Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 5
You Put Your Weed In It
Cop #1…..Phil Hartman
Store owner…..Rob Schneider
Female Customer…..Melanie Hutsell
Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows
Male Customer #2…..Adam Sandler
Husband: The pottery animals are really amazing.
Wife: I think theyre native American honey.
Owner: Thats right. Thats a Zuna Maracopa bird. It represents a beloved Zuni folk tale.Wife: What do you do with it?
Owner: Oh you put your weed in there.
Wife: Oh. [Nealon and Sweeney walk out of store]
Owner: Hi can I help you?
Female Customer: Um yeah, what is this?
Owner: Its a Katchina doll.
Female Customer: Whats that?
Owner: The hopi word katsina or katchina is used in 3 ways. It refers to spirit beings, the mass dancers who impersonate these beings, or the painted wooden figurines, which represent these dancers. The katchina was very important in the religious life of the ancient Pueblo people.
Female Customer: Wow thats fascinating.
Owner: Yeah and you put your weed in there. [points to inside of object]
Female Customer: Thanks. [walks away]
Male Customer #1: [approaches counter] How ya doin? Hey you sold me this thing last week.
Owner: Right, a Pafue funeral mask.
Male Customer #1: Yeah but I put my weed in there- cant get it out.
Owner: Woah I think you better talk to our customer service guy. Allen!
Allen: Hey what up man?
Owner: This guy cant get his weed out of there.
Allen: Let me take a look. Woah, no wonder, man its completely full of weed. How much weed did you put in there?
Male Customer #1: As much as itll hold.
Allen: You gotta use common sense. We always tell our customers: if you think you put too much weed in there, you probably did.
Owner: You were jamming weed in there like it had some kind of tantalese harvestyle, what did you expect?
Allen: Were gonna have to keep this overnight to get the weed out.
Male Customer #1: Ok thanks a lot.
Male Customer #2: [approaches Allen] Hey is this from Egypt?
Allen: Uh yeah, its an ancient scarab made by the Egyptians over 4,000 years ago.
Male Customer #2: What did they use it for?
Allen: Archaeologists dont really know, but I have a theory.
Male Customer #2: Whats that?
Allen: They put their weed in there.
Male Customer #2: Ok thanks man. [phone rings as Sandler walks away]
Owner: [answers phone] Hello?… Yeah Uh huh No you put you weed in there No problem [puts down phone]. [2 cops walk in]
Owner: [talking to Allen] Its ok, stay calm, just dont mention weed.
Allen: Dont mention weed.
Allen and Owner: [after pause] Weed! Weed!Cop #1: Whats that?
Allen and Owner: Nothin.
Cop #1: You called to report a theft.
Owner: Well yeah I did. Someone stole a jurajian ancestor figurine and it had something very valuable in it, but we cant tell you what it is.
Cop #1: Well why not? You want it back right?
Allen and Owner: No yes.Cop #1: You guys arent being very helpful.
Owner: Can I talk to you in private? [he walks over with cop #1] Look this whole place is full of weed and its all his. [points to Allen]
Cop #1: Whats that in your pocket?
Cop #1: Alright youre under arrest.
Owner: Its his weed!
Allen: His weed!
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg