Karl’s Video Store

Karl’s Video Store

Karl…..David Spade
Man…..Rob Schneider
…..Jeff Goldblum
Mother…..Ellen Cleghorne
Fat Man…..Chris Farley
…..Steven Tyler

[ open on interior, Karl’s Video Store ]

Karl: Looking for a comedy?

Man: Um.. yeah.. maybe.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Meatballs 3”. Right above your left hand over there. No Bill Murray, but a great cast – good character development, lot of laughs, can’t go wrong – “Meatballs 3”.

Man: Ah, well, thanks, anyway.. but I don’t think that’s something I’d like.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. It’s your decision. Take a looksie. [ walks over to Jeff Goldblum in the store ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey..

Karl: Looking for a drama?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. I guess so.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Traces of Red”. Just got it in. Great cast – Lorraine Bracco, Jim Belushi.. good plot line.. good running time – 94 minutes, not too long, not too short – good film.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, I’m not sure about that one, but thanks very much.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. You’re the one watching it, not me, right? [ lauhs ] It’s your 94 minutes, right?

Jeff Goldblum: Right. Hey.. do you have, um.. “The Verdict”? I hear it’s very good.

Karl: Mmm.. “The Verdict”.. [ thinking ] who’s in that?

Jeff Goldblum: Paul Newman.

Karl: Yes. It’s right above your right hand, “The Verdict”, there you go. I don’t know if you’re gonna like it – it’s too preduicatable, you realzie halfway through he’s gonna win the case, no surprises.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, now I know how it ends.. so I guess I don’t have to rent it..

Karl: Alright, alright! I’m sorry. My fault! It’s your night. You’re the boss.

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah. Uh.. listen.. do you have, um.. do you have an adult section?

Karl: Sure! Pornos? Back corner! If you need any help, my name is Karl with a K. Give a yell.

Jeff Goldblum: [ comes forward to check out ]

Karl: [ notices Jeff staring at the celebrity photos onthe wall ] Okay.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. you see that? Lot of stars come in here, lot of stars all the time, in and out. I got all their credit card numbers – I don’t do anything with them. Okay.. “Children of a Lesser God”.. alright.. “Ladyhawke”.. Okay.. “On Golden Blonde”. [ suddenly recognizes Jeff ] Are.. you Jeff Goldblum? You’re Jeff Goldblum!

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.

Karl: Oh, my God! This is a great! No way! You, sir, are great! I am a fan. This is so neat for me, oh my gosh!

Jeff Goldblum: [ worried about his porno rental ] Could you just throw that in the bag..?

Karl: You know, do you have a glossy or smething, that I could put on my wall?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. fine.. but could you just go ahead and ring those right up..?

Karl: Oh, wow.. You know, Bob Saget comes in here a lot – big porn freak. Yeah. He likes the girl-girl stuff. Nice guy. I got his home phone number – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ enters, drops videotapes on the counter ] Hey, listen, um.. you recommended these, and these are horrible! You’re not gonna charge me for them, are.. [ notices Jeff Goldblum, gets excited ] Oh! You’re Jeff Goldblum?! I cxan’t believe you’re here!

Karl: I can, I can.. Lot of stars come in here all the time. Shirley Hemphill was in here two days ago – rented “Car Wash”, loved it. Nice lady. I’ve got her address – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ looks through Jeff’s rentals ] So, what have you got here? Ooh, “Ladyhawke”, this is really good..

Karl: Oh, yeah, that’s not all..

Mother: [ holds up the porno, distraught ] Ohhhh.. this is disgusting!

Daughter: [ pointing ] Mom, is he a pervert?

Mother: Yes, he is. [ exits ]

Karl: Hey, listen, ignore her – she rented “Troop Beverly Hills” for three weeks. [ spins finger around his head ] Don’t listen to anything she says.

Jeff Goldblum: Well..

Karl: You were in.. “Into The Night”.


Karl: My 14th favorite movie.. 1985.. good set design, good costumes, good running time.. I am a fan. [ bows ]

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. thank you very much.

Karl: Tell me something?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah?

Karl: Between you, me, and the wall – did you and Michelle Pfeiffer, uh.. have a little off-screen.. [ whistles and winks ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey! I think that’s a personal question.

Karl: Alright, alright! None of my business. That’s your call. Hey, can I interest you in a rewind machine while you’re here? On sale, $19.95, Gabe Kaplan got two. Nice guy, rents “Faces of Death”, kind of weird.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, really? No, well.. you know.. when the tape finishes, I can just push the rewind button on my VCR..

Karl: Alright, alright! That’s your call. It’s your night. You’re the boss. George Carlin doesn’t rewind, but, God love him, he’s a busy man, I don’t charge him.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh.. well, that’s so nice of you.

Karl: Okay, well..

Fat Man: [ enters ] Excuse me..?

Karl: Yeah, uh, back corner.

Jeff Goldblum: Thanks! [ retreats to back corner ]

Karl: If you could just bring that glossy in here, a lot of stars come in here, I like to show off.

Jeff Goldblum: Will do.

Karl: Okay. Nice to meet you.

Jeff Goldblum: Nice to meet you. Thank you. [ heads for door ]

Steven Tyler: [ enters ] Excuse me? You work here?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. back corner.

[ Steven retreats to the back corner, as Jeff exits the store ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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