Christian Slater’s Monologue


Christian Slater’s Monologue

…..Christian Slater
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..David Spade
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Mike Myers
…..Chris Farley


Christian Slater: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting the Halloween show. Honestly, I just love Halloween, I think it’s the best holiday of the year. And, I know I’m a little bit old for this, but I’ve got a little uniform here.. [ puts on a pirate outfit ] Now, I don’t care. Let’s go out and trick-or-treat for a little while, okay? It’ll be great! I need my trick-or-treat bag. Let’s see what they have out here! [ runs down the hall ] Hey, Joe!

Joe Dicso: Yes, Christian?

Christian Slater: A little trick-or-treat?

Joe Dicso: I don’t really have anything, Christian.

Christian Slater: Come on, man, it’s Halloween. Trick-or-treat!

Joe Dicso: Uh.. how about some Tic-Tacs?

Christian Slater: [ excited ] Ah, that’s cool! Perfect!

Joe Dicso: A breath freshener? [ drops them in Christian’s pumpkin ]

Christian Slater: [ moving on ] Let’s see, who can I scare in these lovely hallowed halls? [ spots someone ] Hey! Boo! [ continues on, until he runs into Ellen Cleghorne being made up as Queen Shenequa ] Alrighty! Hey, come on! Trick-or-treat!

Ellen Cleghorne: Christian, please..

Christian Slater: Come on, trick-or-treat, I’m a pirate! Alright? give me something, or I’ll make you walk the plank!

Ellen Cleghorne: Here.. here.. take this. [ drops rubber nose in pumpkin ]

Christian Slater: Oh? It’s a rubber nose. There you go, thank you very much! [ continues down the hall, where he runs into David Spade and Tim Meadows ] Boo! Hey, how are you!

Alright, Christian, what’s up?

Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat!

David Spade: [ confused ] What?

Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat! Here you go!

David Spade: I don’t think so.

Christian Slater: Come on, man! It’s my show! Trick-or-treat!

David Spade: [ sighs ] Well, uh.. you want some of this Coneheads merchandizing we have over here?

Christian Slater: Aw, cool, man! Alright, I love it! Action figures, too? That’s the coolest! Thanks! Thi is fantasic! [ moves on ]

[ cut to Lorne Michaels hitting on Linda Richman ]

Lorne Michaels: You’re very, very attractive, and –

Mike Myers; Lorne? It’s me.. Mike Myers.

Christian Slater: [ runs in ] Hey Lorne, trick-or-treat!

Lorne Michaels: Enough! Enough, okay? This is childish and unprofessional. Okay? We’ve got a show to do, it’s not the way we work here, okay?

[ Chris Farley enters wearing a huge pumpkin costume and carrying multiple bags of candy ]

Chris Farley: Hey, Lorne!! Trck-or-treat!!

Christian Slater: Oh, my God! Wow, Chris, where’d you get all this candy?

Chris Farley: The audience. Christian! They’re loaded with candy!

Christian Slater: Really?! Wow!

Chris Farley: Yeah, let’s go!

Christian Slater: Okay! Excellent! [ runs onstage with Chris ] We’ve got a great show! Smashing Pumpkins is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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