SNL Transcripts: Jason Alexander: 04/10/93: Food Union Break Room



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 17





92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Food Union Break Room

Mark…..Jason Alexander
Andy…..Rob Schneider
Female Customer…..Julia Sweeney
Boss…..Phil Hartman
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior, Food Union supermarket ] [ dissolve to interior, employee lounge – furnished with. Mark enters, with Andy in tow. ]

Mark: This is the employees’ lounge. I like to come back here when I’m on a break. They fixed this room up about a year ago – it’s much better than hanging out up front! You know, you can really cool out, relax..

Andy: [ looking around ] Wow! A microwave and everything! [ sits on luxury sofa ]

Mark: Yeah! Yeah! I’m gonna heat up this ham and cheese sandwich I got left over from lunch! You can have half, if you want to! [ puts sandwich in microwave ] Hey, you want to listen to some music? [ approaches fancy stero system ] I’ve got Talking Heads, U2, Clapton..

Andy: Oh, Clapton sounds good!

Mark: Yeah! [ turns on acoustic version of “Layla”, snaps his fingers and sits down next to ] Pretty excellent, huh?

Andy: Yeah!

[ Female Customer opens door to employee lounge and enters ]

Female Customer: Oh. Hello.

Mark: This room is for employees only, Ma’am!

Female Customer: Well, I know.. but I need help in the Deli section, and there’s no one there.

Mark: Ma’am, I’m on a break! I mean, if you just wait by the deli counter, someone will be by to help you!

Female Customer: [ persistent ] Well, I ust need some turkey breast! Can’t you just tell me how much the turkey breast is?

Mark: I think it’s $5.49 a pound.

Female Customer: $5.49. Alright. Thank you. [ exits ]

Mark: This is no good. I can’t relax with customers coming back here and bugging us!

Andy: Yeah..

[ Mark removes his sandwich from the microwave, then leads Andy to a back room. The room is basically an oversized supply closet with a square table and two folding chairs in front of a toaster oven. ]

Mark: This is much better. Customers never come back here. There’s no microwave.. but this little toaster oven’s pretty good. [ places sandwich inside toaster oven ] This isn’t as good as the tape deck.. I mean, I’d rather be listening to Clapton.. but it’s still pretty good, huh?

Andy: Yeah. Hey, it’s nice to have some privacy!

Mark: Yeah. It sure is.

[ suddenly, the Boss enters the supply room ]

Boss: Mark, Andy. I thought you might be in here. I wanted to talk to you about moving the canned goods..

Mark: We’re on a break, Mr. Colman!

Boss: [ chuckles ] I know! I know! But I’m telling you now ’cause I won’t be around later this afternoon. You might want to write this down. [ Mark takes out pen and pad ] Okay. Move the canned vegetables over to Aisle 6; put the canned fruits on aisle 5, with the juices; and stack the specialty items over on the display rack by the produce section, across from Register 3.

Mark: [ sighs ] Okay. Got it.

Boss: I hope so. [ exits ]

Mark: Look, this is no good. I can’t relax with the boss coming back here! I just can’t enjoy the break! [ removes his sandwich from the toaster oven ] Come on. [ opens a hidden door, to enter into a hole in the wall ] Even the managers don’t know about this place, so they can’t come back here and bug us!

Andy: Yeah!

[ they sit on some old crates resting on the floor ]

Mark: There’s no toaster. But this steam pipe gets pretty hot. [ plops his sandwich over the pipe ] This cheese’ll be melted pretty soon. Okay, let’s see what we can do about some music. [ grabs a homemade radio device ] It’s a handmade radio. One of the cashiers built it from a mail-order kit. It only gets one station – but it’s still pretty good, huh?

Andy: Yeah.

[ old-time swing music plays on radio ] [ door opens, as Canteen Boy pokes his head in ]

Canteen Boy: Mmm.. heh-heh. How’s it going, Mark? Hee. Just, uh, sliced a hole bunch of turkey for some, uh, lady, who said someone matching your description had quoted her a price of $5.49 a pound!

Mark: Annnd?

Canteen Boy: And.. well, if you’ll let me finish my sentence, I’ll get to it. Heh-heh-heh. This puts in kind of a spot, see, ’cause, uh, what she got is the smoked turkey, which is $6.00 a pound.

Mark: So, just tell her I made a mistake, okay?!

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one in the line of fire, heh-heh, so to speak.

Mark: Look, we’re on a break here, Canteen Boy! Okay? Can’t you just handle it?

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, I’m just saying, heh-heh-heh, take it easy, heh! Oh, yeah, while I was in here, Mr. Colman told me to remind you that, uh, you have to moved the canned goods on Aisle 8!

Mark: Yeah! Thanks!

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh-heh, yeah.. whatever! Heh-heh. [ exits ]

Mark: Sorry about that.

Andy: That’s okay, he’s gone now.

Mark: Yeah, but this place has been ruined for me, with guys like him coming back here and bugging us!

Andy: Yeah..

Mark: Come on. I didn’t think we’d have to do this, but.. I guess there’s no choice. [ stands on crate, and pulls panel away from the ceiling ] I just set this place up yesterday. [ Mark and Andy poke their heads through two holes in the ceiling, revealing a tiny insulated area with peanut shells all over the “floor” area ] It’s great! No one’s gonna bug us up here! I mean, there’s no radio or anything. But you can hear the Muzak from the store.

Andy: Yeah, that’s not too bad.

Mark: Yeah. And.. there’s no way to eat a sandwich up here, but.. there’s a few peanuts left. You can reach them with your tongue. I think there’s one right there in front of you.

Andy: That’s okay.. I’m not very hungry.. [ a mouse scatters across, and begins to nibble on Andy’s ear ] Hey.. hey, Mark..?

Mark: Yeah?

Andy: Uh.. uh.. I think there’s a mouse, chewing on my ear.

Mark: Yeah. He’ll stop. He’s just curious. Mice don’t really like human flesh. At least.. no one up here’s bothering us, though, huh?

Andy: Yeah, you’re right. This is pretty excellent.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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