Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 6
Rosie O’Donnell’s Monologue
Female Audiene Member…..Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member #1…..Fred Wolf
Male Audience Member #2…..Norm MacDonald
Male Audience Member #3…..Tom Davis
Male Audience Member #4…..Dave Attell
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Rosie O’Donnell!
Rosie O’Donnell: Thank you very much, thanks a lot! Thank you! Welcome to the show! What a thrill for me to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Really! It’s, uh.. such a joy.. especially here in New York City, and I don’t know if you know, but I’m From New York! [ audience breaks into applause ] In fac, I just moved back here from Los Angeles, last week, so uh.. I’ve been out there, about eight years. I’ve been lucky, you know? I had a ltitle moderate success in the “film business”. A couple movies, I don’t know if you saw ’em.. the first film I did was called “A League Of Their Own” with, uh.. [ audience breaks into thunderous obligatory applause ] Ohh! Aw, that’s so nice of you! That’s great! Yeah, it did well.. I think it made, like, $200 million or something – it was nuts! You know? It’s crazy. And then I had another film – “Sleepless In Seattle”. [ audience again breaks into thunderous obligatory applause ] Oh, you saw- you saw that one! Yeah.. it was, uh.. also made, like, $200 million – it’s crazy!! The money.. they make with movies now.. I just wrapped “The Flintstones”, too, which I’m gonna be, uh.. [ audience again erupts into applause ] Oh, you’re excited aout?! That’s so nice! I mean, who the heck knows – maybe $300 million! You know, you can’t predict!
But, the thing is – big money, big success.. you gotta have a change That’s the thing- [ her cellphone rings ] Could you hold on a second? One minute! [ answers cellphone ] Hello. Oh, hey Mo. Yeah, hold on! [ covers mouthpiece ] It’s Madonna! She’s claling from Istanbul – she’s touring. She gets so nervous. [ returns to phone call ] Hello? Yeah, hi! No, no.. it’s not a bit, it’s fine! Well.. I told you, I’d open ewith “Holiday”.. go into “Like A Virgin”.. right. And then, do the dance mix of “Erotica”. Okay. Yea,h great! Yeah. I-I gotta go.. Yeah, I love you, too! Okay. I sure will. Alright. [ hanhgs up ] She said to say hello to all you people! She’s crazy like that.
But, lately, I’ve been so busy – as I said – doing films, that I don’t get a hcance to do this. You know, with the people, the real people. So.. I thought, heck, I’d just take the time from my monologue and answer soem questions.. that you might have about my success and my career, my life.. whatever. [ sees a woman standing in the audience ] Yes?
Female Audience Member: I think you’re great – I love you!
Rosie O’Donnell: Oh! That’s so nice! Thank you so much!
Female Audience Member: Are you gonna be doing any solo albums, now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?
Rosie O’Donnell: I, uh.. I wasn’t in Wilson Phillips. That was.. that’s Carnie Wilson, I believe, that you’re thinking about. Yeah, thanks! [ sees a man stand in the audience ] Oh, here’s a question, right here. Yes?
Male Audience Member #1: Yeah. “Roseanne”‘s a great show – do you like working with John Goodman every week?
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s Roseannae Arnold. I’m Rosie O’Donnell. [ acknowledges another male audience member ] Yes.. sir. What about you?
Male Audience Member #2: Yeahhh, uh.. “Designing Women”? It, uh.. it got really bad when you left!
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s Delta Burke.
Male Audience Member #3: Uh..
Rosie O’Donnell: [ acknowledges yet another male audience member ] Yeah?
Male Audience Member #3: Yeah. do you miss those girls from “Facts of Life”?
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s, um.. Mindy Cohn, actually, I think you’re thinking of. She played Natalie.
Male Audience Member #3: Oh. Well, uh.. you were great in “Misery”.
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s another actress, sir. [ acknowledges another male audience member ] Yeah?
Male Audience Member #4: You’re married to Richard Gere, right?
Rosie O’Donnell: [ laughing ] No, that’s Cindy Crawford! But people get us confused all the time! Yeah, no more questions – we don’t really have time for questions tonight, because uh.. we have a great show – and this guy thinks I look like Cindy Crawford! So.. James Taylor is here, he’s our musical guest. And we’ll be right back after this!