Christian Slater’s Monologue

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Christian Slater’s Monologue

…..Christian Slater
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..David Spade
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Mike Myers
…..Chris Farley


Christian Slater: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting the Halloween show. Honestly, I just love Halloween, I think it’s the best holiday of the year. And, I know I’m a little bit old for this, but I’ve got a little uniform here.. [ puts on a pirate outfit ] Now, I don’t care. Let’s go out and trick-or-treat for a little while, okay? It’ll be great! I need my trick-or-treat bag. Let’s see what they have out here! [ runs down the hall ] Hey, Joe!

Joe Dicso: Yes, Christian?

Christian Slater: A little trick-or-treat?

Joe Dicso: I don’t really have anything, Christian.

Christian Slater: Come on, man, it’s Halloween. Trick-or-treat!

Joe Dicso: Uh.. how about some Tic-Tacs?

Christian Slater: [ excited ] Ah, that’s cool! Perfect!

Joe Dicso: A breath freshener? [ drops them in Christian’s pumpkin ]

Christian Slater: [ moving on ] Let’s see, who can I scare in these lovely hallowed halls? [ spots someone ] Hey! Boo! [ continues on, until he runs into Ellen Cleghorne being made up as Queen Shenequa ] Alrighty! Hey, come on! Trick-or-treat!

Ellen Cleghorne: Christian, please..

Christian Slater: Come on, trick-or-treat, I’m a pirate! Alright? give me something, or I’ll make you walk the plank!

Ellen Cleghorne: Here.. here.. take this. [ drops rubber nose in pumpkin ]

Christian Slater: Oh? It’s a rubber nose. There you go, thank you very much! [ continues down the hall, where he runs into David Spade and Tim Meadows ] Boo! Hey, how are you!

Alright, Christian, what’s up?

Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat!

David Spade: [ confused ] What?

Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat! Here you go!

David Spade: I don’t think so.

Christian Slater: Come on, man! It’s my show! Trick-or-treat!

David Spade: [ sighs ] Well, uh.. you want some of this Coneheads merchandizing we have over here?

Christian Slater: Aw, cool, man! Alright, I love it! Action figures, too? That’s the coolest! Thanks! Thi is fantasic! [ moves on ] [ cut to Lorne Michaels hitting on Linda Richman ]

Lorne Michaels: You’re very, very attractive, and –

Mike Myers; Lorne? It’s me.. Mike Myers.

Christian Slater: [ runs in ] Hey Lorne, trick-or-treat!

Lorne Michaels: Enough! Enough, okay? This is childish and unprofessional. Okay? We’ve got a show to do, it’s not the way we work here, okay?

[ Chris Farley enters wearing a huge pumpkin costume and carrying multiple bags of candy ]

Chris Farley: Hey, Lorne!! Trck-or-treat!!

Christian Slater: Oh, my God! Wow, Chris, where’d you get all this candy?

Chris Farley: The audience. Christian! They’re loaded with candy!

Christian Slater: Really?! Wow!

Chris Farley: Yeah, let’s go!

Christian Slater: Okay! Excellent! [ runs onstage with Chris ] We’ve got a great show! Smashing Pumpkins is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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