Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue


Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue

…..Jeff Goldblum
Male Audience Member #1…..
Female Audience Member #1…..Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member #2…..Dave Attell
Male Audience Member #3…..Jim Downey
Female Audience Member #2…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Male Audience Member #4…..Norm MacDonald
Male Audience Member #5…..Tom Davis
…..Laura Dern

Jeff Goldblum: Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you very much! [ laughs ] It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” – really. I had a great summer.. of course, I was in that movie “Jurassic Park”. [ audience applauds ] I don’t know.. thank you! and.. I guess a lot of you have seen it.. because, as of last week, “Jurassic Park” surpassed, uh.. “E.T.” to become the highest-grossing movie of all time. [ audience applauds ] So, I guess the guy who made “E.T.” must be kind of bummed right now! Yeah.. I heard E.T. phoned home, and he didn’t get an answer because everyone was out watching “Jurassic Park”! [ laughs, notices Male Audience Member #1 standing ] Uhh.. sir? Yes, yes.. you have a question?

Male Audience Member #1: I thought you were great in “Jurassic Park”.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, thank you.

Male Audience Member #1: Was it scary working with all those dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. well.. no, not really.. you know, I’d act afraid.. but they weren’t real dinosaurs, they were just a combination of, uh, you know.. computer animation and animatronic puppets. [ acknowledges Female Audience Member #1 standing ] Yes?

Female Audience Member #1: Yeah, uh.. what did you feed the dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles in disbelief ] Well.. well, the dinosaurs didn’t eat anything, because, as I’ve just explained, they’re not real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #2 ] Yes. Yes, you have a question?

Male Audience Member #2: The Tyrannosaurus Rex is really incredible – that was real! Right?

Jeff Goldblum: [ trying not to laugh ] Is this a joke?! No, no, no! The Tyrannosaurus Rex, like all dinosaurs, has been extinct for 65 million years. None of the dinosaurs in the movie were.. real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #3 ] Yes..?

Male Audience Member #3: Um.. I’m thinking of taking a vacation in Jurassic Park, uh.. what’s the best time of year to go?

Jeff Goldblum: Well, there’s no such place as Jurassic Park.. I’m an actor, that was all pretend and.. y-you know? Don’t you get it? [ laughs, acknowledges Female Audience Member #2 ] Yes? Uh. Miss?

Female Audience Member #2: Were any dinosuars hurt in the making of this movie?

Jeff Goldblum: Maybe I’m not making myself clear.. Listen – once and for all – none the dinosaurs were real, they were all special effects. They don’t exist! Okay? [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #4 ] Yes?

Male Audience Member #4: Yeah, I, uh.. read that some of the dinosaurs in that movie were, uh.. were fake! That, uh.. that true?

Jeff Goldblum: Yes! Fake They were fake!

Male Audience Member #5: I-I liked “The Fly”.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, uh.. thank you very much. [ audience applauds ] Do you have a question.. do you have a question about the movie “The Fly”?

Male Audience Member #5: Um.. yes, I do. Um.. were the dinosaurs in “The Fly” real?

Jeff Goldblum: [ laughs ] There weren’t any dinosaurs in the mvoie “The Fly” – and, even if we wanted to put dinosaurs in the movie, we couldn’t have, because they are extinct, they don’t exist.. do you udnerstand?

Male Audience Member #5: [ confused ] Well, w-what movie am I thinking of, where there were real dinosaurs..?

Jeff Goldblum: I-I don’t know.. “Jurassic Park”, probably..?

Male Audience Member #5: Yes! Yes, that’s it! Now, those dinosaurs were really scary!

Jeff Goldblum: [ gives in to the compliment ] Thank you very much! Okay.. last question.. is there one more question..?

[ Laura Dern stands up in the audience, to wild applause ]

Laura Dern: Yeah, I have a question. So.. do oyu rmeember, uh, when we were in the jeep and the T-Rex attacked us? God! Weren’t you scared it was gonna eat us?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles glibly, who is he to argue with Laura Dern? ] Yes, I was. Very scared. Thanks. Okay, we’ve got a great show for you, Aerosmith is here! Um.. dinosaurs don’t exist, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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