Salem Bitch Trial


Salem Bitch Trial

Deputy Governor Danforth…..Phil Hartman
Court Clerk…..Rob Schneider
Samuel Wale…..Chris Farley
Abigail Wolcott…..Shannen Doherty
Goodwife Merkan…..Mike Myers
Mary Putnam…..Julia Sweeney
Nathaniel Wilson…..Kevin Nealon
Sarah Williams…..Melanie Hutsell
Blacksmith…..David Spade
Participant…..Adam Sandler

At the Salem Bitch Trials of 1692, Abigail Wolcott is accused of practicing the infernal art of Bitchcraft. The crowd at Salem cry out for her to burned at the stake for her accusations. Deputy Governor Danforth calls for silence and commences the last-recorded Bitchcraft Trial ever allowed under English law:

Deputy Governor Danforth: Who offers evidence against this lady?

Court Clerk: Samuel Wale. Stand fore! [ Samuel stands fore ]

Danforth: What say you?

Samuel Wale: Your Honor, I asked Abigail Wolcott to go to the Harvest Dance with me, Sir. Six times I asked her, and each time she rejected me. Then, I’m told she can only go out with guys from Boston who are wealthy. [ The crowd mumbles ]

Danforth: Abigail? Is this so?

Abigail: ‘Tis true. I did reject Samuel, your Honor, but not because of his station in life, nor was it because of his body lice, or his festering boils, or his warts. Rather, it is because I happen to find men from Boston more mature than Salem boys. And, due to the fact that Samuel has syphylis.

Goodwife Merkan: Oh, she’s a bitch! Burn her! [ the crowd screams for Abigail’s blood ]

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Order!! Who else speaketh against this woman?

Court Clerk: Mary Putnam. Stand fore! [ Mary stands fore ]

Mary Putnam: Your Honor, Abigail Wolcott.. belittled my frock.

Danforth: [ stern ] In what way, Mary?

Mary: She said my apron maketh my hips looks big. [ the crowd is stunned ]

Danforth: Abigail. What say you?

Abigail: Is it not true? Look! Mary’s hips are wider than the meeting house doors. Not to mention, she also has syphylis.

Goodwife Merkan: Oh, she is a stuck-up bitch!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Silence! Goodwife Merkan, I beg you, forgive me, but I must ask ye to be not so strong a voice. This woman has yet to be convicted!

Goodwife Merkan: Ohh.. but I know her ways. I have seen them with mine own eyes!

Danforth: Then, speak, Good Lady.

Goodwife Merkan: One fortnight past, I saw Abigail flying on her broom!

Danforth: And?

Goodwife Merkan: And.. uh.. I caught her in the forest summoning the Devil!

Danforth: Annnd?

Goodwife Merkan: And? And, uh.. the other day, I met her on the road with the Devil, and she didn’t even introduce me.

Samuel: The bitch did the same thing to me!!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!! Burn her!!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Enough!! Nathaniel Wilson, before we decide, read aloud all additional evidence.

Nathaniel: [ standing in back of court reading from scroll ] “In addition, Abigail Wolcott has accused Sarah Williams of having parents of poor stock.”

Sarah Williams: She did! Just because we come from Holland!

Nathaniel: “And, for her sixteenth birthday, Abigail’s parents gave her her own horsecart, and she won’t let anyone else ride in it.”

Blacksmith: ‘Tis true, your Honor. I am the Blacksmith, and trust me when I say she values the horsecart not. She crashed it three times this month.
Abigail: He exaggerates, your Honor! He just wants to go out with me!

Participant: Oh, I guess everybody loves ye! Go out with ye! Ye is great! Look at ye, whoopee-dee!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Silence. Abigail Wolcott [ she sighs ], have you anything else to say in your defense?

Abigail: Yes, your Honor. I deny partaking any acts of bitchery. ‘Tis an outrage lie. I merely speak the truth. Why is it when a man speaketh his mind, he’s admired and made judge. But when a woman displays forthrightness, she’s accused of being a bitch. I pray you, Sir: release me, and end this mindless persecution of women.

Danforth: [ thinking, sighs ] I have heard your speech, Abigail. Your eloquent plea doth not fall upon deaf ears. [ stern at first, then angry ] However, your words would sway greatly more had they not been delivered in such a bitchy manner! You shall be burned!!

Goodwife Markham: I told you!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!! Burn her!! Burn her!!

Announcer: Abigail Wolcott was one of nineteen women burned at the stake. Of those who perished, twelve were later found to be innocent of bitchery.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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