SNL Transcripts: Jason Alexander: 04/10/93: Hub’s Gyros

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Hub’s Gyros

Hub…..Rob Schneider
Customer…..Jason Alexander
Friend…..Mike Myers
Helios…..Adam Sandler
Back Employees…..Chris Farley, Rob Smigel
Black Man…..Tim Meadows
Owner (on phone)…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, counter at Hub’s Gyros ]

Hub: Here you are, sir.

[ Customer walks to table where his friend is seated ]

Friend: So.. how’s your gyro? They’re pretty good here, right?

Customer: Well.. actually, I could use a little more juice. You know, drippings?

Friend: Well, you know.. just go and ask them, you know?

Customer: Nah..

Friend: Oh, come on. Go ahead.

Customer: Huh?

Friend: Yeah! Don’t worry about it.

[ Customer approaches counter ]

Hub: Yes, my friend!

Customer: Yeah.. uh, hi.. [ embarrassed to ask ]

Hub: Yes. How can I help?

Customer: Uh.. I was wondering.. Can I get, uh, a little more juice for the sandwich?

Hub: You like-a da juice, yeah?

Customer: Yeah.. I do.

Hub: The juice is good, ah?

Customer: Yeah! It’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Hub: I get you more juice!

Customer: Okay.. great.. thanks..

Hub: Helios! More juice for the gyro!

Helios: What? For who?

Hub: Right here.

[ Helios moves forward ]

Helios: You like-a da juice, huh?

Customer: Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Helios: The juice is very good, huh?

Customer: Yeah! No, it is.. it is.. it’s.. good stuff.

Helios: More juice!

Back Employees: What??

Hub: More juice for the gyro!

Back Employees: You like-a da juice, huh?? Juice is good!! So good, de juice!!

Hub: They’re getting you the juice, my friend.

Customer: Oh.. great!

Helios: Here’s your juice!

Customer: Oh, boy!

Hub: Okay. You enjoy de juice.

Customer: Oh, I will. Mmm-hmm.. I will.

[ Customer returns to table ]

Friend: Did you get what you wanted?

Customer: Yeah.. yeah.

Friend: So, uh.. where did you go on Saturday?

Customer: Uh, you know, I got up kind of late.. so I just, uh, went over and met some friends at the, uh.. [ notices the Gyro’s employees are all standing at the counter staring at the table ]

Hub: Ees good, huh? With de juice?

Customer: Yeah.. yeah. It’s much better.

Hub: How about your friend?

Friend: Huh?

Hub: You want more juice?

Friend: No, no.. that’s okay.. thanks.

Hub: You don’t like it?

Friend: No, no.. I like it, I just.. you know.. like a little juice, you know? I don’t like too much.

Hub: Ahh. You like a leetle bit of juice.

Friend: Yeah. Yeah.

Hub: You don’t like too much, huh? Leetle bit-a juice ees good!

Friend: That’s right, yes. That’s right.

Hub: You enjoy.

Friend: Okay..

Hub: [ explaining ] He just like leetle bit-a juice!

Back Employees: Ohhh.. leetle bit ees good! Leetle is very good! Not too much, ha?

Friend: So, um.. you.. you went where?

Customer: Oh.. no, it’s just that we went over to the, uh.. [ pauses ] Oh, boy.. Uh.. I’ll be right back.

Friend: Oh, okay.

[ Customer returns to the counter ]

Hub: Yes, my friend?

Customer: Yeah. Hi.

Hub: You like gyro?

Customer: Uh.. yeah, yeah. it’s good.

Hub: With de juice?

Customer: Yes.. it’s, uh.. very good.

Hub: More juice?

Customer: No, no! I-I-I.. I’d just like some ketchup, for my fires.

Hub: You like-a da ketchup, huh?

Customer: Yeah. Yeah.. I do.

Hub: It’s tomatoey, huh?

Customer: Yes.. yes, it is..

Hub: Gives flavor?

Customer: Oh, sure.. sure, it does..

Hub: Compliments potato!

Customer: Very nice.

Hub: I get you de ketchup! Helios! Ketchup for de fries!

Helios: Ah! Ketchup! On de fries, or to dip?

Customer: Uh.. to dip.

Black Man: You like to dip, huh?

Back Employees: He likes to deep! Deeping ees good!

Black Man: [ hands over bottle of ketchup ] Here. You dip.

[ Customer returns to table, as Black Man walks up ]

Black Man: Excuse me, uh..

Hub: Yes, my friend!

Black Man: Can you show me where the bathroom is?

Hub: You like to go to the bathroom, huh?

Black Man: Yeah. Yeah.

Hub: Bathroom is good?

Black Man: Uh-huh.

Hub: Relieve your bladder?

Black Man: Yeah.

Hub: You feel better?

Black Man: No.. well.. yeah, I do.

Hub: I show you where de bathroom ees.

Black Man: Yes. Could you please?

[ points across restaurant, as phone rings ]

Helios: [ answers ] Hub’s Gyros! [ shouts to Customer ] Hey! You! Sir?

[ Customer is confused, but approaches counter ]

Helios: Eet’s de owner!

[ Customer grabs phone ]

Voice of Owner: You like-a de juice, huh?

Customer: Uh.. yeah. Yeah.

Voice of Owner: Our juice ees good.

Customer: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Voice of Owner: He like de juice.

Back Employees: De juice he likes it!! Very good de juice!!

[ David Spade enters ]

Hub: Yes, my friend?

David Spade: Uh.. would you mind, um.. ending this sketch?

Hub: You like de sketch to end, huh?

David Spade: Yeah.. yeah, I would.

Hub: De sketch ees a-too long, huh?

David Spade: Yeah.

Hub: The same thing over and over, huh?

David Spade: Yeah, right.. right.

Hub: I end-a de sketch for you. Helios! End de sketch for de man!

Helios: [ moves forward ] You like-a de sketch to end, huh?

David Spade: Yeah. Yeah, I would.

Helios: Geeting very boring, huh?

David Spade: Kinda, yeah..

Back Employees: Sketch ees long! Long sketch! Audience ees getting pissed off!

David Spade: Could you guys just go to the blonde guy with the guitar.

Hub: Oh. You like-a de blonde guy with de geetar?

David Spade: Yeah, that’s G.E. Smith.

Back Employees: Blonde guy ees good! Very good! Good man! Very popular!

Customer: Stop, guys. Just stop!

David Spade: No more.

Hub: I show you blonde guy with de geetar!

[ points to outside of sketch, as camera pans over to G.E. Smith and the rest of the house band, who jam out until fade to commercial ]

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