Studio of the Apes


Studio of the Apes

…..Charlton Heston
…..Joe Dicso
Virgil…..Rob Schneider
…..Phil Hartman
…..Chris Farley
…..Tim Meadows


[ open on Charlton Heston in his dressing room, sitting on the couch and talking into a mini-cassette recorder ]

Charlton Heston: And this completes my final journal entry, before I host the show. Eleven.. twenty-five P.M., December 4th A.D., 1993.

Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Mr. Heston.

Charlton Heston: Fine, Joe. I’ll just, uh.. lie down for a couple of minutes.

[ Heston lies across the couch, as he again speaks into his mini-cassette recorder ]

You know, there’s one thing still bothering me: Is man truly meant to be funny? I just don’t know.

[ Heston falls asleep, as the clock on the wall spins at a rapid pace ]

[ the years zoom by – 1994.. 1995.. 1996.. 2000.. 2050.. 2200.. stopping at 3978 ]

[ Heston wakes from his nap, now bearded and dazed ]

Charlton Heston: Wha..? what time is it..? I.. overslept.. Why the hell didn’t somebody wake me..?

[ Heston stumbles into the empty hall, failing to notice the framed photos of apes lining the walls ]

Charlton Heston: Hello? Somebody! Any.. hello..? Where is every.. Hello?! Hello..! [ echoes ] What’s going on here, anyway?

[ Heston approaches the doors to the studio, flanked with futuristic scarecrows from the “Planet of the Apes” movie. The familiar music sting eminates upon their image, then cuts as Heston notices the back of a stagehand inside the doorway ]

Charlton Heston: Oh. There’s somebody. Hey! sir? Hello?

[ the stagehand turns around – it’s an ape ]

Charlton Heston: Aaagghh!! [ runs down the hall ] Oh, my God! It’s happening again!

[ warning horn sounds, as an ape army chase after Heston ]

Apes: There’s a human on the loose! Human!

[ Heston runs past a female stagehand, who screams at the sight of the escaped human ]

Charlton Heston: I need some help! Somebody! [ peeks into the control room ] There’s apes everywhere!

[ control operators turn to face Heston – they, too, are apes ]

Charlton Heston: My God! They’ve taken over the control room!

Director: Call Security!! There’s a human loose in the studio!

[ Heston wanders in front of the musical guest stage, also flanked by a scarecrow ]

Charlton Heston: What.. kind of a show is this..?

[ cut to the show being broadcast. It’s a Richmeister sketch starring Ape Virgil in Rob Schneider’s ancient role ]

[ Ape Cornelius enters scene to make some copies ]

Virgil: Cornelius! Cornelius-o-rama! The Apeinator! Apeman! Aaaaaaape!

Cornelius: Hi, Virgil. Just making some copies.

Virgil: Alriiiiiight!! Captain Cornelius, mak-in’ cop-ies! Baron von Aaaaape!

[ Heston walks past the set, even the ape cameraman turns to notice ]

Charlton Heston: How is this possible..?

Virgil: [ points at Heston ] There he is! There! Get him! [ begins pounding on his desk in a raged fury ]

[ Heston walks across the stage, where he notices Phil Hartman and other cast members from the human cast of 1993 trapped inside a cage ]

Charlton Heston: Phil! Phil! Oh, thank God you’re alive.. I never thought I’d see you again.. This crazy place.. Phil? Phil? [ Phil stares dazed back at Heston ] What’s going on? [ turns Phil’s face, to reveal stitchery on the side of his forehead ] Oh, damn you?! Damn you, go to hell! You cut out his brain! [ notices Chris Farley staring dazed from inside the cage ] Chris? Chris! What abot you? Talk to me! Are you okay? [ no response from Chris ] Oh, my God! You cut out his brain, too!

Tim Meadows: No, Mr. Heston.. Chris is fine, he’s always like this.

Chris Farley: “Ten Commandments” was awesome!

Charlton Heston: I’m in hell! [ ape audience throws vegetables at him ] My God! The audience is apes, too!

[ the ape army runs in and covers Heston with a mesh net ]

Charlton Heston: Aaaggh!! Aaagghhh!! Take your stinkin’ hands off me, you damn dirty ape! [ seizes the netting off of him ] “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

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