Ruining It For Everyone
Hostess…..Julia Sweeney
David Klaunoff…..Phil Hartman
Cheryl Green…..Ellen Cleghorne
Christian DuBois…..John Malkovich
Jerry Langley…..Adam Sandler
Bob Poochie…..Rob Schneider
Hostess: Hello. and welcome to “Ruining It For Everyone”, the show that brings you people who have ruined things for everyone else. Our first guest is David Klaunoff. David, why don’t you tell us what you ruined for everyone else.
David Klaunoff: Well, back one evening in October 1972, I was in my kitchen making fudge for Halloween, and.. [ chuckles ] ..I don’t know how it happened, but.. a couple of razor blades got in there, and I, uh.. I gave them out to some trick-or-treaters! [ laughs ] Anyway, there was a big uproar.. I kind of spooked everybody..
Hostess: Well.. so, now, because of you, parents don’t allow their kids to eat unwrapped Halloween candy.
David Klaunoff: Yeah. I heard that some places outlawed trick-or-treating altogether! [ laughs ]
Hostess: Well, very impressive. Our next guest is Cheryl Green from Los Angeles. What did you ruin for everybody?
Cheryl Green: Well, um.. I guess, um.. this was, like, around 1973.. when, um.. you know, gas stations first started to have Self-Serve. Well, anyway, um.. it was great for me, because, um.. I could pump my own gas, and then drive off without paying! [ laughs at herself ] And, um.. I guess that, um.. I kimnd of pioneered that practice.
Hostess: And, now gas stations make people pay before they can pump?
Cheryl Green: Um.. well.. yes. [ laughs ]
Hostess: Okay. Our next guest singlehandedly ruined a whole mode of traveling that had been popular for more than fifty years. Christian DuBois. Why don’t you tell us about it, Christian?
Christian DuBois: Certainly. It would be my pleasure. Uh.. well, you remember when a lot of people used to hitchhike.. and.. I used to hitchhike, too.. but.. one time, this guy in a green Chevy Nova was nice enough to give me a lift, and about.. five miles into the ride, I stabbed him repeatedly and left him for dead. And.. that.. that got a lot of press. and, to make things worse, I kind of went on this hitchhiking murder spree.. and.. ever since, people have been kind of gun-shy about picking up hitchhikers.
Hostess: So, you feel you ruined hitchhiking for everyone?
Christian DuBois: Well.. no. Practically.. I mean.. I myself still pick up hitchhikers.
Hostess: Really?
Christian DuBois: Yeah.. and then, I-I stab them.. which probably only makes things worse.
Hostess: Thank you, Christian.
Christian DuBois: Oh! Also – tamper-proof seals. That’s me, too. Sorry.
Hostess: Also with us, is Jerry Langley from New Jersey. Tell us your story, and what you ruined.
Jerry Langley: Well, uh uh.. a few years ago, I-I needed to go to the bathroom.. [ laughs ] ..so.. I-I-I stopped in this restaurant, and I asked if I could use theirs! And, uh.. I was in there, I went a little crazy, and, uh.. I just started whizzing all over the place! I whizzed in the sink, and on the mirrors.. I figured I’m not a customer, I could just whiz awat! I went back there the next night, and they had a sign up: “Bathroom for customers only.” [ laughs ]
Hostess: Well, then.. now, because of you, the general public can’t use the bathroom at that restaurant.
Jerry Langley: [ laughs ] Well, uh uh.. actually, I’ve done that at a lot of restaurants!
Hostess: And, finally, we have Bob Poochie. Now, Bob, you’ve ruined two things for everybody. Tell us about that.
Bob Poochie: To begin with, um.. I believe I’m the first man to go to topless bars and just sit there for hours, just watching the dancers without ordering a thing. I mean, I wouldn’t spend Dime One.
Hostess: And now, all those places have cover charges and a two-drink minimum.
Bob Poochie: That’s right.
Hostess: Uh.. and what was the other thing that you did?
Bob Poochie: [ clears throat ] Well, um.. I was also the first man eve.. to bring a woman to orgasm.
Hostess: [ amazed ] Really?!
Bob Poochie: Yeah. I mean, she swore she wouldn’t tell her friends.. but I guess the word got out.. and now, during sex, a lot of women just.. expect it.
Hostess: Okay. Uh.. let’s talk about the future. Uh.. any other plans for ruining things? David?
David Klaunoff: Well.. this Easter, I’m gonna make some chocolate Easter bunnies, and uh.. I’m gonna try to make sure there’s no razor blade in there, but – hey! Things happen! [ laughs ]
Hostess: Cheryl?
Cheryl Green: Um.. well, uh.. you know, uh.. how, in amusement parks they don’t have, uh.. metal detectors?
Hostess: [ uneasy ] Yes.
Cheryl Green: Well.. stay tuned! [ laughs ]
Hostess: I-I wouldn’t call it a plan.. but I have noticed how some people seem to have no fear of violent crime while they’re cycling. And, I-I’m gonna work on that, I have some ideas.
Hostess: Jerry – and you?
Jerry Langley: Uh.. you know, when you’re at your friend’s place, and they’ll let you use their bathroom? I-I’m gonna put an end to that!
Christian DuBois: Oh, and by the way – I’ve got a surprise for all of you who like Nutrasweet. Yeah. You’ll be hearing about it.
Hostess: Bob, is there anything else you’d like to ruin?
Bob Poochie: [ thinking ] I think I’ve done enough.
Hostess: I agree Thank you for joining us on “Ruining It For Everyone”. Join us next week, when our guests will be the inbventor of the radar gun, Ted Danson, and Patient Zero.
[ fade ]
One of the all-time great SNL sketches. Thanks for the transcript! The video is not online, presently.
Where the heck is the original version of this sketch with Jane curtain? It’s like Lorne Michaels has erased her.