The Real World


The Real World

Bill……Davids Spade
Brian…..Mike Myers
Jeremy…..Tim Meadows
Tammy…..Ellen Cleghorne
Anthony…..Adam Sandler
Suzanne…..Shannen Doherty
Tookeet…..Rob Schneider
Becky…..Melanie Hutsell

Announcer: [ over matching SUPER: “Warning: The following program deals with real people in real problems in realistic situations in a, frankly, realistic manner.

The very reality of its realism may be shocking to viewers unaccustomed to this degree of reality on television, for the frank, realistic portrayal of real people with real problems in realistic situations, is really lacking.

We, the producers, realize this is a real problem, but a real show about reality and realism, presented realistically, with realness, using real people with real problems in realistic situations, can make a real contribution, as long as the people, problems and situations, are real and are presented in a realistic manner.

Real. Real real. Reality. Realness. Real. Real real.

Viewer discretion is advised.


[ fade into opening credits, as each housemate is introduced ]

Bill: Hey, I’m Bill. I’m from Oklahoma, and there’s nothing I hate worse.. than Irish people.

Brian: My name is Brian Kelly, and I’m from Dublin, Ireland. And I hate the English and black people!

Jeremy: Hello. I’m Jeremy, and I’m from London. There’s nothing I hate more than regular American black women.

Tammy: My name is Tammy, and I’m from Detroit. And.. I hate Italians!

Anthony: Anthony. Brooklyn. I hate poor white trash.

Suzanne: I’m Suzanne. I’m poor white trash from Oklahoma.. and I hate Eskimos.

Tookeet: Tookeet.. [ speaking Inuit ] ..lesbians.

Becky: [ obviously a lesbian, no explanation needed on her part ] I’m Becky.

[ camera jerks around the housemates for the final introduction ]

Bill: What happens..

Brian: ..when seven different people..

Anthony: ..come together in the same house..

Suzanne: ..and they stop being friendly..

Tammy: ..and they start being real.

All: The Real World!!

[ fade into a scene in the kitchen, as everyone stands around ]

Suzanne V/O: It was Thursday – housecleaning day. No one was looking forward to it, and tempers were flaring.

Bill: [ enters scene ] Hey, Tammy.. where’s the broom?

Tammy: [ outraged ] What?! Like, I know where the broom is just because I’m black?!

Bill: Hey, are you calling me a racist, just because I’m from Oklahoma?!

Brian: [ in thick Irish accent ] Come on, you two! We can’t have any of this! I’m from Dublin! We gotta remember – we’re just seven people tryin’ to live in this hise!

Anthony: Shut up, you stupid mick!

Suzanne: Now, look – just because Brian is Irish, doesn’t mean he’s a drunk! Isn’t that right, Tookeet?

Tookeet: Hock.. emmet bach.. Nazi.. lesbians!

Becky: Oh, what is that supposed to mean, Tookeet? That, because I’m a lesbian, I should clean the whole house?!

Bill: Hey, I am not a racist!

Suzanne: Look, y’all – everybody’s always talking about cleaning up the planet.. but I’m just poor white trash from Oklahoma. And I think maybe we should start right here in the house.

Anthony: Shut up, you racist!

Bill: Hey, no, wait.. she’s right. Okay, everybody, let’s clean up the house!

[ everyone murmurs their agreement: “Yeah.. alright..” ]

Brian: [ as everyone gets started on the housecleaning ] Hey! She speaks the truth! I’m from Dublin!

Suzanne: Hey, Tammy? Could you empty the trash?

Tammy: [ outraged ] Are you calling me a piece of trash?!

[ cut to Confessional ]

Tammy: I was so upset! This was 1993 – I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! “Empty the trash.” Think about it! What if, instead of “trash”, you substituted “white people”? How would that sound, huh? “Empty the white people”. Would anyone say that?

[ cut to a second kitchen scene ]

Suzanne V/O: Wednesday night. Anthony and Tookeet decided to make dinner for everyone. Tempers were still high.

Anthony: Hey, Tookeet – can you hand me the salt?

Tookeet: Enet.. mick.. brach une.. hock.

Anthony: Shut up, you whale-eating MORON!!

Brian: [ interrupting ] Hey, guys! I’m from Dublin! I think you should stop fighting! We’re all waiting for dinner!

Becky: [ outraged ] Dinner?! Dinner?! That’s just like you! You wouldn’t even be talking about dinner if I weren’t a lesbian!

[ Suzanne and Bill sit on a nearby couch ]

Suzanne: Hey, Bill – we Oklahomans could sure give these folks a lesson in how to get along.

Bill: What do you mean “We“?! I’m from Oklahoma City, and you’re poor white trash from Tulsa!

Suzanne: [ weeping ] Don’t you see?! If people from Oklahoma can’t get along, what hope do we have?! [ flees the room in tears ]

Jeremy: I guess I’m just a black man from London.. I’m not even here! You’re all a bunch of racists! [ flees the room in tears ]

Bill: Wha..? Hey, if one person calls me a racist.. I’m going back to Oklahoma!! [ flees the room ]

Brian: Listen to me – I’m from Dublin! Don’t any of ya care about that?! [ flees the room in tears ] [ cut to another Confessional ]

Brian: Well, actually.. I’m not from Dublin – just outside of Dublin. A place called ?? But when people would ask me where that was, I had to explain it’s just outside of Dublin. And I got tired of saying “I’m.. from just outside of Dublin.” So I started telling me I’m from Dublin. So, nowadays, when people ask me where I’m from, I say I’m from Dublin.

[ cut to another Confessional ]

Tookeet: [ sniffs ] Innarock.. onna.. neeka.. neeka.. [ sniffs ] [ cut to the housemates on the couch watching television ]

Suzanne V/O: By Thursday, things seemed to be going better at the house.

Tammy: Woww.. this is a great movie you picked, Tookeet! Don’t you agree, Brian?

Brian: I love Orca.

Anthony: Shut up! This movie sucks!

[ dissolve out ]

Announcer: Next time, on “The Real World”.

[ open dissolve to the phone ringing, as Brian sits silent in the foreground ]

Suzanne: [ enters kitchen and answers the phone ] Hello. [ to Brian ] Hey, the phone for you.

Brian: Don’t talk to me like that!

Suzanne: Shut up, you racist! [ drops the phone and stomps out of the kitchen ]

Brian: [ picks up the phone ] Hello? I’m from Dublin!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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