Operaman Plays the Scratch Lottery
…..Phil Hartman
Operaman…..Adam Sandler
[ open on Phil Hartman standing before the audience, dressed in a tuxedo ]
Phil Hartman: Good evening. For too long, “Saturday Night Live” has failed to enrich the cultural and artisitic traditions of this country. Tonight, all that will change, as we present the following peroformance by.. the Opera Man! [ audience applauds wildly ] Indeed! He will be performing a work entitled “Opera Man Comes Within One Number of Winning the New Hampshire Lucky Five Scratch-Off Lottery.” As tonight’s opera begins, Opera Man has purchased a lottery ticket at New Hampshire gas station. He knows that in order to win, the same dollar amount must appear on all five squares of his ticket. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here’s.. Opera Man.
[ Opera Man emerges from behind the curtains, and proceeds to scratch his lottery ticket ]
Operaman: “Une millione!”
[ scratches ]
“Une millione, il matcho!”
[ scratches ]
“Dio mio, une millione!
Es possible Opera Man Millionaro!”
Calmo, relaxo
due more scratcho.”
[ scratches ]
“Une million!
Dio in heaveno
per favore
Un more matcho
be so greato
Opera Man promise
no more masturbato.”
[ looks away as he scratches last square, then discovers to his horror.. ]
“Ah..ah. ahhhhhhhhhhh!!
No millionario
back to jobo
security guardo
Montgomery Wardo!”
Phil Hartman: Bravo! Bravissimo! “Live-a from-a New York, it’s-a Saturday Night!”
