Naming The Band
Richard…..Christian Slater
David…..David Spade
Adam…..Adam Sandler
Chris…..Chris Farley
Melanie…..Melanie Hutsell
Mother’s Voice…..Julia Sweeney
[ open on teenagers sitting around Richard’s room playing their guitars ]
Richard: Alright. First off, we need a name for our band, okay? Then we all learn how to play instruments.. then we get gigs.. and then every chick in the school digs us! Alright? So it’s starts with a name. I got two. Zaxxon, or Matrix. I like ’em both – which one?
David: Ugh..
Adam: Neither. How about Ray Gun?
Richard: Yeah. Right. Loverboy sounded good once, too.
David: I liked Loverboy. [ a beat ] Okay, uh.. how about.. Open Casket.
Richard: I don’t know.. it’s a little dark..
Mother’s Voice: Richard! What are you boys doing up there!
Richard: We’re talking, so shut up!!
Mother’s Voice: Don’t you use those words on me! Don’t you tell me to shut up!!
Richard: I swear to God, Ma, you gotta get off my back! [ excited ] Hey! That’s what we can call the band!
David: It’s too long. Okay, how about, um.. The Fairies.
Adam: We’re not gay!
David: I know! That’s the genius! ‘Cause it’s so opposite of what we are!
Richard: [ shaking his head ] No one would get that.
Chris: How about.. Pearl Jam?
Richard: Just shut up, idiot! There already is a Pearl Jam!
Chris: Err.. I mean.. Pearl Jam II.
Richard: [ aggravated ] Bands don’t have sequels! Alright, look – here’s how to do it, okay? Let’s figure out what we’re gonna sing about, and then we’ll think of a name.
David: Alright..
Adam: Okay.. Love, you know. We’ll write about being in love.
Richard: No, man! That’s been covered, that’s old news! Let’s talk about truth!
[ the gang is ecstatic about the idea ]
Richard: Right! And, no matter how big we get, we don’t date models!
David: Yeah.. yeah.. But.. but, can they be pretty girls?
Richard: Yeah. But not models.
Adam: Okay. How.. how pretty can they be?
Richard: [ getting annoyed ] As long as they never got paid for being pretty, okay? [ thinking ] You know, wait a second.. supermodels are okay, alright? But no lowball part-time model chicks! Okay? Now, what’s the truth we’re gonna sing about?
Chris: [ struggling to explain his idea ] How about.. this one time.. I stayed at.. my friend’s house. And, uh.. uh, I got crabs from his ouch, and.. so, I went into the bathroom to kill ’em.. and I set off a bug bomb. And.. and.. I sat in there for about two hours.. and.. I almost died!
Richard: [ nearly left speechless ] Okay, maybe love is good..
Mother’s Voice: Richard! It’s time to see your friends home, you’ve got school tomorrow!
Richard: Would you shut up?! I mean, can’t you just hut up for once in your stinkin’ life?! Just shut up!
Mother’s Voice: I’m gonna get your father to tan your hide when he gets here!
Richard: Good! I’ll sue him!
Mother’s Voice: You couldn’t afford it!
Richard: Yeah, well, I’ll take out a school loan!
Mother’s Voice: Richard, I’m serious! It’s late! Send your friends home!
Adam: Shut.. up!!
Richard: Hey, man.. don’t tell my mom to shut up.
Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s go out and buy some pot.
Richard: You have money?
Melanie: No.
Richard: I guess we’re not gonna go get pot, then.
Melanie: Oh.. sorry. [ sits ]
David: Hey, you guys, we’ve gotta write songs about drugs! Alright? Like, remember “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds”? Lucy.. Sky.. Diamonds – L.S.D., right? See? Every song from the 70’s is about drugs. Give me any song.
Adam: “Hey Jude”.
David: “Hey Jude”? “Hey Heroin”! “Don’t make it bad”? “Don’t make a bad batch – of heroin.” See? Once you know what they’re doing, it’s easy! It’s like The Who, when they sang “Don’t Get Food Again”? “Food” is heroin!
Adam: [ laughing ] I think it’s “Don’t Get Fooled Again”!
David: No, it’s not! I saw him say it in an interview – he quoted it! And, like, on “Ticket To Ride” – Ride is the heroin trip, and Ticket is your dealer. Wait.. I think the ticket is just a ticket on that one..
Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s get some pot!
Richard: [ confused ] Did you just make some money in the last five minutes?
Melanie: No.
Richard: Then, shut up! Plus, you know, I don’t really know if this band smokes pot, alright? It might not be their image! Alright, let’s vote. Who thinks this band should smoke pot?
[ everyone raises their hands ]
Alright. Well, when we’re making the bucks, it’ll be easy to get it.
Chris: [ awkwardly ] Mooney..? Man.. the best way to get some cash flow going.. is to invent something.. We need, like, a killer idea that.. like, the guy who, that, invented the Pet Rock? He’s got it made! ‘Cause.. in.. he.. does nothing.. ever! All he does.. is just kick back in his pad all day, and get baked! Cashing elephant.. checks.. and.. then.. errr.. what.. what was I saying? [ drifts off ]
Richard: Nothing.. nothing. [ the phone rings ] Don’t answer it!
Adam: [ singing and strumming guitar ]
“The phone is ringing
I ain’t gonna answer it.
No, no, can’t pick it up
‘Cuase of what it represents..”
David: Yeah.. yeah! Dude, the phone is heroin.. and answering it is giving in to your habit!
Adam: [ still singing ]
“It’s my baby
She says “Bye bye” —
This song sucks, answer the phone.
Richard: [ answers the phone ] Good, I’m glad! [ slams the receiver ]
Mother’s Voice: Don’t you hang up on me!!
Richard: Would you shut up?!! Guys, look.. you gotta take off, she’s really upset.
David: Alright, alright..
Adam: What time we gonna meet tomorrow?
Richard: Uh.. five o’clock. Alright. And, uh, be thinking of album cover ideas, okay?
David: Alright, great. See you then. [ indicating Chris ] Wake him up..
[ fade ]
