SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 10/23/93: Carville’s Visit


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 19: Episode 4

93d: John Malkovich / Billy Joel

Carville’s Visit

George Stephanopoulos…..Mike Myers
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Secretary…..Julia Sweeney
James Carville…..John Malkovich

[ open on exterior, White House ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

George Stephanopoulos: Bush attacked your foreign policy again. This time, in a talk to a kindergarten class on a military base.

President Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] What did he say?

George Stephanopoulos: Well, he said that, uh — “Well, President Clinton is sending your mommies and daddies to die in a far away place, and you’ll all have to live in orphanages.”

President Bill Clinton: [ he shakes his head ] That’s just not fair!

George Stephanopoulos: I know. And the kids — the kids seemed pretty shaken up. Brokaw’s leading with it tonight.

President Bill Clinton: Boy! I’m taking a beating in Haiti and Somalia — did everyone just FORGET my Health Care plan?!

George Stephanopoulos: Well, actually, sir… Hillary seems to be getting all the credit. Everyone just loves her.

President Bill Clinton: Ughhh…[ Hillary enters ]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Bill. Hi, George. Sorry I’m late. I was just working on some details in the children’s vaccination program.

George Stephanopoulos: Hillary? Bill and I were wondering: Could you do him a small favor?

Hillary Clinton: Sure. Anything.

George Stephanopoulos: Could you say that Somalia and Haiti were your idea?

President Bill Clinton: [ pleading ] It would really help a ton! Everyone loves you.

Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] Why — up to now, it’s just that we’ve always told the American people the truth.

[ Stephanopolous turns to the President and shrugs helplessly ]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we run our marriage, and that’s how we run our country!

[ Clinton’s intercom buzzes ]

President Bill Clinton: Yeah?

Secretary V/O: Mr. President? James Carville is here.

President Bill Clinton: Uh, good… good. Send him in.

[ James Carville ambles into the office ]

President Bill Clinton: James. Good to see ya’. [ they shake hands ]

James Carville: Bill! What the hell ya’ doin’ in Haiti?! Huh?! I mean, I didn’t singlehandedly get you elected President so you can muck around some island full with people who ain’t even registered to vote!

President Bill Clinton: It’s very complex, Jim.

James Carville: Well, so is GUMBO!! But at least it tastes good! [ he laughs uproariously ]

George Stephanopoulos: Mr. President, uh — we have that meeting with the Joint Chiefs? The situation in Bosnia’s really getting ugly.

President Bill Clinton: Ugh, right. Bosnia. [ to Carville ] If you’ll excuse us…

James Carville: Would you forget about Bosnia?! You know how many electoral votes THEY got?! ZERO!!

[ the President exits ]

Hillary Clinton: James, do you really think foreign policy could hurt Bill in ’96?

James Carville: Hillary, sit down!

Hillary Clinton: Okay. [ she sits in front of the President’s desk ]

James Carville: Uh-uh. Behind the desk.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

[ Hillary stands, then walks around the desk and takes her seat behind it, as Carville adjusts her seat with a flourish ]

James Carville: How’s that feel? You like that?

Hillary Clinton: Well… sure, it’s — it’s a comfortable chair.

James Carville: [ pounding his fists on the desk ] Come on! Move it around! Move soem papers here, pick up the phone — you know, sign your name, staple something! Couldn’t ya’? You could get used to that, couldn’t ya’?!

Hillary Clinton: Well, wait a minute! Are you saying you want me to run against Bill in ’96?

James Carville: Bingo! I crunched some numbers!

[ he hands Hillary a printout, which she studies carefully ]

Hillary Clinton: Well… but… but, James, I-I don’t know what to say. Obviously, if Bill were ever incapacitated, I would assume the presidency! And then, naturally, I’d prefer just to wait eight years and run with Al Gore as my Vice-President. But ’96?!

James Carville: I just gotta know one thing: Chelsea?

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I don’t want to bring Chelsea into this! She’s a 13-year old girl who deserves to be left alone!

James Carville: Now, we’re gonna need her endorsement!

Hillary Clinton: Well — I — she loves her dad.

James Carville: How does Ambassador Chelsea sound?

[ Hillary considers the thought, as Bill re-enters ]

President Bill Clinton: Hi, I’m back!

Hillary Clinton: Whoa!

[ Hillary ducks under the desk, pretending to search for something on the ground; Carville follows suit ]

James Carville: Uh, yes — Madame President — uh, Madame First Lady — did you find that earring?

Hillary Clinton: Uh, yes — it was under Bill’s chair! [ she laughs nervously ]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy… things sure are a mess in Bosnia.

James Carville: Yeah, well, uh — I gotta go, Mr. President. Now, bye bye!

President Bill Clinton: Uh — bye, James.

James Carville: And, uh, Hillary? I’ll see you in ’96… minutes!

[ Carville smiles mischieviously, then exits ]

President Bill Clinton: Did he ask you to run against me?

Hillary Clinton: [ solemnly ] Yeah.

President Bill Clinton: Are you gonna?

Hillary Clinton: If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: [ she wraps her arms around him ] No!

President Bill Clinton: I love you.

Hillary Clinton: And I love you.

President Bill Clinton: Hey! Good lookin’! Wanna go check out the Lincoln Bedroom?

Hillary Clinton: [ she giggles ] Can we discuss health insurance purchasing cooperatives vs. prospective payment systems?

President Bill Clinton: [ turned on ] Uh-huh!

[ they kiss and make out ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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