Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 17
Back Employees…..Chris Farley, Rob Smigel
Black Man…..Tim Meadows
Owner (on phone)…..Phil Hartman
[ open on interior, counter at Hub’s Gyros ]
Hub: Here you are, sir.[ Customer walks to table where his friend is seated ]
Friend: So.. how’s your gyro? They’re pretty good here, right?
Customer: Well.. actually, I could use a little more juice. You know, drippings?
Friend: Well, you know.. just go and ask them, you know?
Friend: Oh, come on. Go ahead.
Friend: Yeah! Don’t worry about it.[ Customer approaches counter ]
Hub: Yes, my friend!
Customer: Yeah.. uh, hi.. [ embarrassed to ask ]
Hub: Yes. How can I help?
Customer: Uh.. I was wondering.. Can I get, uh, a little more juice for the sandwich?
Hub: You like-a da juice, yeah?
Customer: Yeah.. I do.
Hub: The juice is good, ah?
Customer: Yeah! It’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ laughs ]
Hub: I get you more juice!
Customer: Okay.. great.. thanks..
Hub: Helios! More juice for the gyro!
Helios: What? For who?
Hub: Right here.[ Helios moves forward ]
Helios: You like-a da juice, huh?
Customer: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Helios: The juice is very good, huh?
Customer: Yeah! No, it is.. it is.. it’s.. good stuff.
Helios: More juice!
Back Employees: What??
Hub: More juice for the gyro!
Back Employees: You like-a da juice, huh?? Juice is good!! So good, de juice!!
Hub: They’re getting you the juice, my friend.
Customer: Oh.. great!
Helios: Here’s your juice!
Customer: Oh, boy!
Hub: Okay. You enjoy de juice.
Customer: Oh, I will. Mmm-hmm.. I will.[ Customer returns to table ]
Friend: Did you get what you wanted?
Customer: Yeah.. yeah.
Friend: So, uh.. where did you go on Saturday?
Customer: Uh, you know, I got up kind of late.. so I just, uh, went over and met some friends at the, uh.. [ notices the Gyro’s employees are all standing at the counter staring at the table ]
Hub: Ees good, huh? With de juice?
Customer: Yeah.. yeah. It’s much better.
Hub: How about your friend?
Hub: You want more juice?
Friend: No, no.. that’s okay.. thanks.
Hub: You don’t like it?
Friend: No, no.. I like it, I just.. you know.. like a little juice, you know? I don’t like too much.
Hub: Ahh. You like a leetle bit of juice.
Friend: Yeah. Yeah.
Hub: You don’t like too much, huh? Leetle bit-a juice ees good!
Friend: That’s right, yes. That’s right.
Hub: You enjoy.
Hub: [ explaining ] He just like leetle bit-a juice!
Back Employees: Ohhh.. leetle bit ees good! Leetle is very good! Not too much, ha?
Friend: So, um.. you.. you went where?
Customer: Oh.. no, it’s just that we went over to the, uh.. [ pauses ] Oh, boy.. Uh.. I’ll be right back.
Friend: Oh, okay.[ Customer returns to the counter ]
Hub: Yes, my friend?
Customer: Yeah. Hi.
Hub: You like gyro?
Customer: Uh.. yeah, yeah. it’s good.
Hub: With de juice?
Customer: Yes.. it’s, uh.. very good.
Hub: More juice?
Customer: No, no! I-I-I.. I’d just like some ketchup, for my fires.
Hub: You like-a da ketchup, huh?
Customer: Yeah. Yeah.. I do.
Hub: It’s tomatoey, huh?
Customer: Yes.. yes, it is..
Hub: Gives flavor?
Customer: Oh, sure.. sure, it does..
Hub: Compliments potato!
Customer: Very nice.
Hub: I get you de ketchup! Helios! Ketchup for de fries!
Helios: Ah! Ketchup! On de fries, or to dip?
Customer: Uh.. to dip.
Black Man: You like to dip, huh?
Back Employees: He likes to deep! Deeping ees good!
Black Man: [ hands over bottle of ketchup ] Here. You dip.[ Customer returns to table, as Black Man walks up ]
Black Man: Excuse me, uh..
Hub: Yes, my friend!
Black Man: Can you show me where the bathroom is?
Hub: You like to go to the bathroom, huh?
Black Man: Yeah. Yeah.
Hub: Bathroom is good?
Black Man: Uh-huh.
Hub: Relieve your bladder?
Black Man: Yeah.
Hub: You feel better?
Black Man: No.. well.. yeah, I do.
Hub: I show you where de bathroom ees.
Black Man: Yes. Could you please?[ points across restaurant, as phone rings ]
Helios: [ answers ] Hub’s Gyros! [ shouts to Customer ] Hey! You! Sir?[ Customer is confused, but approaches counter ]
Helios: Eet’s de owner![ Customer grabs phone ]
Voice of Owner: You like-a de juice, huh?
Customer: Uh.. yeah. Yeah.
Voice of Owner: Our juice ees good.
Customer: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Voice of Owner: He like de juice.
Back Employees: De juice he likes it!! Very good de juice!![ David Spade enters ]
Hub: Yes, my friend?
David Spade: Uh.. would you mind, um.. ending this sketch?
Hub: You like de sketch to end, huh?
David Spade: Yeah.. yeah, I would.
Hub: De sketch ees a-too long, huh?
David Spade: Yeah.
Hub: The same thing over and over, huh?
David Spade: Yeah, right.. right.
Hub: I end-a de sketch for you. Helios! End de sketch for de man!
Helios: [ moves forward ] You like-a de sketch to end, huh?
David Spade: Yeah. Yeah, I would.
Helios: Geeting very boring, huh?
David Spade: Kinda, yeah..
Back Employees: Sketch ees long! Long sketch! Audience ees getting pissed off!
David Spade: Could you guys just go to the blonde guy with the guitar.
Hub: Oh. You like-a de blonde guy with de geetar?
David Spade: Yeah, that’s G.E. Smith.
Back Employees: Blonde guy ees good! Very good! Good man! Very popular!
Customer: Stop, guys. Just stop!
David Spade: No more.
Hub: I show you blonde guy with de geetar![ points to outside of sketch, as camera pans over to G.E. Smith and the rest of the house band, who jam out until fade to commercial ]