Phillip the Hyper-Hypo


Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip…..Mike Myers
Grace…..Nicole Kidman

[ Scene opens with Philip harnessed to a kiddy gym. He tries several times to leap forward and break the harness but fails miserably. Grace sits quietly and plays with her Barbie dolls. Phillip finally sits down. ]

Phillip: Hi!

Grace: Hi!

Phillip: Hi!

Grace: Hi!

Phillip: What’s your name?

Grace: Grace.

Phillip: My name is Philip. How come you don’t wear a harness?

Grace: My mom doesn’t believe in it. She thinks it’s cruel.

Phillip: My mom thinks it’s very necessary. I’m hypoglycemic and hyperactive. I’m a hyper hypo. That’s why I wear a helmet. My mother’s a little overprotective.

Grace: Well, why don’t you try and get out of it.

Phillip: Okay. (Phillip tries to run and break the harness. Seeing that it’s useless he stops) I can’t right now. I’ve worn my way through six harnesses. One time, my mom’s car ran out of gas so she gave me a Snickers bar and a can of Coke; I towed the car home, seven miles. When we got home I was tired.

Grace: We just moved here from Australia. It’s nice here in America.

Phillip: Yes it is. How old are you?

Grace: Six.

Phillip: I’m six and a half.

Grace: I’m six and three quarters.

Phillip: I’m six and four fifths.

Grace: I’m six and infinity.

Phillip: I’m six and infinity plus one. Can I see that? (grabs doll) See that? This is where milk comes for the babies. This is where milk comes for the babies. Right there and there.

Grace: Give it back to me stupid.

Phillip: Shut up.

Grace: Stupid.

Phillip: Shut up.

Grace: I’m gonna talk like a robot. I’m a robot. I’m talking like a robot.

Phillip: I love you, you know.

Grace: I know. People always tell me that I’m pretty. Everyone always says, “She’s pretty.” I hate it.

Phillip: You’re conceited.

Grace: You’re a weirdo.

Phillip: I’m over you. You’re dropped.

Grace: I don’t talk to you anymore.

Phillip: I don’t think about you when you’re not here you know.

Grace: At least I don’t have to wear a harness.

Phillip: That was hurtful and unnecessary.

Grace: I’m sorry.Phillip: That’s okay.

Grace: I’m in a choir in Sydney. My mommy says I have a pretty voice.

Phillip: Wow. You’re surrounded by a lot of positive support.

Grace: What?

Phillip: Nothing.

Grace: I’m gonna sing a song for you. (Tie me kangaroo down sport song) That was fun!

Phillip: Whatever, okay.

Grace: Don’t you think I have a pretty voice?

Phillip: I gotta say you know, when you get older, people aren’t going to support you so much.

Grace: Why not?

Phillip: My cousin was a cute kid and then he hit puberty and his face exploded. Now he looks around and he’s wondering where all the people who said he was cute went to. Guess what I’m doing?

Grace: You’re smooshing your face

Phillip: I’m doing an impression of my dog. He’s a Sharpei.

Grace: I’m a Sharpei too.

Phillip: I love you again

Grace: I know.

Phillip: I’m hungry.

Grace: Oh, I have a Hershey bar.

Phillip: I’m not supposed to eat sugar.

Grace: [ eating the Hershey bar ] Mmm.. it’s really good.

Phillip: You’re the devil.

Grace: Want a bite?

Phillip: Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt.

[ Philip eats the chocolate and freaks out, breaking the jungle gym free and running off with it trailing behind him ]

Thanks to Ben Holdaway for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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