Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Rob Schneider
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadow

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon

First-Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton introduced herself to Congress this week as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a woman. Hillary is currently being treated for a Multiple Personality Disorder, which, incidentally, is not covered by the new Health Plan.

The First Lady dazzled Congressional committees in selling the plan, thus rewriting the old saying, “Behind every great woman is a chubby guy in goofy running shorts.”

A CNN-USA Today poll says Americans believe Hillary is smarter than Bill by a vote of 40% to 22%. The President took it in stride, saying, “No big deal, it’s only an 8% difference.”

General Colin Powell officially retired from the Army Thursday. At the ceremony, the President explained to the General exactly what would be inappropriate behavior for gays in the military.

Figures from the latest polls have just come in – 29%, 48%, and 11%.

Anti-violence advocates contend that violence on TV is directly linked to the rise of violence in society, and officials are doing nothing about it. They even pointed out that some cartoons such as the Road Runner are violent, resulting in a proposed bill calling for a mandatory 5-day waiting period before the purchase of an anvil, or any ACME product, including TNT detanators and strap-on rockets.

In lieu of the latest string of murders in Florida, Hertz has unveiled its new line of rentals near the airport.
[ show tanks ]

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took her seat on the Supreme Court today, the first time two women sat on the nation’s highest court. She said the first day turned out ot be a little uncomfortable, since they both showed up wearing the same outfit.

The Food and Drug Administration says that glow-in-the-dark condoms may not be safe for their intended use, so, until further notice, no reading in bed, please.

Kevin Nealon: And now, on the lighter side, it’s time for Rob Scheinder’s Wacky Sports Bloopers. Rob?

Rob Schneider: Thank you, Kevin. We’ve got a load of hilarious miscues and foul-ups this week, so let’s go right to the videotape!

[ clip from baseball game ]

Watch as the San Franscisco Giants’ Will Clark tries to hit the ball. Oops! You can’t hit if you don’t swing, Will!

[ clip from football game ]

Now, football. Look at what happens when the Kansas City Chiefs give the ball to running back, Marcus Allen. Whoa! Put a tent on that circus!

And in Cincinnatti, watch where this field goal attempt goes. Ooof! That one landed somewhere in Hawaii!

[ clip from basketball game ]

Now, in basketball. Check out the Phoenix Sun’s Kevin Johnson on this play – whoops! The balls’s supposed to go in the basket, Kevin!

[ clip from tennis game ]

Finally, for the Sports Blooper of the Week, let’s go to pro-tennis tour. Stephan Edward tries to serve, and – wow! Watch carefully – later in the same match.. whoa-oa-oa! Almost the exact same thing! Better check that racquet, Stephan!

Kevin Nealon: [ laughing ] Rob, where did you find all these bloopers?

Rob Schneider: Hours and hours of research, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: I’ll bet! Well, it was definitely worth the wait! Rob Schneider, ladies and gentlemen.

Tammy Faye Bakker was married this afternoon in Palm Springs, California, to Ro Messner, as old family friend. Speaking for “Weekend Update”, I’d like to apologize to Tammy Faye for all those jokes we did about her in the past, and also to extend our deepest sympathy to her new husband.

In a related story, the wedding was good news at the federal prison in Jessup, Georgia, where his fellow inmates are happy that Jim Bakker is now completely unattached.

Well, sexy covers sell. The hands-on-topless trend gained momentum this spring, with sexy covers of Sharon Stone clutching herself, Kate Moss, Madeline Stowe, and Janet Jackson. Keeping up with the trend next week, will be U.S. News & World Report with its Norman Schwartzkoff cover.

Kevin Nealon: Joining us this week to help sort out the new Clinton Health Care Plan, is Weekend Update correspondent, Ike Turner. Welcome, Ike.

Ike Turner: Alright, thank you, thank you, Kevin Nealon. Well, President Clinton brought out his newest plan, baby, because there are 225 million people in this country without Health Care, you dig?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, excuse me, Ike. I believe that figure is 25 million people without Health Care.

Ike Turner: I don’t need that from you, Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon: Oh.. sorry, Ike. I was just trying to help you out.. sorry.

Ike Turner: Oh, you trying to help Ike, huh? You trying to help Ike? Ike don’t need your help! If I can get a band, I got songs in my head, I could get my music going, baby!

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Ike, uh.. you were talking about the Clinton Health Care Package, I believe..

Ike Turner: Oh, okay, Kevin Nealon, is that how it is, huh? Fine! You want to talk about Health Care, baby? You want to take about Health Care with Ike?! Alright, then, look at this, huh, look at this.. [ pulls out cake ] Alrigh,t this cake is the U.S. budget, you dig? [ pulls hunks of cake loose as he talks ] Alright, you got your taxes, and you got your defensive spending.. [ eats from the cake ] Mmm.. this is some great cake. Have soem cake, Kevin Nealon, you want some cake?

Kevin Nealon: I’m not hungry, thanks..

Ike Turner: Come on, baby, it’s good!

Kevin Nealon: No, I’m not hungry. Thanks, anyway..

Ike Turner: Now, don’t you do this to me! Don’t you do that to Ike!

Kevin Nealon: I don’t want the cake! I’m not hungry Ike. Please!

Ike Turner: Alright! You don’t want the cake, here’s the stupid cake! [ throws the entire cake at Kevin ]

Kevin Nealon: Ike! Stop it, that hurts! Come on!

Ike Turner: Oh, baby.. I’m sorry, baby.. I just get crazy sometimes!

Kevin Nealon: I know you do!

Ike Turner: I’ll make it up to you, I promise, baby, I promise..!

Kevin Nealon: Just don’t even touch me! Ike.. Turner.. ladies and gentlemen. Just get away, just get away!

Wednesday’s Country Music Awards Ceremony was marred when it was learned that not one of the nominees was not really drunk, jilted, or unemployed.

In Geneva this week, pop star Michael Jackson took off time from his World Tour after he pulled a groin muscle. No word yet on whose groin muscle it was.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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