You Put Your Weed In It
Customer #1…..David Spade
Customer #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
[ open on interior, Out of Africa primitive art store ]
Shopkeeper: Hey, may I help you?
Customer #1: Yeah. This is kind of neat, what is it?
Shopkeeper: Oh, that’s from New Guinea. It’s a ceremonial spirit box.
Customer #1: Wow, that’s cool. What do you do with it?
Shopkeeper: You put your weed in there!
Customer #1: Oh. Thank you.
Customer #2: This is neat, is this from South America?
Shopkeeper: You bet. That’s a Yanamano ancestral rattle from Brazil. It’s carved from deer bone, they only make one every seven years, it’s really rare.
Customer #2: What do they use it for?
Shopkeeper: You put your weed in here!
Customer #2: O-kay..
Shopkeeper: No problem.
Customer #3: Where’s this from?
Shopkeeper: Oh, it’s from Borneo. It’s for a Zuluesque puberty ritual. It symbolizes the journey into adulthood.
Customer #3: Really?
Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you can put your weed in here!
Customer #3: So, this has actually been used in puberty rituals?
Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you put your weed in there!
Customer #3: Thanks.
Shopkeeper: No problem.
Customer #1: [ holding artifact ] Hey, uh, excuse me..
Shopkeeper: Oh, this is great! You put your weed in here! Awesome.
Customer #1: Actually, I’m looking for a gift for my mother. Is there anything in here that doesn’t involve weed?
Shopkeeper: [ thinks ] Well.. you can give her this. [ pulls out drum ] It’s a Senegalese talking drum. Only the Head Shayman of Senegal is allowed to use it.
Customer #1: Wow.. that’d be great, she might like something like that.
Shopkeeper: You know what I’d do if I bought it? I’d put my weed in there! Right in there. [ puts it down ] Oh, wait.. I’ve got something else.
Customer #1: Ah.
Shopkeeper: This is a Javanese rain stick. Yeah, it’s for a fertility dance. You can put it in your apartment and hang a plant from it.
Customer #1: That’d be cool, she has a lot of plants. That might be good.
Shopkeeper: You sure she doesn’t like weed?
Customer #1: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.
Shopkeeper: It’s too bad, because it goes right in here. This part unscrews, it’s really great!
[ Cop enters the shop ]
Cop: Hey. Is that your Volkswagon van parked out front?
Shopkeeper: Look, man, there’s nothing in here that you could put weed into!
Cop: I just wanted to tell you that you left your lights on. I turned them off for you.
Shopkeeper: Okay, maybe there’s some things in here that you put tobacco into, or incense or spices into, but definitely not weed!
Cop: What the hell are you talking about?
Shopkeeper: Okay. I guess, if this opened up, you could put weed in it, but I can’t get it open. [ Cop opens it ] It’s not like there’s weed in there!
Cop: [ holds up the weed ] What is this?
Cop: You’re under arrest!
Shopkeeper: Alright, but don’t bother checking the store! Because there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that!
Cop: Well, you can talk about it down at the station.
Shopkeeper: Don’t bother checking the back of the store – no wee-ee-eed!
[ Cop pulls Shopkeeper outside ]
[ fade ]