Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 6
The Packwood Diaries
Sen. Robert Packwood…..Phil Hartman
[ SUPER: (over Sen. Bob Packwood’s hands clutching a mini-recorder) “The Packwood Diaries” ] [ Sen. Packwood raises the mini-recorder to his lips, and speaks into it ]
Sen. Packwood: Dear Diary: Today was a very productive day; the kind of day that makes being a U.S. Senator.. all worthwhile.
This morning, during a Committee hearing on health care for migrant workers, I was called to the floor for a vote on suspending most-favored-nation status to China. On the way, I found myself alone in an elevator with an attractive and shapely Senate page. I rubbed up against her, and then.. shoved my tongue down her throat. I think she liked it. I could tell, because her heart was pounding. As I cast my vote on the floor, I thought about how exciting it must be for a young woman barely my daughter’s age.. to have a U.S. Senator’s tongue down her throat. It made me realize.. what a responsibility this office really is.
After lunch, I chaired a subcommittee hearing on opening Japenese markets to American agricultural products. During the recess, I told a pretty blonde staffer that.. I wante to discuss her career down in the Senate basement; where I groped her breasts. I think she liked it; although she told me she felt sickened and humiliated. Just to be safe, I hinted that it might hurt her career if she told anyone. Then I stuck my tongue down her throat.
Later that evening, I spoke to a pro-choice women’s group. There’s.. nothing like a couple hundred women looking at you, in awe of your power as a U.S. senator, to.. to make you horny. Of course, many of the women were dogs and dikey-looking.. but, by then, I was drunk. I asked one of the women to drive me home, and on the way I groped her breasts and stuck my tongue down her throat. She begged me to stop, but I think it was just because she was driving. By the time I got home, Gretchen and the kids were asleep, so.. I poured myself a drink, and.. then I stuck my tongue down Gretchen’s throat.
All in all, the kind of day that makes you say.. “I want to be a U.S. senator for the rest of my life.”[ takes a sip from a glass of booze ]
Oh, and Margaret, when you print this up, be sure to add: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“