Crystal Gravy


Man #1…..Kevin Nealon
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Man #2…..Phil Hartman

[ Music Intro: “Right Now”, Van Halen ] [ open on far shot of Planet Earth, with SUPER: Let’s Be Clear ]

Announcer: Earth wasn’t created in seven days.

[ show waterfall, with SUPER: Clearly Natural Is Best ]

There are some things man will never improve on.

[ show man and woman jogging, with SUPER: SPEAK OUT ]

Don’t take what you’re given.

[ show canyon exploding, with SUPER: Clearly We Can ]

Why can’t we be cleaner?

[ show time-lapse footage of roses blooming, with SUPER: Na-tu-ral:(adj) of
or relating to nature – Natural, fading to SUPER: NATURALLY ] [ Show a table laden with food for a feast, including turkey, ham, mashed
potatoes and corn, then pull back to show table within a snow globe, with

We’re hungry for something different.

[ SUPER: DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET ] [ show clear gravy pouring, with SUPER: Why Can’t You See Anything? Let’s
Make This Crystal Clear ]

Soundtrack band: It’s now, make your decision,

[ show jar of Crystal Gravy with clear water poured over it, then show jar
dropped into clear water ]

Soundtrack band: It’s now, you can be anything,

[ Crystal Gravy is poured over meat and potatoes, with SUPER: “Clear + Gravy
= Clear Gravy – I Don’t See Any Lumps ]

Soundtrack band: It’s now, see the magic moment,
The time is here and now!

[ show pot of gravy turn clear, with SUPER: Just Like Mom Used To Make –
Clearly ]

Soundtrack band: You see everything!

[ show Man wash his face with it, with SUPER: You Can See Through It ]

Soundtrack band: Take a chance on tomorrow,

[ show Woman dip chicken leg in her Crystal Gravy and eat it, with SUPER:
Taste The Future, which changes to SUPER: Someone Just Got A Taste Of The
Future ]

Soundtrack band: Say goodbye to yesterday,

[ Show Crystal Gravy splashed out of a ladle, SUPER: Lighter, Cleaner, More
Transparent ]

Soundtrack band: Start your living for the future,

[ Crystal Gravy is poured over meat and potatoes, then Man #2 eats a piece
of meat dripping with Crystal Gravy with SUPER: Finally You Can See Your
Meat ]

Soundtrack band: Can’t you hear the wise men say
It’s now!

[ Closes with Crystal Gravy poured over crystal to for a jar of Crystal
Gravy ]

Crystal Gravy. You’ve never seen a gravy like this.

Soundtrack band: It’s now!

Also, a few changes to Active Jack:

[Opens on a PBS “Be More” intro, then fades to the hostess in her set]

Hostess: Thank you for joining us for our annual PBS Pledge Drive.

[SUPER: Call Your PBS Station And PLEDGE TODAY!]

As you know, public television has brought so many wonderful educational
shows for our children throughout the years including Active Jack. [Cut to
DVD cover of Active Jack] In 1971, [cut to Cecily] long before the push for
youth fitness, Active Jack Taylor was getting kids all over the country to
get out there and move. And who could forget the classic opening theme.

[Cut to opening theme of Active Jack, with an urban set. Jack turns to face
the camera] [funky music playing]

Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. It’s time to get off the couch and get moving.
Ha-ha. Can you move? Well, can you groove? Solid! Everyone…

Everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me
I got legs to move around
I got muscles to go up and down

[Jack walks to a set of steps, which he walks up and down repeatedly with
the song.] I go up, up, up and down, down, down
let’s go, up, up, up and down, down, down
one more time, I go up, up, up and down to the ground


[two girls join Jack Taylor]

Cindy: Hey, Jack.

Dorothy: Hey, Jack.

Jack Taylor: Hey, white girls? Hey. Are y’all ready to exercise and
harmonize and motorize?

Cindy: We sure are.

Dorothy: My doctor says exercise is good for me.

Jack Taylor: Oh, yeah. Then let’s get into it. Take it to the bridge, uh!

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro

[Jack goes to a chinning bar and does a pull-up] it can take you higher
move you way down low

Cindy: Hey, Jack. What kind of exercise are we gonna do today?

Jack Taylor: Oh, dig this. It’s called the South Philly breakdown, okay?

[Jack Taylor does the squatting exercise. Another man and woman come in
dancing to join. Everybody are copying what Jack Taylor is doing.]

Now ha, and ha, now sweat, and sweat, and sweat, and sweat, yeah.

Dorothy: Wow. That was way cool, jack.

Jack Taylor: Oh. Well, it ain’t nothing to me. So, get moving. Hah!
And be like Active Jack!

[Cut to Hostess]

Hostess: Wonderful. And now, we at PBS have a special treat. After 45 years,
the cast of Active Jack has agreed to be with us tonight for an exclusive
reunion. So, now, performing the theme song, the original cast of Active

[Cut to Old Jack Taylor turning around. He doesn’t look happy at all.] [music playing.]

Old Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. Get off the couch. [breathes heavily] Get
moving. Ha-ha. Come on. Here we go.

[he is barely moving as he goes to the steps and tries to walk up and down.]

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me
I got legs to move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
here we go, up, up, ouch! and down, down, down
I think I’ll just sit, sit, sit, stay here on the ground.

[Dorothy walks in. She is very old.]

Dorothy: Hi, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Hey, hey, Dorothy. Oh, what happened to Cindy?

Dorothy: Oh, she’s gone, Jack.

[Cut to a pedestal with a jump rope, flowers, and a picture of an older

Old Jack Taylor: Why, lord? Well, are you ready to exercise and harmonize
and motorize?

Dorothy: My doctor says if I exercise my hip will shatter like a wine glass.

Old Jack Taylor: Well, let’s do it anyway. Come on, let’s take it to the

[Old Jack goes to the chinning bar, struggling to pull up while Dorothy
barely moves the jump rope up and down.]

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

[Old Jack Taylor farts] Oh! I’m sorry about that. Let’s uh, let’s just try
that South Philly breakdown. Here we go.

[He does the exercise and Dorothy reaches for a cigarette] Hey. Hop, hop, no! Hop, hop, ah! Okay, cut it. Cut the music. I popped
something. Ooh, you know what? Kids, do what you want. Smoke, drink, I don’t
care. Coz guess what? Everybody dies.

[Cut to Hostess]

Hostess: Okay. Um, guess we’re gonna cut that a little short. But remember,
you can still get all the classic episodes of Active Jack-

[Old Jack Taylor walks in]

Old Jack Taylor: Hey, Willy! Pull my towel in that country around, and bring
around clothes. Make sure you turn the heat on.

[Close on PBS logo]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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