Karl’s Video Store


Karl’s Video Store

Karl…..David Spade
Man…..Rob Schneider
…..Jeff Goldblum
Mother…..Ellen Cleghorne
Fat Man…..Chris Farley
…..Steven Tyler


[ open on interior, Karl’s Video Store ]

Karl: Looking for a comedy?

Man: Um.. yeah.. maybe.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Meatballs 3”. Right above your left hand over there. No Bill Murray, but a great cast – good character development, lot of laughs, can’t go wrong – “Meatballs 3”.

Man: Ah, well, thanks, anyway.. but I don’t think that’s something I’d like.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. It’s your decision. Take a looksie. [ walks over to Jeff Goldblum in the store ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey..

Karl: Looking for a drama?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. I guess so.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Traces of Red”. Just got it in. Great cast – Lorraine Bracco, Jim Belushi.. good plot line.. good running time – 94 minutes, not too long, not too short – good film.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, I’m not sure about that one, but thanks very much.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. You’re the one watching it, not me, right? [ lauhs ] It’s your 94 minutes, right?

Jeff Goldblum: Right. Hey.. do you have, um.. “The Verdict”? I hear it’s very good.

Karl: Mmm.. “The Verdict”.. [ thinking ] who’s in that?

Jeff Goldblum: Paul Newman.

Karl: Yes. It’s right above your right hand, “The Verdict”, there you go. I don’t know if you’re gonna like it – it’s too preduicatable, you realzie halfway through he’s gonna win the case, no surprises.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, now I know how it ends.. so I guess I don’t have to rent it..

Karl: Alright, alright! I’m sorry. My fault! It’s your night. You’re the boss.

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah. Uh.. listen.. do you have, um.. do you have an adult section?

Karl: Sure! Pornos? Back corner! If you need any help, my name is Karl with a K. Give a yell.

Jeff Goldblum: [ comes forward to check out ]

Karl: [ notices Jeff staring at the celebrity photos onthe wall ] Okay.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. you see that? Lot of stars come in here, lot of stars all the time, in and out. I got all their credit card numbers – I don’t do anything with them. Okay.. “Children of a Lesser God”.. alright.. “Ladyhawke”.. Okay.. “On Golden Blonde”. [ suddenly recognizes Jeff ] Are.. you Jeff Goldblum? You’re Jeff Goldblum!

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.

Karl: Oh, my God! This is a great! No way! You, sir, are great! I am a fan. This is so neat for me, oh my gosh!

Jeff Goldblum: [ worried about his porno rental ] Could you just throw that in the bag..?

Karl: You know, do you have a glossy or smething, that I could put on my wall?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. fine.. but could you just go ahead and ring those right up..?

Karl: Oh, wow.. You know, Bob Saget comes in here a lot – big porn freak. Yeah. He likes the girl-girl stuff. Nice guy. I got his home phone number – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ enters, drops videotapes on the counter ] Hey, listen, um.. you recommended these, and these are horrible! You’re not gonna charge me for them, are.. [ notices Jeff Goldblum, gets excited ] Oh! You’re Jeff Goldblum?! I cxan’t believe you’re here!

Karl: I can, I can.. Lot of stars come in here all the time. Shirley Hemphill was in here two days ago – rented “Car Wash”, loved it. Nice lady. I’ve got her address – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ looks through Jeff’s rentals ] So, what have you got here? Ooh, “Ladyhawke”, this is really good..

Karl: Oh, yeah, that’s not all..

Mother: [ holds up the porno, distraught ] Ohhhh.. this is disgusting!

Daughter: [ pointing ] Mom, is he a pervert?

Mother: Yes, he is. [ exits ]

Karl: Hey, listen, ignore her – she rented “Troop Beverly Hills” for three weeks. [ spins finger around his head ] Don’t listen to anything she says.

Jeff Goldblum: Well..

Karl: You were in.. “Into The Night”.

Yeah.

Karl: My 14th favorite movie.. 1985.. good set design, good costumes, good running time.. I am a fan. [ bows ]

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. thank you very much.

Karl: Tell me something?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah?

Karl: Between you, me, and the wall – did you and Michelle Pfeiffer, uh.. have a little off-screen.. [ whistles and winks ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey! I think that’s a personal question.

Karl: Alright, alright! None of my business. That’s your call. Hey, can I interest you in a rewind machine while you’re here? On sale, $19.95, Gabe Kaplan got two. Nice guy, rents “Faces of Death”, kind of weird.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, really? No, well.. you know.. when the tape finishes, I can just push the rewind button on my VCR..

Karl: Alright, alright! That’s your call. It’s your night. You’re the boss. George Carlin doesn’t rewind, but, God love him, he’s a busy man, I don’t charge him.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh.. well, that’s so nice of you.

Karl: Okay, well..

Fat Man: [ enters ] Excuse me..?

Karl: Yeah, uh, back corner.

Jeff Goldblum: Thanks! [ retreats to back corner ]

Karl: If you could just bring that glossy in here, a lot of stars come in here, I like to show off.

Jeff Goldblum: Will do.

Karl: Okay. Nice to meet you.

Jeff Goldblum: Nice to meet you. Thank you. [ heads for door ]

Steven Tyler: [ enters ] Excuse me? You work here?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. back corner.

[ Steven retreats to the back corner, as Jeff exits the store ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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