You Put Your Weed In It

You Put Your Weed In It

Shopkeeper…..Rob Schneider
Customer #1…..David Spade
Customer #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
Cop…..Charles Barkley

[ open on interior, Out of Africa primitive art store ]

Shopkeeper: Hey, may I help you?

Customer #1: Yeah. This is kind of neat, what is it?

Shopkeeper: Oh, that’s from New Guinea. It’s a ceremonial spirit box.

Customer #1: Wow, that’s cool. What do you do with it?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in there!

Customer #1: Oh. Thank you.

Customer #2: This is neat, is this from South America?

Shopkeeper: You bet. That’s a Yanamano ancestral rattle from Brazil. It’s carved from deer bone, they only make one every seven years, it’s really rare.

Customer #2: What do they use it for?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in here!

Customer #2: O-kay..

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #3: Where’s this from?

Shopkeeper: Oh, it’s from Borneo. It’s for a Zuluesque puberty ritual. It symbolizes the journey into adulthood.

Customer #3: Really?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you can put your weed in here!

Customer #3: So, this has actually been used in puberty rituals?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you put your weed in there!

Customer #3: Thanks.

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #1: [ holding artifact ] Hey, uh, excuse me..

Shopkeeper: Oh, this is great! You put your weed in here! Awesome.

Customer #1: Actually, I’m looking for a gift for my mother. Is there anything in here that doesn’t involve weed?

Shopkeeper: [ thinks ] Well.. you can give her this. [ pulls out drum ] It’s a Senegalese talking drum. Only the Head Shayman of Senegal is allowed to use it.

Customer #1: Wow.. that’d be great, she might like something like that.

Shopkeeper: You know what I’d do if I bought it? I’d put my weed in there! Right in there. [ puts it down ] Oh, wait.. I’ve got something else.

Customer #1: Ah.

Shopkeeper: This is a Javanese rain stick. Yeah, it’s for a fertility dance. You can put it in your apartment and hang a plant from it.

Customer #1: That’d be cool, she has a lot of plants. That might be good.

Shopkeeper: You sure she doesn’t like weed?

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.

Shopkeeper: It’s too bad, because it goes right in here. This part unscrews, it’s really great!

[ Cop enters the shop ]

Cop: Hey. Is that your Volkswagon van parked out front?

Shopkeeper: Look, man, there’s nothing in here that you could put weed into!

Cop: I just wanted to tell you that you left your lights on. I turned them off for you.

Shopkeeper: Okay, maybe there’s some things in here that you put tobacco into, or incense or spices into, but definitely not weed!

Cop: What the hell are you talking about?

Shopkeeper: Okay. I guess, if this opened up, you could put weed in it, but I can’t get it open. [ Cop opens it ] It’s not like there’s weed in there!

Cop: [ holds up the weed ] What is this?

Shopkeeper: Weed.

Cop: You’re under arrest!

Shopkeeper: Alright, but don’t bother checking the store! Because there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that!

Cop: Well, you can talk about it down at the station.

Shopkeeper: Don’t bother checking the back of the store – no wee-ee-eed!

[ Cop pulls Shopkeeper outside ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts