The Denise Show
Brian…..Adam Sandler
Caller #1…..Tim Meadows
Daryl Fitzsimmons…..Chris Farley
Brian’s Father (on phone)…..Phil Hartman
Denise’s New Boyfriend (on phone)…..Norm MacDonald
Denise…..Shannen Doherty
Denise is the girl who broke up with Brian seven weeks earlier, so now he’s hosting a cable access talk show called “The Denise Show”, which he hopes will lure her back to him:
Brian: Okay, if you’re just tuning in, we’re taking calls. Tonight’s subject is Denise.. Have you seen her? Has she said anything about me? Let’s take another call. Hello?
Caller #1: Hey, Brian, I saw Denise at Friendly’s with her parents.
Brian: The one on Central Aveneue?
Caller #1: Oh, yeah.
Brian: Really? Did she look happy?
Caller #1: Yeah. I guess so.
Brian: [ upset ] Good. Good for her, that’s great. Seriously, that’s really, really good. I can’t tell you how happy I am for her.
Caller: Okay, man, see you later. [ hangs up ]
Brian: Okay, good. She deserves to be happy. I’m glad, I really am. [ changing the subject ] Alright, now’s the time in the show when I like to give Denise a call and hang up on her. [ dials phone, it rings twice ]
Denise on phone: Hello? [ Brian hangs up sadistically ]
Brian: That was great! Now, let’s bring out my first guest. He lives down the street from me, and has known Denise since kindergarten, Daryl Fitzsimmons [ Daryl greets Brian, then sits down ]. Hey, uh, Daryl, don’t you think Denise and I made a good couple?
Daryl Fitzsimmons: [ reflecting ] Yeah.. definitely.
Brian: I know. What’s with her?
Daryl Fitzsimmons: [ continuing to reflect ] I don’t know, man.
Brian: Okay, thanks for coming by, Daryl.
Daryl Fitzsimmons: Thanks! [ leaves the set ]
Brian: Okay, uh, let’s move on to this week’s Denise Trivia Question. The question is: Last summer when Denise and I took her niece to Chuck E. Cheese, how long did Denise say we’d be together? The answer is: Forever. Hmm.. I guess in Chuck E. Cheese, Forever means Eight Months. [ changing the subject ] Okay, now’s about the time on the show where I lose it, and my dad calls up and yells at me. Here we go.. [ upset ] I can’t believe she did this to me! It’s not fair. What did I do wrong, Denise? Just tell me, and I’ll stop doing it!
Brian’s Father on phone: Hello, Brian, this is your father.
Brian: What?
Brian’s Father on phone: What the hell is wrong with you? You’re embarrassing the family!
Brian: [ crying ] I can’t help it, Dad, she..
Brian’s Father on phone: Oh, stop it!
Brian: ..was everything to me!
Brian’s Father on phone: Stop it!
Brian: She was so soft!
Brian’s Father on phone: Be a man! [ Brian starts babbling intelligibly ] I can’t understand what you’re saying, speak English! [ Brian continues to babble ] Moron!!
Brian: You don’t get it, man!
Brian’s Father on phone: [ stern ] Brian.
Brian: She’s different, just butt out!
Brian’s Father on phone: Brian!
Brian: This is my life, You don’t own me!! [ His father hangs up, angry. Brian is suddenly relieved and calm ] Okay, that was great! Tonight, we have a brand new segment for our show. Let’s call up the guy I heard Denise has been dating, and hang up on him. [ dials phone, it rings twice ]
Denise’s New Boyfriend on phone: Hello. Hello? Hello??
Brian: [ sadistically ] I’m gonna kill you.
Denise’s New Boyfriend on phone: [ angry ] Who is this??
Brian: [ hangs up quickly ] Okay! That really was fun. Now, every week on the show, I like to take out an old note Denise sent me, and sigh painfully as I read it. This one was from our three-week anniversary. [ He reads note, sighs painfully, reads, sighs painfully, reads, sighs. ] Okay. Now is the part of the show where I look at Denise’s picture, and I talk to it. [ Picks up Denise’s picture, stares at it ] Why? Why do you push me away when all I want to do is love you? Take me back, Denise, please..
Brian’s Father on phone: Hello, Brian, this is your father.
Brian: BUTT OUT!!
Brian’s Father on phone: Get a hold of yourself!
Brian: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!
Brian’s Father on phone: Be a man! You’re embarrassing us!
Brian: NOW, WHY DON’T YOU SHUT UP!!
Denise: [ runs onstage, angry with Brian ] Brian! Brian, what are you doing? What the hell is wrong with you?
Brian: [ keeping his calm ] Hello, Denise.
Denise: Why can’t you get it? It is over. You and me are over, face reality, we’re not a couple, move on with your life.
Brian: Will you go back out with me?
Denise: NO!! [ she exits ]
Brian: Then, the show must go on. Next week, my guest will be a girl who works with Denise at the movie theater, and a guy who sold her some pants at Marshall’s. See you then.
[ MUSIC FADE OUT – “Is She Really Going Out With Him?”, Joe Jackson ]
