Bag Man

Bag Man

Customer…..Melanie Hutsell
Elwin…..Charlton Heston
Loudspeaker Voice…..Rob Schneider
Manager…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hayden…..Julia Sweeney
Punk #1…..David Spade
Punk #2…..Adam Sandler

[ open on interior, supermarket aisle, as elder bag boy Elwin shelves groceries ]

[ a female customer approaches Elwin ]

Customer: Excuse me, are these apples fresh?

Elwin: Oh, I’ll say they are, young lady. Those are fresh Granny Smith apples, straight from the orchard. Yeah, they’d make a great pie. I’ll tell you what you do – you drop a few of those in your pocket. I won’t say a thing. Why pay for something you’re not sure you want?

Customer: Well.. sure! Maybe I will steal a couple! And, you know what? I’ll bring you a slice of pie to pay you back!

Elwin: Oh, that’s a great idea, ma’am!

Customer: Thanks!

Elwin: Thank you.

[ the female customer walks away ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on six-ounce Cling peaches.

Elwin: Uh.. three dollars and eighty-nine cents!

Loudspeaker Voice: Uh.. that can’t be right. They’re not that much.

Elwin: Oh, yes, they are, Captain!

[ Elwin’s Manager comes around the corner to reprimand him ]

Manager: [ stern ] Elwin! Six-ounce Cling peaches are fifty cents! What’s wrong with you? You know, I’ve managing here for three weeks now, and I must say you are, without a doubt, the worst employee here. I don’t know how you’ve lasted here for forty years —

Elwin: No, no – forty-two years, Captain. I-I started in 1951!

Manager: Look, Elwin, you’ve been with the company for a long time, but maybe it’s time to.. well.. you know..

Elwin: [ confused ] No. I don’t know. What?

Manager: Well, don’t you think it’s a little strange to be a bag boy at your age?

Elwin: Strange, yeah. But, then, a lot of things in this world are strange. I read in the paper that a guy actually ate 65 hot dogs to win a ten dollar bet. Now, that’s strange. And, in that same paper, I read about a fellow who got fired from his job, and then he came back the next day with a shotgun, and shot his boss and killed him. And three of his co-workers, too. And then he danced some sort of insane death dance! [ laughs ] Yeah, it is a strange world!

Manager: [ mortified ] All I’m saying is.. Cling peaches.. are fifty cents.

Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’ll remember that for sure!

[ the Manager slinks away, as Elwin continues the shelf he was working on ]

[ Mrs. Hayden approaches with her young son in their shopping cart ]

Mrs. Hayden: Hello, Elwin.

Elwin: Well! Hello, Mrs. Hayden! [ to the young boy ] Hi there, tiger!

Young Boy: Hi!

Elwin: How you doing?

Young Boy: Good.

Elwin: Hey, little guy, I-I got a present for you. [ picks up a cereal box, pulls the prize out of it and hands it to the young boy ] There we are!

Mrs. Hayden: [ chuckles ] Say thanks to Elwin, Andy!

Young Boy: Thanks.

Elwin: Now, you be good to your mother, sport!

Young Boy: Okay.

Mrs. Hayden: Okay. So long.

[ Mrs. Hayden exits down the aisle ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on a head of lettuce.

Elwin: Sixteen bucks!

[ Elwin’s Manager comes running back up the aisle ]

Manager: Are you crazy??! Sixteen bucks for a head of lettuce?!!

Elwin: Well, come to think of it, th-that is crazy. But, you know, lately I’ve been thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts. I thought lettuce was sixteen bucks, and, just before that, I thought that Cling peaches were $3.89.. and, just yesterday, I was thinking how much fun it might be to climb into a man’s house while he sleeps, and then beat him to death with a shovel! I guess.. at my age, I guess a man’s mind starts playing little tricks on him, you know?

Manager: Alright, look.. uh.. from now on, I’ll do the price checks.

Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’m with you on that!

[ the Manager walks away again, as a pair of punks approach Elwin ]

Punk #1: Awwww, hi Bag Boy! Look, it’s the bag boy! Get a promotion yet, Bag Boy?

Elwin: Aw, th-that’s funny, it really is. ‘Cause you mean, because I’ve been a bag boy for forty-two years.

[ the two punks laugh at Elwin ]

Punk #2: Hey, Bag Boy, is that your name? what’s your mom’s name? Bag Lady?

Elwin: Oh, yeah, that’s funny, too. Bag Lady. Now, that is funny. I.. I got a joke for you fellows. Now, maybe it’s an old. If it is, if you’ve heard, why, you let me know, huh? It seems there’s an old guy – this old guy, and he takes these two kids and he cuts off their heads.. [ runs his finger across their necks ] And then, um.. there they are, running around with the blood squirting out of their necks. Uh.. a roaring fountain of blood. Oh.. but, I forgot the punch line.

[ the two punks quietly slip away ]

Elwin: Those are nice young fellows.

Loudspeaker Voice: Clean up on Aisle 3.

Elwin: Yeah, what is it?

Loudspeaker Voice: Carton of eggs.

Elwin: Oh, let ’em dry – I’ll scrape ’em up later.

[ Elwin’s Manager comes running up again ]

Manager: Look, Elwin. I don’t want you to take this personally, but.. we need to make a few staff cut backs, and, well, you seem to be awful close to retirement, so I thought, maybe —

Elwin: Whoa. Why – why would I want to retire? I love working here, Captain.

Manager: Well, Elwin.. maybe it would give you more time to relax, maybe work on your hobbies —

Elwin: Yeah, yeah, I do have some hobbies. I collect coins, and I’ve got a matchbook cover for practically every diner in the southwest area —

Manager: [ chuckles happily ] Well, you see! There you go!

Elwin: Yeah. And there’s another hobby I was thinking of taking up, but, uh.. only if I had enough time on my hands. You know, the funny thing is, this one involves you. Yeah, yeah. I was gonna see how loud I could get you to scream, but.. not by using the pliers on you, but on the ones you love the best. Ohhh, I’ll bet we can get it so the screams echo off the walls of that remote tool shed for years!

Manager: [ stone-faced, filled with shock and dread ] What the hell are you —

Elwin: Well, if you retire, you gotta keep busy, right, Captain?

Manager: [ sweating ] Whoa.. whoa.. what’s all this talk about retirement? I got a feeling there’s quite a few years before you get your gold watch! [ laughs nervously ]

Elwin: Well, maybe.. maybe you’re right. I guess I’ll just stick to my coins and matchbooks, I guess, for now, that other thing will just remain a dream just out of reach.

Manager: I’m gonna go clean up those eggs..

Elwin: Right, Captain, right!

[ Manager slinks away again, prepared to hide from Elwin altogether ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on twelve-pound honery-glazed ham.

Elwin: Two for a nickel!

[ Elwin tosses his price-checker into the air ]

[ zoom out on set, as Heston walks away and we fade to commercial ]

SNL Transcripts