Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 4
93d: John Malkovich / Billy Joel
Carville’s Visit
George Stephanopoulos…..Mike Myers
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Secretary…..Julia Sweeney
James Carville…..John Malkovich
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
George Stephanopoulos: Bush attacked your foreign policy again. This time, in a talk to a kindergarten class on a military base.
President Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] What did he say?
George Stephanopoulos: Well, he said that, uh — “Well, President Clinton is sending your mommies and daddies to die in a far away place, and you’ll all have to live in orphanages.”
President Bill Clinton: [ he shakes his head ] That’s just not fair!
George Stephanopoulos: I know. And the kids — the kids seemed pretty shaken up. Brokaw’s leading with it tonight.
President Bill Clinton: Boy! I’m taking a beating in Haiti and Somalia — did everyone just FORGET my Health Care plan?!
George Stephanopoulos: Well, actually, sir… Hillary seems to be getting all the credit. Everyone just loves her.
President Bill Clinton: Ughhh…[ Hillary enters ]
Hillary Clinton: Hi, Bill. Hi, George. Sorry I’m late. I was just working on some details in the children’s vaccination program.
George Stephanopoulos: Hillary? Bill and I were wondering: Could you do him a small favor?
Hillary Clinton: Sure. Anything.
George Stephanopoulos: Could you say that Somalia and Haiti were your idea?
President Bill Clinton: [ pleading ] It would really help a ton! Everyone loves you.
Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] Why — up to now, it’s just that we’ve always told the American people the truth.
[ Stephanopolous turns to the President and shrugs helplessly ]
Hillary Clinton: That’s how we run our marriage, and that’s how we run our country!
[ Clinton’s intercom buzzes ]
President Bill Clinton: Yeah?
Secretary V/O: Mr. President? James Carville is here.
President Bill Clinton: Uh, good… good. Send him in.
[ James Carville ambles into the office ]
President Bill Clinton: James. Good to see ya’. [ they shake hands ]
James Carville: Bill! What the hell ya’ doin’ in Haiti?! Huh?! I mean, I didn’t singlehandedly get you elected President so you can muck around some island full with people who ain’t even registered to vote!
President Bill Clinton: It’s very complex, Jim.
James Carville: Well, so is GUMBO!! But at least it tastes good! [ he laughs uproariously ]
George Stephanopoulos: Mr. President, uh — we have that meeting with the Joint Chiefs? The situation in Bosnia’s really getting ugly.
President Bill Clinton: Ugh, right. Bosnia. [ to Carville ] If you’ll excuse us…
James Carville: Would you forget about Bosnia?! You know how many electoral votes THEY got?! ZERO!!
[ the President exits ]
Hillary Clinton: James, do you really think foreign policy could hurt Bill in ’96?
James Carville: Hillary, sit down!
Hillary Clinton: Okay. [ she sits in front of the President’s desk ]
James Carville: Uh-uh. Behind the desk.
Hillary Clinton: Okay.
[ Hillary stands, then walks around the desk and takes her seat behind it, as Carville adjusts her seat with a flourish ]
James Carville: How’s that feel? You like that?
Hillary Clinton: Well… sure, it’s — it’s a comfortable chair.
James Carville: [ pounding his fists on the desk ] Come on! Move it around! Move soem papers here, pick up the phone — you know, sign your name, staple something! Couldn’t ya’? You could get used to that, couldn’t ya’?!
Hillary Clinton: Well, wait a minute! Are you saying you want me to run against Bill in ’96?
James Carville: Bingo! I crunched some numbers!
[ he hands Hillary a printout, which she studies carefully ]
Hillary Clinton: Well… but… but, James, I-I don’t know what to say. Obviously, if Bill were ever incapacitated, I would assume the presidency! And then, naturally, I’d prefer just to wait eight years and run with Al Gore as my Vice-President. But ’96?!
James Carville: I just gotta know one thing: Chelsea?
Hillary Clinton: Oh, I don’t want to bring Chelsea into this! She’s a 13-year old girl who deserves to be left alone!
James Carville: Now, we’re gonna need her endorsement!
Hillary Clinton: Well — I — she loves her dad.
James Carville: How does Ambassador Chelsea sound?
[ Hillary considers the thought, as Bill re-enters ]
President Bill Clinton: Hi, I’m back!
Hillary Clinton: Whoa!
[ Hillary ducks under the desk, pretending to search for something on the ground; Carville follows suit ]
James Carville: Uh, yes — Madame President — uh, Madame First Lady — did you find that earring?
Hillary Clinton: Uh, yes — it was under Bill’s chair! [ she laughs nervously ]
President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy… things sure are a mess in Bosnia.
James Carville: Yeah, well, uh — I gotta go, Mr. President. Now, bye bye!
President Bill Clinton: Uh — bye, James.
James Carville: And, uh, Hillary? I’ll see you in ’96… minutes!
[ Carville smiles mischieviously, then exits ]
President Bill Clinton: Did he ask you to run against me?
Hillary Clinton: [ solemnly ] Yeah.
President Bill Clinton: Are you gonna?
Hillary Clinton: If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: [ she wraps her arms around him ] No!
President Bill Clinton: I love you.
Hillary Clinton: And I love you.
President Bill Clinton: Hey! Good lookin’! Wanna go check out the Lincoln Bedroom?
Hillary Clinton: [ she giggles ] Can we discuss health insurance purchasing cooperatives vs. prospective payment systems?
President Bill Clinton: [ turned on ] Uh-huh!
[ they kiss and make out ]
[ fade ]