SNL Transcripts: Jason Alexander: 04/10/93: Hub’s Gyros


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Hub’s Gyros

Hub…..Rob Schneider
Customer…..Jason Alexander
Friend…..Mike Myers
Helios…..Adam Sandler
Back Employees…..Chris Farley, Rob Smigel
Black Man…..Tim Meadows
Owner (on phone)…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, counter at Hub’s Gyros ]

Hub: Here you are, sir.

[ Customer walks to table where his friend is seated ]

Friend: So.. how’s your gyro? They’re pretty good here, right?

Customer: Well.. actually, I could use a little more juice. You know, drippings?

Friend: Well, you know.. just go and ask them, you know?

Customer: Nah..

Friend: Oh, come on. Go ahead.

Customer: Huh?

Friend: Yeah! Don’t worry about it.

[ Customer approaches counter ]

Hub: Yes, my friend!

Customer: Yeah.. uh, hi.. [ embarrassed to ask ]

Hub: Yes. How can I help?

Customer: Uh.. I was wondering.. Can I get, uh, a little more juice for the sandwich?

Hub: You like-a da juice, yeah?

Customer: Yeah.. I do.

Hub: The juice is good, ah?

Customer: Yeah! It’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Hub: I get you more juice!

Customer: Okay.. great.. thanks..

Hub: Helios! More juice for the gyro!

Helios: What? For who?

Hub: Right here.

[ Helios moves forward ]

Helios: You like-a da juice, huh?

Customer: Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Helios: The juice is very good, huh?

Customer: Yeah! No, it is.. it is.. it’s.. good stuff.

Helios: More juice!

Back Employees: What??

Hub: More juice for the gyro!

Back Employees: You like-a da juice, huh?? Juice is good!! So good, de juice!!

Hub: They’re getting you the juice, my friend.

Customer: Oh.. great!

Helios: Here’s your juice!

Customer: Oh, boy!

Hub: Okay. You enjoy de juice.

Customer: Oh, I will. Mmm-hmm.. I will.

[ Customer returns to table ]

Friend: Did you get what you wanted?

Customer: Yeah.. yeah.

Friend: So, uh.. where did you go on Saturday?

Customer: Uh, you know, I got up kind of late.. so I just, uh, went over and met some friends at the, uh.. [ notices the Gyro’s employees are all standing at the counter staring at the table ]

Hub: Ees good, huh? With de juice?

Customer: Yeah.. yeah. It’s much better.

Hub: How about your friend?

Friend: Huh?

Hub: You want more juice?

Friend: No, no.. that’s okay.. thanks.

Hub: You don’t like it?

Friend: No, no.. I like it, I just.. you know.. like a little juice, you know? I don’t like too much.

Hub: Ahh. You like a leetle bit of juice.

Friend: Yeah. Yeah.

Hub: You don’t like too much, huh? Leetle bit-a juice ees good!

Friend: That’s right, yes. That’s right.

Hub: You enjoy.

Friend: Okay..

Hub: [ explaining ] He just like leetle bit-a juice!

Back Employees: Ohhh.. leetle bit ees good! Leetle is very good! Not too much, ha?

Friend: So, um.. you.. you went where?

Customer: Oh.. no, it’s just that we went over to the, uh.. [ pauses ] Oh, boy.. Uh.. I’ll be right back.

Friend: Oh, okay.

[ Customer returns to the counter ]

Hub: Yes, my friend?

Customer: Yeah. Hi.

Hub: You like gyro?

Customer: Uh.. yeah, yeah. it’s good.

Hub: With de juice?

Customer: Yes.. it’s, uh.. very good.

Hub: More juice?

Customer: No, no! I-I-I.. I’d just like some ketchup, for my fires.

Hub: You like-a da ketchup, huh?

Customer: Yeah. Yeah.. I do.

Hub: It’s tomatoey, huh?

Customer: Yes.. yes, it is..

Hub: Gives flavor?

Customer: Oh, sure.. sure, it does..

Hub: Compliments potato!

Customer: Very nice.

Hub: I get you de ketchup! Helios! Ketchup for de fries!

Helios: Ah! Ketchup! On de fries, or to dip?

Customer: Uh.. to dip.

Black Man: You like to dip, huh?

Back Employees: He likes to deep! Deeping ees good!

Black Man: [ hands over bottle of ketchup ] Here. You dip.

[ Customer returns to table, as Black Man walks up ]

Black Man: Excuse me, uh..

Hub: Yes, my friend!

Black Man: Can you show me where the bathroom is?

Hub: You like to go to the bathroom, huh?

Black Man: Yeah. Yeah.

Hub: Bathroom is good?

Black Man: Uh-huh.

Hub: Relieve your bladder?

Black Man: Yeah.

Hub: You feel better?

Black Man: No.. well.. yeah, I do.

Hub: I show you where de bathroom ees.

Black Man: Yes. Could you please?

[ points across restaurant, as phone rings ]

Helios: [ answers ] Hub’s Gyros! [ shouts to Customer ] Hey! You! Sir?

[ Customer is confused, but approaches counter ]

Helios: Eet’s de owner!

[ Customer grabs phone ]

Voice of Owner: You like-a de juice, huh?

Customer: Uh.. yeah. Yeah.

Voice of Owner: Our juice ees good.

Customer: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Voice of Owner: He like de juice.

Back Employees: De juice he likes it!! Very good de juice!!

[ David Spade enters ]

Hub: Yes, my friend?

David Spade: Uh.. would you mind, um.. ending this sketch?

Hub: You like de sketch to end, huh?

David Spade: Yeah.. yeah, I would.

Hub: De sketch ees a-too long, huh?

David Spade: Yeah.

Hub: The same thing over and over, huh?

David Spade: Yeah, right.. right.

Hub: I end-a de sketch for you. Helios! End de sketch for de man!

Helios: [ moves forward ] You like-a de sketch to end, huh?

David Spade: Yeah. Yeah, I would.

Helios: Geeting very boring, huh?

David Spade: Kinda, yeah..

Back Employees: Sketch ees long! Long sketch! Audience ees getting pissed off!

David Spade: Could you guys just go to the blonde guy with the guitar.

Hub: Oh. You like-a de blonde guy with de geetar?

David Spade: Yeah, that’s G.E. Smith.

Back Employees: Blonde guy ees good! Very good! Good man! Very popular!

Customer: Stop, guys. Just stop!

David Spade: No more.

Hub: I show you blonde guy with de geetar!

[ points to outside of sketch, as camera pans over to G.E. Smith and the rest of the house band, who jam out until fade to commercial ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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