Canteen Boy


Canteen Boy

Mr. Peter McGrath…..Jeff Goldblum
Mr. MacEntire…..Phil Hartman
Stan…..Kevin Nealon
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
Mr. Henry…..Tim Meadows
Derek….Chris Farley
Mom…..Rob Schneider

[ open on neighbors having an unfruitful garage sale ]

Stan: Not such a great turn-out, huh, Peter?

Mr. McGrath: Oh.. all these garage sales usually don’t heat up until after noon. You know.

Stan: Yeah! You making any money yet?

Mr. McGrath: Ha! Four dollars. Uh.. I sold a coffee can full of bolts, plus a broken rake!

[ the neighbors laugh at the idea of those lackluster items selling ] [ cut to Canteen Boy at a table, pulling the string on a Speak-N-Say ]

Stan: Hey – look who just walked in. It’s Canteen Boy.

Mr. MacEntire: Oh. This guy is so sad.

Mr. McGrath: I know. He’s the king.. he’s the king. This is gonna be great! Watch this! [ walks over to Canteen Boy ] Hey, uh.. Canteen Boy? Can I help you with something?

Canteen Boy: Eh.. not right now, Mr. ?? – just getting myself situated.

Mr. McGrath: Oh. Well, you know, I wouldn’t want to rush you, Canteen Boy. ‘Cause you’re one crazy.. wild man!

Canteen Boy: [ nonchalantly, not getting it ] Uh-huh. Whatever. Hee-hee.

Mr. McGrath: No, no.. really. The way you captured that snake, at the block party? Mmm.. boy, I tell ya’ – I admire a guy like you who.. lives life on the edge!

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm.. Yeah, well, you know.. you only live life once. Sometimes you gotta go for it, you know? Heh heh!

Mr. McGrath: Well, and.. you do, Canteen Boy. You go for it.. you go for it! I’ll tell you that. Tell me, Canteen Boy, uh.. what was the.. the craziest this you did all last week?

Canteen Boy: Hmm.. uh.. well, uh.. eh.. eh.. last Wednesday, uh.. you know the city’s redoing the sidewalks over on River Road?

Mr. McGrath: Yeah.

Canteen Boy: Well, uh.. I leaned over the guardrails, and I wrote in the wet cement: “Cheryl Tiggs has big boobs!” [ chuckles ]

Mr. McGrath: [ pretending to be impressed ] Wo-ow! Wo-ow! Canteen Boy, you’re just a regular psychopath!

[ the neighbors laugh at Canteen Boy ]

Canteen Boy: [ confused ] Yeah, uh.. I guess I missed the joke.

Mr. McGrath: Mmm-hmm.

Canteen Boy: I’m gonna go, uh.. see what’s going on in this section. [ walks over to Mr. Henry ] How you doing there, Mr. Henry? Plannig on doing a little outdoor activity?

Mr. Henry: Oh, hi, Canteen Boy. Uh.. well, actually, I thought I’d just find a good comforter, you know.. for the guests when they stay over.

Canteen Boy: Ohh.. yeah. Well, what you got there is goose down.. which is fine if you’re a traditionalist. Uh.. but I-I-I read in Boys Life magazine that, uh.. fiber-fill will keep you both drier and warmer!

Mr. Henry: Hmm-hmm. Well, Canteen Boy, I don’t need anything special, it’s just for arou-

Canteen Boy: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, whatever floats your boat, Mr. Henry! [ chuckles ] I’m just saying!

Mr. Henry: Hey, wow! Look at this! A lava lamp, huh? That takes you back to the 70’s.

Canteen Boy: Yeah. Hey, Mr. Henry, you should know – that’s not real lava.

Mr. Henry: Really?

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.. if it was real, room temperature, it would be a solid.

Mr. Henry: Mmm. Thanks, Canteen Boy. [ steps away ]

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm. [ admires the lava lamp ] It’s a beauty, though. I’ll tell ya. [ waks back to Mr. McGrath ] Before I put any money down on this-

Mr. McGrath: Yeah?

Canteen Boy: -I’ve gotta make sure it’s gonna work.

Mr. McGrath: Uh-huh. Well, i-I’ll tell you what, Canteen Boy – uh.. you buy it, take it home, plug it in.. if it doesn’t work.. tough crap! [ laughs ]

Canteen Boy: Uh, not exactly the warranty I was looking for.

Mr. McGrath: No.. I guess not.

Mr. MacEntire: Hey, uh.. Canteen Boy. Shouldn’t you ask your mother before you buy something for the house?

Canteen Boy: Thanks for asking, Mr. MacEntire. Uh.. actually, I’ve been given, uh.. carte blanche to furnish my room as I see fit.

Stan: Wow! [ laughs ]

Canteen Boy: I’ve got a.. beer can collection.. rock and roll posters.. uh.. a $20 fish tank.. This lava lamp could actually be a nice little treat for the fish.

[ the neighbors laugh at Canteen Boy ]

Canteen Boy: [ perplexed ] Yeah, uh.. I wish somebody would pass me the laughing gas. Anyways, uh.. Mr. McGrath, how much is this gonna set me back?

Mr. McGrath: [ thinking ] Uh.. um.. for you, Canteen Boy – $8,000.

Canteen Boy: Heh heh.. what is this, a lava lamp made out of gold?! [ laughs ] $8,000? Give me a break here!

Mr. McGrath: Mmm.. wow, Canteen Boy.. you’re a real tough negotiator. I’ll tell you what – I’ll give it to you for.. $16,000!

Canteen Boy: [ snidely ] Heh heh heh. Yeah, whatever. Ha. This guy forgot he’s having a garage sale, thinks he’s running a Ferarri dealership!

Mr. Henry: Hey, Pete – how much for the whistle?

Mr. McGrath: Oh.. fifty cents.. I don’t care..

Canteen Boy: Mr. Henry, give me fifty cents – I’ll whistle for ya’! [ presses his hands together and whistles like an owl ]

Mr. MacEntire: [ mocking ] Hey, Stan! Did you hear that? Is there some kind of crazy owl out here, or something..?

Canteen Boy: [ laughs ] Mr. MacEntire, that was just me! I forgot how lifelike that is!

Mr. McGrath: Wow.. wow. Canteen Boy, that’s two impressions you can do. You’re good at doing an owl.. and.. you’re good at ding a dork!

[ the neighbors laugh ]

Canteen Boy: [ whispering ] Eh, well you’re a dork.

Mr. McGrath: [ taking offense ] What was that?

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

Mr. McGrath: Listen.. Canteen Boy.. uh, if you want this lava lamp, and you can’t come up with the cash.. how about a trade?

Canteen Boy: Oh, uh.. well, that sounds great. Uh.. I got some Spider-man magazines at home, oard games – you know: Stratego, Battleship – I’ll bring ’em by, we can talk turkey.

Mr. McGrath: Uh.. no, Canteen Boy. I’ve already seen what I want.. and, uh.. it’s hanging around your neck.

Canteen Boy: [ reaizes Mr. McGrath is referring to his prized canteen ] Oh.. uh.. seriously, that is.. [ sweating ] You don’t understand.. this is not for sale..!

Mr. McGrath: No, no. You don’t understand, Canteen Boy. I want that canteen.

Canteen Boy: [ close-up as he screams ] Heh heh.. i gotta go.. I-I’ll catch you later..!

Mr. McGrath: [ laughing ] Yeah! Oh-oh-oh.. hey, Derek! Back from the gym, just in time. Look who’s here! It’s Canteen Boy! You guys used to be real tight!

[ Derek ambles on into the scene, really throwing his weight around in front of Canteen Boy ]

Derek: Hey, Canteen Boy – dies this bring back any memories? [ pulls a turbo-wedgie on Canteen Boy’s underwear ] WEDGIEEE!!! WEDGIEEE!!

[ the neighbors laugh, as Canteen Boy makes a run for it ] [ dissolve to interior, Canteen Boy’s room, decorated as descried earlier, with rock posters and a fish bowl ] [ Canteen Boy’s Mom pushes her way into the room ]

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Are you alright, Allen? Is there anything I can do for you?

Canteen Boy: Everything’s under control, Mom. I’ll deal with this in my own fashion.

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Okay.. bye bye.

Canteen Boy: Uh, mom? Don’t forget to tape “Seaquest”.

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Alright. [ exits Canteen Boy’s bedroom ] [ Canteen Boy presses his hands together again, catching the attention of snakes from around the world ] [ cut back to the garage sale, as hundreds of snakes fall form the trees and tangle the neighbors ]

Neighbors: Aaagggghhhhh!!!!! Help me!!!

[ dissolve to close-up of Canteen Boy’s face ]

Canteen Boy: He who laughs last.. laughs loudest! Hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeeee!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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