Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker
Dad…..Phil Hartman
Son #1…..Christian Slater
Daughter…..Melanie Hutsell
Son #2…..David Spade
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
[ open on interior, living room – front door opens, as Dad follows histeenaged children inside ]
Dad: Alright, get in here, sit down. [ the kids sit down on thecouches ] Once again, I’ve got half the neighborhood calling mesaying that you’ve egged their homes, turned over their garbage, soakedtheir windows, teepeed their trees..
Ah, don’t worry, Dad. The other half’ll be calling soon! [ grins ]
Dad: Look, I don’t know what gets into you.. you kids.. but, for once, I’m not even gonna try to find out! This year I’ve planned ahead. I’ve asked someone to come by the house and straighten you out!
Son #1: Gee, Dad, you really didn’t have to go to all that trouble.
Daughter: Who is it?
Dad: His name is Matt Foley, and he’s a motivational speaker. Now, he’s been downstairs in the den eating No-Doze for about four hours! [ peeks his head into the next room ] Hey, Matt? Come on up, we’re ready for you!
Matt Foley: [ enters living room bouncing back and forth ] Thanks, Dad! I’ll take it from here! Well, well, well. Now, as your father told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker! Before I begin, I want to tell you a little about myself, so you’ll know where I’m coming from. First off, I am 35 years old.. I am thrice divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! [ approaches Son #2 ] We’ll start with you young man! Now, let me begin with an obvious question: Who threw the egg?
Son #2: I don’t know. But I can tell you what you had for lunch today – a chili dog. [ the teenagers laugh ] No, really, I don’t know.
Matt Foley: [ mimicking ] I.. don’t.. know! Well, that and a nickel will get you a hot cup of jack squat! Young lady, you want to throw in your two cents?
Daughter: No.
Matt Foley: Anybody? Oh, the silent treatment, huh? Well, well, well.. a few minutes ago you were all as lively as a bunch of fish laughing and giggling, throwing eggs around like a short-order cook at a truck stop!“Hey, man, look at me go, throwing eggs! I’m the Egg-Man, coo-coo-ca-choo! [ laughs ] That’s a riot, you kids are having a ball! Well, get over it! [ approaches Son #1 ] Now, what, may I ask, did you hope to accomplish by these shenanigans?
Son #1: Mt personal goal, Matt, was to get the eggs on the side of the house! [ grins ]
Matt Foley: [ laughs ] Well, well, the jokes keep on coming![ approaches Son #2 ] Help me out, young fella, I can’t see real good, is that Bob Hope over there? Huh? You keep it up, pal, there’s a big future in it! Kids, this reminds me of a spooky Halloween story. Dad, that’s your cue. [ Dad turns off the lights, and Matt shines a flashlight below his face ] Once, there was a boy who liked to throw things. He started out throwing eggs. Then, he threw the big game. Then, he threw back a shot of whiskey. Then he threw up. Then he got thrown out of the house, and then he moved into a van down by the river! Dad, lights! [ Dad turns the lights back on ]
Son #2: Matt, we were just having fun..
Matt Foley: So, you had fun? How do you think the eggs felt? Hey, let’s find out! I’ll be you, and you be the eggs! [ picks Son #2 up and spins him around the room ] “Hey, look at me! I’m gonna throw some eggs around!” [ trips and falls backwards onto the coffee table ]
Dad: [ interceding ] Alright, Matt, I think you made your point..
Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you’d sincerely do everyone a great service, and clam up! Now, as I see it, there is only one solution, and that is for me to transform this group of hooligans into a first-class clean-up crew! Don’t worry, kids, we’ll still have Halloween fun! [ retreats to the kitchen ] Who needs candy apples when you’ve got soapy water and a little elbow grease? [ returns with some mop buckets ] Everyone, grab a bucket! [ doorbell rings ] I’ll get it, don’t worry about a thing – trick or treat! [ opens door and discovers a flaming bag on the porch ] Oh, my God! [ stomps the flame, smearing feces on the porch ] Oh, my God! Hot foot! Hot foot! [ stomps through the living room and trips on the window curtains ] Don’t worry about a thing, ol’ Matt has it under control! [ wipes his shoe with the curtain ] Looks like Fido had a little hand in this! [ trips again and crashes through the front window ] What are you looking at? I’ve done my job! If you need me, I’ll be extractingglass out of my rear end in a van down by the river!
[ fade to black ]
Wow – bringing theatrical events to theaters! What’ll he think of next? Mmm – No Doze. Got any? At least they didn’t soap the windows and TP the trees. So that’s something. Hooligan = Houlihan. Damned papists. Having never seen, and heard only bits of, the original, repeated here and there, I’d assumed he was warning the son that he the son would wind up living in a van down by the river, if he didn’t wise up, and quick. Always funny how wearing a cheap, badly-cut, suit coat with a giant ugly checked pattern, which most homeless guys would be embarrassed to be caught dead in, is supposed to convey respectability. Melanie Hutsell: Call me.