Mitch Leary…..John Malkovich
Wrong Number…..Kevin Nealon
Elderly Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Kid’s Mom…..Melanie Hutsell
Operator…..Sarah Silverman
Frank Corrigan…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on exterior, Mitch Leary’s apartment building, night ] [ dissolve to interior, Mitch’s apartment, as he picks up the phone and dials out ]


Mitch Leary: Frank? I have a question for you, Frank. How did you feel when President Kennedy was assassinated? It must have made you feel sad.

Wrong Number: Yeah.. I felt real bad.

Mitch Leary: I’m sure it hurt you.. to be that close, and not to be able to do anything.

Wrong Number: What do you mean?

Mitch Leary: Well.. maybe if you were a little quicker, maybe if you were a little more on your game, you could have saved his life.

Wrong Number: [ confused ] On my game? What are you talking about?

Mitch Leary: You know. On your game.

[ cut to the Frank Mitch is speaking to, clearly a wrong number ]

Wrong Number: What number are you calling?

Mitch Leary: Uh.. 5-5-5-7-2-3-4.

Wrong Number: [ laughs ] Oh! You dialed wrong! This is 7-2-3-7.

Mitch Leary: [ embarrassed ] Ohhh.. sorry!

Wrong Number: Aw, don’t worry, it’s alright. Things like this happen. It’s alright.

Mitch Leary: [ loses control ] I KNOW it’s ALRIGHT!! [ hangs up angrily, then redials ] Hello, Frank. I see you standing over the body of another dead president.

Elderly Woman: Hello-o-o-o!! Hello-o-o-o!!

Mitch Leary: May I speak to Frank?

Elderly Woman: Who-o-o??!

Mitch Leary: Frank!

Elderly Woman: Speak up, I can’t hear you!

Mitch Leary: Is Frank there?

[ cut to the elderly woman on the other line, another wrong number ]

Elderly Woman: I still can’t hear you! What number are you dialing?!

Mitch Leary: 5-5-5-7-2-3-4.

Elderly Woman: You got the wrong number!

Mitch Leary: What number is this?

Elderly Woman: Okay, bye-bye! [ hangs up ]

Mitch Leary: [ flustered, tries dialing the number again ] Hello, Frank. What do you do at night when the demons come?

Elderly Woman: Didn’t you just call me?!!

Mitch Leary: I’m sorry.. I thought I misdialed, but apparently I must have written the number down incorrectly. I’m sorry. [ hangs up, dials Directory Assistance ]

Operator: Directory Assistance. What city, please?

Mitch Leary: Washington, D.C., please. The number for Frank Corrigan.

Operator: Okay.. I have three Frank Corrigans. Do you know the street address?

Mitch Leary: Uh.. I.. I think it’s on M Street.

Operator: N-no.. but I have an F. Corrigan without an address.

Mitch Leary: Fine. Let’s try that one.

Operator: 5-5-5-4-0-2-0.

Mitch Leary: Thank you. [ hangs up, dials the number ] Hello?

Kid’s Mom: Hello!

Mitch Leary: May I speak to Frank?

Kid’s Mom: Alright. Frank? Telephone.

Kid: [ a small boy’s voice ] Hello?

Mitch Leary: Frank! Frank. How did you feel when Kennedy was killed?

[ cut to the small, innocent boy, fear on his face ]

Kid: You killed Kennedy?!! The V.J.?! From M-TV?!

Mitch Leary: No!

Kid’s Mom: I told you no phone calls after ten o’clock! Who is that?!

Kid: I-I don’t know.. he’s talking about Kennedy dying!

Kid’s Mom: Listen! Sir! I don’t know who you are.. but, frankly, I don’t know what a grown man is doing calling a nine year-old this late at night!

Mitch Leary: [ outraged ] I’m sorry!! [ she hangs up ] Oh, gee..! That’s a four! [ dials the number correctly this time ]

[ cut to scene from “In The Line Of Fire”, as Frank Corrigan answers his telephone ]

Frank Corrigan: Yeah!

Mitch Leary: Is this Frank?

Frank Corrigan: Yeah.

Mitch Leary: Frank Corrigan?

Frank Corrigan: Yeah.

Mitch Leary: The Secret Service agent?

Frank Corrigan: Yeah.

Mitch Leary: The one.. the one that was there when Kennedy was assassinated?

Frank Corrigan: Yeah. What do you want?

Mitch Leary: I have a question for you, Frank? How did you feel when President Kennedy was killed?

[ Corrigan’s call-waiting beeps in ]

Frank Corrigan: Uh.. can you hold on a second, I.. got a call on the other line.

Mitch Leary: [ annoyed, but stuck ] Sure.

Frank Corrigan: Look, uh.. I’ve gotta take this. You could call back, or give me your number.

Mitch Leary: I’ll call back. [ hangs up ] [ dissolve to exterior, Mitch’s building, as a shot rings out ]

Mitch Leary: [ dials the phone ] Hello. Is this Washington Memorial Hospital..? I’ve just shot myself in the foot.. could you send an ambulance..? I’m in 22 Elm..

Elderly Woman: Hello-o-o-o??! Hello-o-o?!

[ Mitch hangs up ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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