Dance Club
Joe…..Jeff Goldblum
Jaimie…..Julia Sweeney
Club Owner…..Kevin Nealon
Bandleader…..Mike Myers
Screaming Fat Guy…..Chris Farley
[ open on interior, swanky dance club, people on the dance floor and crowded at the bar. Joe and Jaimie sit at a table near the dance floor. ]
Jaimie: Don’t you love this place?
Joe: Oh, yeahhh.. yeah.. it’s great.
Jaimie: I come here all the time!
Joe: Oh, yeah?
[ Club Owner steps up to the table ]Club Owner: Hey, Jaimie – can I get you and your friend a drink?
Jaimie: Oh, nothing for me – Joe, would you like anything?
Joe: No, no.. I’m fine.
[ Club Owner walks away ]Jaimie: Oh, I love this place. He’s a great guy.
Joe: Oh, yeah?
Jaimie: Hey, do you want to dance?
Joe: [ hesitant ] Oh, no no no no.. no, thanks..
Jaimie: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!
Joe: No, no.. I can’t dance, and, uh.. you know, there’s too many people here and-
Jaimie: So what? Nobody’s paying attention to you!
Joe: No, really.. I d-don’t like to dance..
Jaimie: Come on, no one’s looking at you! come on, let loose!
Joe: No no no no no! You go! Dance with other guys, I don’t care..!
Jaimie: No, no! Come on, Chicken!
Joe: No, no, stop it.. don’t cal me that..
Jaimie: No, once you start, you’ll love it! Come on! Come on!
Joe: Okay..
[ Joe allows himself to be dragged onto the dance floor by Jaimie, and proceeds to dance by swinging his outstretched arms back and forth in the air ]Jaimie: That’s great! You’re doing great!
Joe: Really? Really? [ now enthusiastic about dancing ] Okay!
Jaimie: That’s great! Get into it!
[ others dancers begin to laugh at Joe ]Joe: Are those people laughing at me? They’re making fun of me! Look at this, they’re making fun of me!
Jaimie: Don’t be paranoid! No one’s making fun of you!
[ the other dancers begin to mimic Joe’s dancing style ]Joe: Well.. I’m sitting down.. I-I don’t want to do this..
Jaimie: No! What’s wrong?
Joe: This is what I’m talking about.. this is what I don’t like..’
Jaimie: Joe, you’re being paranoid!
Joe: Well..
Jaimie: You’re dancing! Don’t be so self-concious! Come on!
Joe: You think I’m being paranoid.
Jaimie: Well.. yes.
Joe: It’s just that I hardly ever dance.. I know.. [ laughs ] [ band stops playing ]
Jaimie: Hey, the band stopped playing.
Joe: What’s going on?
[ Bandleader steps up to Joe and Jaimie ]Bandleader: Hi. Excuse me, sir. Is.. is there anything the band can do to help?
Joe: [ confused ] Are you talking to me?
Bandleader: Yeah. Are we throwing you off, or something?
Joe: Nooo.. there’s nothing.. no..
Bandleader: Ohhh.. okay, I understand now. It must be the.. other sixty people here that are off-rhythm. Okay, I’ve got it.. okay, great! Sorry. Sorry to bother you. [ walks away ]
Joe: Am I really that off..?
Jaimie: No, no..! He’s kidding! He’s kidding!
Joe: You’re sure..?
Jaimie: Yeah! Just forget it!
Joe: Okay..
Jaimie: Come on, now get into it!
Joe: Okay!
[ Joe begins doing his awkward dance, as a Screaming Fat Guy runs into the foreground ]Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everyody! Come on, let’s do The IDIOT!!
[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]Joe: Oh, that’s it, I’m not dancing any more.. that’s it!
Jaimie: Wait a second! Wait a second! What’s wro-ong??
Joe: Everybody’s making fun of me now! I-I-I-I..
Jaimie: Oh, so the whole world revolves around you??
Joe: No, the dance is an imitation of me!
Jaimie: No, it isn’t!
Joe: Well, they’re doing it, and they’re calling it.. “The Idiot”. you know? I’m done! I’m not dancing.
Jaimie: Haven’t you heard of the Twist, or The Hustle? This one’s called The Idiot! They’re not all about you!
Joe: Well, then.. how do you explains these masks they’re wearing?
[ Joe points to a couple of guys dancing like him, while wearing wearing black-and-white portraits of his face over their heads ]Jaimie: Well.. maybe that means they.. like you. It’s a tribute!
Joe: [ dumbfounded ] A tribute?
Jaimie: It’s a tribute, yes!
Joe: Oh.. okay! [ laughs ] [ Club Owner holds a camera in front of Jeff as he dances awkwardly ]
Club Owner: Okay, smile for me right here.. come on! [ Joe smiles, the camera clicks ] There we go!
Joe: What’s that picture for?
Jaimie: I don’t know, I..
Club Owner: It’s just a little advertising for the club!
[ a couple of employees drag a huge poster into the room, it reads “Come Watch This Idiot Dance!”, with a square empty space where Joe’s picture is placed ]Joe: Ohhh, yeah.. Hey, you know, Jaimie, ths is great. I never really danced before and gave it all I have!
Jaimie: Oh, well I’m glad you like it!
Joe: Yeah, I just feel freeeeeee and loose, and I’m having a wonderful time! [ laughs ] [ suddenly, Aerosmith enters the club, as one of their songs can be heard in the background ]
Steven Tyler: Excuse me? Sir?
Joe: What?
Steven Tyler: Uh.. we’re Aerosmith.
Joe: [ suddenly recognizes them ] Wha..? Oh! Yeah, yeah! Hey, I love you guys! Wow! Wow!
Steven Tyler: Hey, you know, the house bad here, uh.. they’re playing one of our songs.
Joe: Yeah, yeah.. oh, I love this! It’s a great song!
Steven Tyler: Yeahhh.
Joe Perry: Hey, man.. uh..?
Joe: What?
Joe Perry: Could you, like, uh.. not dance to that, please?We’re serious!Just don’t do it!
Joe: What..? I love the music, I love this music..
Joe Perry: Just take a seat. Sometimes it’s better to watch and learn.
Steven Tyler: Sit this one out.
Joe: [ confused ] Really?
Steven Tyler: Yeah.
[ Aerosmith walks away, as Joe takes his seat ]Joe: I can’t believe that.. I-I..
Jaimie: I’m sorry.
Joe: You’re sorry..?
[ Screaming Fat Guy runs back into the foreground ]Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everybody! Let’s do The IDIOT!!
[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]Joe: I didn’t want to dance..
Jaimie: I’m sorry..
[ fade ]