Subway Guitarist


Subway Guitarist

Young Man…..David Spade
Guitarist…..Rob Schneider
Yuppie…..Jeff Goldblum
Harmonica Player…..Adam Sandler

[ open on interior, subway ] [ fade to guitarist playing by the track, as a Young Man tosses some loose change into his open guitar case ]

Guitarist: [ somewhat offended ] Hey, what are you doing?

Young Man: I just put some money in there. I’m a little bit of a musician myself.

Guitarist: Hey, I don’t need your handout, man! I’m not a begger! I’m just playing here!

Young Man: Sorry..

Guitarist: Well, take your money back!

Young Man: Alright.. easy.. [ takes money back, walks away ] [ guitarist continues playing, as a Yuppie walks by and tosses some loose change into the open guitar case ]

Guitarist: [ again offended ] Hey, what are you throwing money in there for?

Yuppie: [ confused ] Well, you’re a street musician, right?

Guitarist: Yeah? So?

Yuppie: So, I’m giving you mnoey.

Guitarist: I’m an artist! I’m not doing this for money!

Yuppie: Then, why do you have change in there?

Guitarist: ‘Cause that’s where I keep my change! In my guitar case! There’s no law against it!

Yuppie: Okay. [ takes his change back, begins to read his newspaper while waiting for his subway car ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Please give me money
I’m very hungry.
Please give me money
So I can eat.
I don’t have another job
This is what I do for a living.
Please give me money
So I won’t starve.”

Yuppie: Here, go ahead and take it, you need it more than me. [ drops the loose change into the guitar case ]

Guitarist: What the hell did I just say?!

Yuppie: Well.. you said that you’re an artist, and you’re not doing it for money.

Guitarist: That’s right!

Yuppie: Yes.. but then you started singing, and you said you needed the money or you’ll starve. So.. please.

Guitarist: [ outraged ] That’s just a song, man! If I sing “Please Mr. Postman”, that doesn’t make you go out and deliver the mail!

Yuppie: Alright.. I guess not..

Guitarist: That’s right!

Yuppie: Oh, I understand.. it’s just a song!

Guitarist: Yeah. So, take your money.

Yuppie: Alright. [ takes money back ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“It wasn’t just a song
I rally need the money.
I was just to embarrassed
To let you give it to me.Please come back
And put the money in my case.
I’m not really an artist
I’m just a begger.”

Yuppie: [ throws the change back into the guitar case ]

Guitarist: What are you doing? I saw that!

Yuppie: Hey, you don’t have to be embarrassed, I understand everything now.

Guitarist: Understand what?! I told you not to throw money in there!

Yuppie: It’s okay. I heard your song. If you want, consider it a loan.

Guitarist: It’s just a song, man! I’m doing my next record about poor people! I’m just down here for acoustics!

Yuppie: Really? Are you sure? Because, you know, I thought your song was specifically telling me to give you money.

Guitarist: The song’s not about you! What are you, an egomaniac?

Yuppie: Fine. [ takes money back ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Hey, you, mister
The one with the brown courderoy blazer.
And the black scarf
wrapped around your neck
I’m sorry I called you an egomaniac
I didn’t really mean it.
Please don’t listen to me
When I’m yelling at you
The stuff in the song
Is what’s really important
I’m still very hungry
Whatever you can spare would be very welcome.”

Yuppie: Here.. Listen.. my train is coming. I’ll just stand it right next to your case, you can keep it if you want, if you don’t want it, fine.

Guitarist: Hey, I don’t want your money, you arrogant yuppie creep! [ throws the loose change into the subway ]

Harmonica Player: Hey, buddy? You mind if I play here?

Guitarist: Oh, sure, man! I’d love a little harmonica accompaniment.

[ singing ]

“Please go away
I’d rather play alone.
I was here first
You’re horning in on my action..”

Harmonica Player: Hey.. you want me to leave, I’ll leave.

Guitarist: Hey, no, this is great! That last chord you played was perfect, man! It was great!

[ singing ]

“I warned you once to leave
Now, I’ll have to kill you.When you’re not looking
I’ll push you into the next train.
They’ll never find your body..”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x