Dance Club


Dance Club

Joe…..Jeff Goldblum
Jaimie…..Julia Sweeney
Club Owner…..Kevin Nealon
Bandleader…..Mike Myers
Screaming Fat Guy…..Chris Farley

[ open on interior, swanky dance club, people on the dance floor and crowded at the bar. Joe and Jaimie sit at a table near the dance floor. ]

Jaimie: Don’t you love this place?

Joe: Oh, yeahhh.. yeah.. it’s great.

Jaimie: I come here all the time!

Joe: Oh, yeah?

[ Club Owner steps up to the table ]

Club Owner: Hey, Jaimie – can I get you and your friend a drink?

Jaimie: Oh, nothing for me – Joe, would you like anything?

Joe: No, no.. I’m fine.

[ Club Owner walks away ]

Jaimie: Oh, I love this place. He’s a great guy.

Joe: Oh, yeah?

Jaimie: Hey, do you want to dance?

Joe: [ hesitant ] Oh, no no no no.. no, thanks..

Jaimie: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!

Joe: No, no.. I can’t dance, and, uh.. you know, there’s too many people here and-

Jaimie: So what? Nobody’s paying attention to you!

Joe: No, really.. I d-don’t like to dance..

Jaimie: Come on, no one’s looking at you! come on, let loose!

Joe: No no no no no! You go! Dance with other guys, I don’t care..!

Jaimie: No, no! Come on, Chicken!

Joe: No, no, stop it.. don’t cal me that..

Jaimie: No, once you start, you’ll love it! Come on! Come on!

Joe: Okay..

[ Joe allows himself to be dragged onto the dance floor by Jaimie, and proceeds to dance by swinging his outstretched arms back and forth in the air ]

Jaimie: That’s great! You’re doing great!

Joe: Really? Really? [ now enthusiastic about dancing ] Okay!

Jaimie: That’s great! Get into it!

[ others dancers begin to laugh at Joe ]

Joe: Are those people laughing at me? They’re making fun of me! Look at this, they’re making fun of me!

Jaimie: Don’t be paranoid! No one’s making fun of you!

[ the other dancers begin to mimic Joe’s dancing style ]

Joe: Well.. I’m sitting down.. I-I don’t want to do this..

Jaimie: No! What’s wrong?

Joe: This is what I’m talking about.. this is what I don’t like..’

Jaimie: Joe, you’re being paranoid!

Joe: Well..

Jaimie: You’re dancing! Don’t be so self-concious! Come on!

Joe: You think I’m being paranoid.

Jaimie: Well.. yes.

Joe: It’s just that I hardly ever dance.. I know.. [ laughs ] [ band stops playing ]

Jaimie: Hey, the band stopped playing.

Joe: What’s going on?

[ Bandleader steps up to Joe and Jaimie ]

Bandleader: Hi. Excuse me, sir. Is.. is there anything the band can do to help?

Joe: [ confused ] Are you talking to me?

Bandleader: Yeah. Are we throwing you off, or something?

Joe: Nooo.. there’s nothing.. no..

Bandleader: Ohhh.. okay, I understand now. It must be the.. other sixty people here that are off-rhythm. Okay, I’ve got it.. okay, great! Sorry. Sorry to bother you. [ walks away ]

Joe: Am I really that off..?

Jaimie: No, no..! He’s kidding! He’s kidding!

Joe: You’re sure..?

Jaimie: Yeah! Just forget it!

Joe: Okay..

Jaimie: Come on, now get into it!

Joe: Okay!

[ Joe begins doing his awkward dance, as a Screaming Fat Guy runs into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everyody! Come on, let’s do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: Oh, that’s it, I’m not dancing any more.. that’s it!

Jaimie: Wait a second! Wait a second! What’s wro-ong??

Joe: Everybody’s making fun of me now! I-I-I-I..

Jaimie: Oh, so the whole world revolves around you??

Joe: No, the dance is an imitation of me!

Jaimie: No, it isn’t!

Joe: Well, they’re doing it, and they’re calling it.. “The Idiot”. you know? I’m done! I’m not dancing.

Jaimie: Haven’t you heard of the Twist, or The Hustle? This one’s called The Idiot! They’re not all about you!

Joe: Well, then.. how do you explains these masks they’re wearing?

[ Joe points to a couple of guys dancing like him, while wearing wearing black-and-white portraits of his face over their heads ]

Jaimie: Well.. maybe that means they.. like you. It’s a tribute!

Joe: [ dumbfounded ] A tribute?

Jaimie: It’s a tribute, yes!

Joe: Oh.. okay! [ laughs ] [ Club Owner holds a camera in front of Jeff as he dances awkwardly ]

Club Owner: Okay, smile for me right here.. come on! [ Joe smiles, the camera clicks ] There we go!

Joe: What’s that picture for?

Jaimie: I don’t know, I..

Club Owner: It’s just a little advertising for the club!

[ a couple of employees drag a huge poster into the room, it reads “Come Watch This Idiot Dance!”, with a square empty space where Joe’s picture is placed ]

Joe: Ohhh, yeah.. Hey, you know, Jaimie, ths is great. I never really danced before and gave it all I have!

Jaimie: Oh, well I’m glad you like it!

Joe: Yeah, I just feel freeeeeee and loose, and I’m having a wonderful time! [ laughs ] [ suddenly, Aerosmith enters the club, as one of their songs can be heard in the background ]

Steven Tyler: Excuse me? Sir?

Joe: What?

Steven Tyler: Uh.. we’re Aerosmith.

Joe: [ suddenly recognizes them ] Wha..? Oh! Yeah, yeah! Hey, I love you guys! Wow! Wow!

Steven Tyler: Hey, you know, the house bad here, uh.. they’re playing one of our songs.

Joe: Yeah, yeah.. oh, I love this! It’s a great song!

Steven Tyler: Yeahhh.

Joe Perry: Hey, man.. uh..?

Joe: What?

Joe Perry: Could you, like, uh.. not dance to that, please?We’re serious!Just don’t do it!

Joe: What..? I love the music, I love this music..

Joe Perry: Just take a seat. Sometimes it’s better to watch and learn.

Steven Tyler: Sit this one out.

Joe: [ confused ] Really?

Steven Tyler: Yeah.

[ Aerosmith walks away, as Joe takes his seat ]

Joe: I can’t believe that.. I-I..

Jaimie: I’m sorry.

Joe: You’re sorry..?

[ Screaming Fat Guy runs back into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everybody! Let’s do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: I didn’t want to dance..

Jaimie: I’m sorry..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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