in your hair… the D!

Denise: Ohhhh, that D is for Denise! You think Darnell is the only black person’s name that starts with D?

[ Darnell and Raymond come back to the table ]

Darnell: Hey, what’s he up to now?

Denise: He called me Darnell!

Raymond: What’d you do, Steve? Hire the stupidest white guy you could find?

Jeff: You guys, I’m really, really sorry. I’ve got it straight now… Denise, Raymond, and Darnell. I swear, I’ll never get your names wrong again. [ to Denise ] Now Denise, what do you want to drink? This one’s on me.

Denise: [ very upset ] I don’t want anything.

Jeff: OK, but I’m buying champagne for the whole table. Now I’m serious, don’t anyone go anywhere! [ leaves, taking his chair with him ] [ an African Tribal Representative enters, wearing traditional African clothes and carrying some envelopes ]

African Tribal Representative: Denise! Raymond! Darnell! Good news! Your change of name petitions just came through with your new African names! [ hands envelopes to Denise, Darnell, and Raymond ] Denise, your name is Kalisha, Raymond, you are now Mbaté, and Darnell, your name is Wahid.

Raymond: My African heart beats proudly today!

Denise: Mine too, Mbaté!

Darnell: Mine too. Never again will I allow anyone to address me by my former European slave name!

[ Jeff returns with glasses of champagne, and passes them out to everyone ]

Steve: [ stands up ] Whoa, whoa, Jeff…

Jeff: Here we go! OK, I’m really sorry for the confusion about the names before, but I promise it won’t happen again. So here’s to my three new friends-

Steve: Jeff, before you start…

Jeff: Come on, now, this is important… I wanna drink a toast to my three new friends and colleagues, who’s names are…

Steve: [ panicks] Uh… FIRE!!! FIRE, everybody! Get out! Run for your lives!

[ the whole restaurant clears out except for Jeff ]

Jeff: [ speaking to audience ] The little play let you just saw is about how easy it is to get angry at someone over a simple misunderstanding. This is true in real life as well. Soon, the Rodney King jury will release their verdict. And although, on the surface, I may look like one of the police officers who beat Mr. King, or like a member of one of the juries that tried them, I’m not. So please… don’t hurt me or set my house on fire. Thank you.

[ end ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

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