You Put Your Weed In It


You Put Your Weed In It

Shopkeeper…..Rob Schneider
Customer #1…..David Spade
Customer #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
Cop…..Charles Barkley

[ open on interior, Out of Africa primitive art store ]

Shopkeeper: Hey, may I help you?

Customer #1: Yeah. This is kind of neat, what is it?

Shopkeeper: Oh, that’s from New Guinea. It’s a ceremonial spirit box.

Customer #1: Wow, that’s cool. What do you do with it?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in there!

Customer #1: Oh. Thank you.

Customer #2: This is neat, is this from South America?

Shopkeeper: You bet. That’s a Yanamano ancestral rattle from Brazil. It’s carved from deer bone, they only make one every seven years, it’s really rare.

Customer #2: What do they use it for?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in here!

Customer #2: O-kay..

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #3: Where’s this from?

Shopkeeper: Oh, it’s from Borneo. It’s for a Zuluesque puberty ritual. It symbolizes the journey into adulthood.

Customer #3: Really?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you can put your weed in here!

Customer #3: So, this has actually been used in puberty rituals?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you put your weed in there!

Customer #3: Thanks.

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #1: [ holding artifact ] Hey, uh, excuse me..

Shopkeeper: Oh, this is great! You put your weed in here! Awesome.

Customer #1: Actually, I’m looking for a gift for my mother. Is there anything in here that doesn’t involve weed?

Shopkeeper: [ thinks ] Well.. you can give her this. [ pulls out drum ] It’s a Senegalese talking drum. Only the Head Shayman of Senegal is allowed to use it.

Customer #1: Wow.. that’d be great, she might like something like that.

Shopkeeper: You know what I’d do if I bought it? I’d put my weed in there! Right in there. [ puts it down ] Oh, wait.. I’ve got something else.

Customer #1: Ah.

Shopkeeper: This is a Javanese rain stick. Yeah, it’s for a fertility dance. You can put it in your apartment and hang a plant from it.

Customer #1: That’d be cool, she has a lot of plants. That might be good.

Shopkeeper: You sure she doesn’t like weed?

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.

Shopkeeper: It’s too bad, because it goes right in here. This part unscrews, it’s really great!

[ Cop enters the shop ]

Cop: Hey. Is that your Volkswagon van parked out front?

Shopkeeper: Look, man, there’s nothing in here that you could put weed into!

Cop: I just wanted to tell you that you left your lights on. I turned them off for you.

Shopkeeper: Okay, maybe there’s some things in here that you put tobacco into, or incense or spices into, but definitely not weed!

Cop: What the hell are you talking about?

Shopkeeper: Okay. I guess, if this opened up, you could put weed in it, but I can’t get it open. [ Cop opens it ] It’s not like there’s weed in there!

Cop: [ holds up the weed ] What is this?

Shopkeeper: Weed.

Cop: You’re under arrest!

Shopkeeper: Alright, but don’t bother checking the store! Because there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that!

Cop: Well, you can talk about it down at the station.

Shopkeeper: Don’t bother checking the back of the store – no wee-ee-eed!

[ Cop pulls Shopkeeper outside ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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