SNL Transcripts: Rosie O’Donnell: 11/13/93: The Packwood Diaries


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 19: Episode 6

93f: Rosie O’Donnell / James Taylor

The Packwood Diaries

Sen. Robert Packwood…..Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: (over Sen. Bob Packwood’s hands clutching a mini-recorder) “The Packwood Diaries” ] [ Sen. Packwood raises the mini-recorder to his lips, and speaks into it ]

Sen. Packwood: Dear Diary: Today was a very productive day; the kind of day that makes being a U.S. Senator.. all worthwhile.

This morning, during a Committee hearing on health care for migrant workers, I was called to the floor for a vote on suspending most-favored-nation status to China. On the way, I found myself alone in an elevator with an attractive and shapely Senate page. I rubbed up against her, and then.. shoved my tongue down her throat. I think she liked it. I could tell, because her heart was pounding. As I cast my vote on the floor, I thought about how exciting it must be for a young woman barely my daughter’s age.. to have a U.S. Senator’s tongue down her throat. It made me realize.. what a responsibility this office really is.

After lunch, I chaired a subcommittee hearing on opening Japenese markets to American agricultural products. During the recess, I told a pretty blonde staffer that.. I wante to discuss her career down in the Senate basement; where I groped her breasts. I think she liked it; although she told me she felt sickened and humiliated. Just to be safe, I hinted that it might hurt her career if she told anyone. Then I stuck my tongue down her throat.

Later that evening, I spoke to a pro-choice women’s group. There’s.. nothing like a couple hundred women looking at you, in awe of your power as a U.S. senator, to.. to make you horny. Of course, many of the women were dogs and dikey-looking.. but, by then, I was drunk. I asked one of the women to drive me home, and on the way I groped her breasts and stuck my tongue down her throat. She begged me to stop, but I think it was just because she was driving. By the time I got home, Gretchen and the kids were asleep, so.. I poured myself a drink, and.. then I stuck my tongue down Gretchen’s throat.

All in all, the kind of day that makes you say.. “I want to be a U.S. senator for the rest of my life.”

[ takes a sip from a glass of booze ]

Oh, and Margaret, when you print this up, be sure to add: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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