Kenneth Reese-Evans…..Mike Myers
Sir Tristan Kenniworth…..John Malkovich
Dame Sarah Kensington…..Julia Sweeney
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Ohh, yes.. hello, and welcome to.. Theatre Stories! I’m your host, Kenneth Reese-Evans – otherwise known in British theatre circles as.. “Cucumber Jones”. With me, uhagghhhh, this evening..! Is acclaimed British actor – winner of five British Academy Awards – please welcome Sir Tristan, erggghhh.. Kenniworth.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Thank you, Cucumber, always a pleasure.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uh, yesss.. Also with us is Theatre Story perennial and mental case, Dame Sara K.. eugggghhhh.. Dame Sara!
Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name! They’re calling me again!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. sadly. And, also, with us, a special guest.. uuuhhh.. American film actor and racutner, Charlton, uh.. Heston!
Charlton Heston: Hello, Cucumber! I’m thrilled to be here!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sir Tristan, I’m, of ocurse, reminded of the time, uh.. you were in a production of Lear! At the Hay Market, and.. eaggghhhh.. during the storm sequence, you completely blanked on your lines.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. I didn’t know what to do, so, instead of the line “Fie fie, contempible storm!” I merely went: “Milk, milk, lemonade, the other side is where fudge is made!” And, do you know, ladies and gentlemen, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house?!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes! Yes, absolutely, I-I-I remember quite well, it was brilliant! It was.. it was a triumph! It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in the theatre! It was exciting to.. oh! [ his body has performed a 180 ] I seem to be rotating! Hold on.. I’ll catch you on the other side.. [ reaches a full 360 turn ] Yes! Wait a moment.. I will be locked into position, and.. there we are! Yes.. yes indeed. Very good. Ahhh.. Sharl-ten Hes-tine – I understand you haaaaaaaggggghhhve.. a very amusing story about the cinematic jaunt.. “the Planet of the Apes”.
Charlton Heston: That’s right, Cucumber.. On “Apes”, we didn’t have a caterer. All we had were ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well, I’m, uh.. I-I’m thrilled to the marrow, you ghastly American.
Charlton Heston: I’ll kick your ass, you limey pansy!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uhh, what a clever retort.
Dame Sarah Kensington: Am I allowed to say something?!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sadly.
Dame Sarah Kensington: I played Ophelia once, to Mr. Potato Head’s Lear! He could never keep his eyebrows on!
Kenneth Rees-Evans: Ohhhh, my God! How very, very terrible. I would imagine it’d be very, very frustrating.. to, uh, work with a performer and be knee-deep with his interchangeable facial features! [ his body jaunts itself forward ] I seem to be completely horizontal! I’m nape with the earth, I’m looking straight at the ground.. [ suddenly corrects his posture ] ..and! There! I’ve snapped out of it! lovely! Sir Tristie – Sir Tristie! Few people know – uggghhh! – that not ohhhhhnly! Have wetrod the booooooardss together.. but that, we’ve also starred in many a-dult films.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. Man-on-man films, mostly. I remember, uhhh.. I had a particularly demanding role in a production of “A Midsummer night’s Cream.”
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. yes, yes, yes.. I, of course, did “Cream” with a young Ralph Richardson. And.. I had to do a very long, ohhhhhhhhhhhh.. soliloquey! Whilst receiving what they call a “French gypsy” from said thespian. And do you know who that actor turned out to be? none other than Ralph Richardson. No word of it a lie – no wooooorrd! Of iiiiitt! A lie.
Dame Sarah Kensington: Mr. Potato Head’s member was twelve inches long, but he never used it as a rule!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: I.. I have always found it’s a challenge to perform a scene in iambic pentameter, whilst peeing on someone!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yeeees, well.. difficult, yes; impossible, no!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Oh, God no.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Noooooo!!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No.
Kenneth Rees-Evans: Noooooo!!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No. I specifically chose the word “challenge”.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. I remember once – ahhhhh – the National was mounting a production of “Barnyard Bunnies”, and I was in a menage-a-trois scene with a young Johnny Gilguld.. and, of course, Dame a-Judy a-Dench. and, as she was being “Dutch-doored”, she completely lost her place. Well, of ocurse, we had to improvise. And do you know who that young actress turned out to be? None other than a young Ralph Richardson.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Really?
Kenneth Reese-Evans: No word of it a lieee!
Dame Sarah Kensington: I’m receiving a transmission from the Mother Ship!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: How terribly fascinating.
Charlton Heston: I’d like to re-lay this story, if I could right noooowww.. I was doing The March of Dimes celebrity tennis tournament, back in Santa Barbaraaaaaa.. And my partner was Bill Cosby, and right before the match, Bill told me he was a big fan of my work. And I said to him that I wish I could return the compliment, but I never liked his work. In “Leonard, Part 6”, he was constantly mugging up a storm! I felt like I was watching Stretch Armstrong. I’d say, “Billy! It’s film.. take it down a notch.” At firs,t he was mad; but, later on, we did a production of “Jurassic Pork“.. asnd we’ve become very tight!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Thank you, Charlton Hes-tine..
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Do I have time to relay an anecdote, from a production of “Two Genitals of Baronna”?
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well.. I’m afraid that’s going to have to WAIT!! ‘m afraid that’s going to have to wait! Until another edition of.. eeeuuuuggghhhh! Theatre Stories! I’m your host – Cumcumber Jones. With me, of course, Dame Sara.. thank you, Tristie Kenniworth.. thank you, Charlton Hes-tine! And good night![ fade ]