Theatre Stories


Theatre Stories

Kenneth Reese-Evans…..Mike Myers
Sir Tristan Kenniworth…..John Malkovich
Dame Sarah Kensington…..Julia Sweeney
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Ohh, yes.. hello, and welcome to.. Theatre Stories! I’m your host, Kenneth Reese-Evans – otherwise known in British theatre circles as.. “Cucumber Jones”. With me, uhagghhhh, this evening..! Is acclaimed British actor – winner of five British Academy Awards – please welcome Sir Tristan, erggghhh.. Kenniworth.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Thank you, Cucumber, always a pleasure.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uh, yesss.. Also with us is Theatre Story perennial and mental case, Dame Sara K.. eugggghhhh.. Dame Sara!

Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name! They’re calling me again!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. sadly. And, also, with us, a special guest.. uuuhhh.. American film actor and racutner, Charlton, uh.. Heston!

Charlton Heston: Hello, Cucumber! I’m thrilled to be here!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sir Tristan, I’m, of ocurse, reminded of the time, uh.. you were in a production of Lear! At the Hay Market, and.. eaggghhhh.. during the storm sequence, you completely blanked on your lines.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. I didn’t know what to do, so, instead of the line “Fie fie, contempible storm!” I merely went: “Milk, milk, lemonade, the other side is where fudge is made!” And, do you know, ladies and gentlemen, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house?!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes! Yes, absolutely, I-I-I remember quite well, it was brilliant! It was.. it was a triumph! It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in the theatre! It was exciting to.. oh! [ his body has performed a 180 ] I seem to be rotating! Hold on.. I’ll catch you on the other side.. [ reaches a full 360 turn ] Yes! Wait a moment.. I will be locked into position, and.. there we are! Yes.. yes indeed. Very good. Ahhh.. Sharl-ten Hes-tine – I understand you haaaaaaaggggghhhve.. a very amusing story about the cinematic jaunt.. “the Planet of the Apes”.

Charlton Heston: That’s right, Cucumber.. On “Apes”, we didn’t have a caterer. All we had were ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well, I’m, uh.. I-I’m thrilled to the marrow, you ghastly American.

Charlton Heston: I’ll kick your ass, you limey pansy!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uhh, what a clever retort.

Dame Sarah Kensington: Am I allowed to say something?!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sadly.

Dame Sarah Kensington: I played Ophelia once, to Mr. Potato Head’s Lear! He could never keep his eyebrows on!

Kenneth Rees-Evans: Ohhhh, my God! How very, very terrible. I would imagine it’d be very, very frustrating.. to, uh, work with a performer and be knee-deep with his interchangeable facial features! [ his body jaunts itself forward ] I seem to be completely horizontal! I’m nape with the earth, I’m looking straight at the ground.. [ suddenly corrects his posture ] ..and! There! I’ve snapped out of it! lovely! Sir Tristie – Sir Tristie! Few people know – uggghhh! – that not ohhhhhnly! Have wetrod the booooooardss together.. but that, we’ve also starred in many a-dult films.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. Man-on-man films, mostly. I remember, uhhh.. I had a particularly demanding role in a production of “A Midsummer night’s Cream.”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. yes, yes, yes.. I, of course, did “Cream” with a young Ralph Richardson. And.. I had to do a very long, ohhhhhhhhhhhh.. soliloquey! Whilst receiving what they call a “French gypsy” from said thespian. And do you know who that actor turned out to be? none other than Ralph Richardson. No word of it a lie – no wooooorrd! Of iiiiitt! A lie.

Dame Sarah Kensington: Mr. Potato Head’s member was twelve inches long, but he never used it as a rule!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: I.. I have always found it’s a challenge to perform a scene in iambic pentameter, whilst peeing on someone!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yeeees, well.. difficult, yes; impossible, no!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Oh, God no.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Noooooo!!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No.

Kenneth Rees-Evans: Noooooo!!

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No. I specifically chose the word “challenge”.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. I remember once – ahhhhh – the National was mounting a production of “Barnyard Bunnies”, and I was in a menage-a-trois scene with a young Johnny Gilguld.. and, of course, Dame a-Judy a-Dench. and, as she was being “Dutch-doored”, she completely lost her place. Well, of ocurse, we had to improvise. And do you know who that young actress turned out to be? None other than a young Ralph Richardson.

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Really?

Kenneth Reese-Evans: No word of it a lieee!

Dame Sarah Kensington: I’m receiving a transmission from the Mother Ship!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: How terribly fascinating.

Charlton Heston: I’d like to re-lay this story, if I could right noooowww.. I was doing The March of Dimes celebrity tennis tournament, back in Santa Barbaraaaaaa.. And my partner was Bill Cosby, and right before the match, Bill told me he was a big fan of my work. And I said to him that I wish I could return the compliment, but I never liked his work. In “Leonard, Part 6”, he was constantly mugging up a storm! I felt like I was watching Stretch Armstrong. I’d say, “Billy! It’s film.. take it down a notch.” At firs,t he was mad; but, later on, we did a production of “Jurassic Pork“.. asnd we’ve become very tight!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Thank you, Charlton Hes-tine..

Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Do I have time to relay an anecdote, from a production of “Two Genitals of Baronna”?

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well.. I’m afraid that’s going to have to WAIT!! ‘m afraid that’s going to have to wait! Until another edition of.. eeeuuuuggghhhh! Theatre Stories! I’m your host – Cumcumber Jones. With me, of course, Dame Sara.. thank you, Tristie Kenniworth.. thank you, Charlton Hes-tine! And good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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