Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 6
Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley
Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
Lorena Bobbitt…..Rosie O’Donnell
John Bobbitt…..Mike Myers
Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.
Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]
Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me![ turns to camera ]
Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley! As you know, I’m not a licensed therapist. But, from time to time, we have people on the show who are having problems, and I help them. That’s.. that’s what I do![ camera pans left to reveal John and Lorena Bobbitt as today’s guests ]
So, with us today is a couple from Manassas, Virginia.. and they.. they are having marital difficulties. Lorena and John B. I’ll maintain your anominity. Now, Lorena, I understand that you and John filed for divorce. Now, is this what you really want?
Lorena Bobbitt: Yes.
Stuart Smalley: And, John, do you feel the same way?
John Bobbitt: [ in pain as he sits open-legged ] Definitely.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Well, that’s.. o-kay. Sometimes it’s good to make a, you know.. clean break, you know.. and get on with our lives! But sometimes we can patch things up if we trace it, face it, and erase it. And that’s what we’re going to do today. So, Lorena, now what was your beef with John?
Lorena Bobbitt: He forced me to have sex!
John Bobbitt: I did not force!
Stuart Smalley: No. No crosstalk. We’ll hear your story later. Okay, Lorena.. now, how did that make you feel? Did it make you angry? [ she nods head ] Yes. And what did you do with that anger?
Lorena Bobbitt: I cut off his penis!
Stuart Smalley: [ absorbing, coming to terms with her anger ] John.. uh.. when Lorena, uh.. cut off your penis.. how did that make you feel?
John Bobbitt: [ gritting teeth ] Well, it hurt a lot.
Stuart Smalley: Sure it did. Sure it did. Because something that had been.. a part of you, or part of your life.. was suddenly.. severed from you.. Whatever.
John Bobbitt: It, uh.. it really, really hurt.
Stuart Smalley: Lorena? Do you hear what John is saying?
Lorena Bobbitt: Well, they found his penis! I threw it in a field, and the police found it, and the doctor sewed it back together!
Stuart Smalley: [ shakes head ] Well, that’s good. Good for you. Good for you, John. Um.. but do you see how, maybe, vutting off John’s penis was a little.. you know.. inappropriate?
Lorena Bobbitt: Yes. [ lowers head ]
Stuart Smalley: You made a mistake. And that’s okay. You’re a human being. Okay? You think that maybe it would be a good start if you, you know, told John that you were sorry for what you did?
Lorena Bobbitt: I will not apologize to that man!
Stuart Smalley: Okay. [ thinking ] How about, as a starter – as an exercise – you apologize.. to.. John’s penis? As an exercise.
Lorena Bobbitt: Okay.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Alright. Look at it. [ Lorena looks at Stuart ] Come on, don’t look at me – only you can help you. Look at it. Say “Hello.”
Lorena Bobbitt: [ looks at John’s crotch ] Hello.
Stuart Smalley: “I was very angry at you.”
Lorena Bobbitt: I was very angry at choo!
Stuart Smalley: “But that doesn’t make you a bad penis.”
Lorena Bobbitt: But that doesn’t make you a bad penis.
Stuart Smalley: “I’m sorry I cut you off and threw you in a field.”
Lorena Bobbitt: I’m sorry I cut you off and threw you in a field.
Stuart Smalley: “I’m glad they found you, and reattached you.”
Lorena Bobbitt: I’m glad they found you, and reattached you.
Stuart Smalley: “Because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and, doggonit, people like you!”
Lorena Bobbitt: No! I wil not say that!
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Well, you apologized, and that is.. you know.. that’s progress. Uh.. John. How do you feel now?
John Bobbitt: It itches.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. But are you still angry?
John Bobbitt: Yes.
Stuart Smalley: And it’s because Lorena cut off your penis?
John Bobbitt: Yes.
Stuart Smalley: And are you sure it isn’t really something else?
John Bobbitt: I’m sure.
Stuart Smalley: Okay! Well, this has been a terrific show. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
Announcer: This has been today’s Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.