Coffee Talk


Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Patrick O’Callahan…..Charlton Heston

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. Well holiday season is coming, a Happy Hanukah to you and yours. Of course the big news is that I Linda Richman am going to see Barbra Joan Streisand New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas Nevada. Ach I’m dying. My sister Judy got me the tickets because she loves me and knows how much she means to me. Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Italian Neo Realist Movement in film was neither Italian nor neo nor particuarly a movement. Discuss! There I feel better. Okay we have a very special guest. His name is Patrick O’Callahan. He lives here in the building. We met during a rent strike. Welcome to Coffee Talk Patrick.

Patrick O’Callahan: Oh Thanks Linda. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Linda Richman: Can you believe this is my new boyfriend(pinches his cheek) such a goyeschaponnum. He’s got the map of Ireland written on that face. Tell em what you used to do.

Patrick O’Callahan: I’m a retired New York policeman.

Linda Richman: Can you believe it? An Irish cop and me it’s like a sitcom. I feel like I’m on Bridget loves Bernie the Golden Years. The first time he came to my apartment, I thought you’re a goy so you’re probably a drinker. Are you hungry? Fix yourself a bowl of scotch.

Patrick O’Callahan: That’s great Linda I love all of your stick.

Linda Richman: That’s sch-tick.

Patrick O’Callahan: Sch-tick. That’s right. I feel like such a smuck.

Linda Richman: Close enough. Close enough. Don’t go changing just to please me. I’ll tumble for you. Let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Linda. First of all I think Patrick is very attractive.

Patrick O’ Callahan: Thanks. I’m ker velling.

Linda Richman: That’s kavelling, not ker-velling like ker-plunk. Okay what’s your question?

Caller #1: Did you see Barbra’s new album called “Back on Broadway”?

Linda Richman: Are you kidding? It’s like buttah. Each song is like a stick of buttah. That album is on the Land O Lakes label. It’s to die for. Our number is 555-4444 Hello? You’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hello Linda? Did you hear of a new unauthorized biography called “Call Me Barbra”?

Linda Richman: Fech. Nebech pooh pooh pooh Staligze ziebe zieble sie koppen drratd.

Caller #2: What does that mean?

Patrick O’Callahan: It means uh stick your head in the ground and act like an uh, an onion.

Linda Richman: Very Good. Well Erin Go Bra to you.

Patrick O’Callahan: That was from our first date.

Linda Richman: I still can’t believe I’m going to see Barbra in Las Vegas. It gives shpilkes in my genecktegessoink. Too much good is nishkit.

Patrick O’ Callahan: Linda, you’re getting some shpilkes (hesitates) well orveshamin.

Linda Richman: He tries. God knows he tries. Bless Him. God bless him. Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #3: Hello Patrick, what are your feelings about Linda, and what are your intensions?

Patrick O’Callahan: What’s Linda like? She’s like butter.

Linda Richman: Start.

Patrick O Callahan: When I first met her, I thought that woman had alot of spunk. She has alot of tutchspahk. You’re some woman Linda I’m honored to know you.

Linda Richman: How can you not love this man?He’s my hubble from the way we were. Hubble? There I go again I’m all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you yes another topic. The Partridge Family were neither Partridges nor a family Discuss! There I feel better. Thank you.

Patrick O’Callahan: Linda I want you to know I’m very serious about our relationship.

Linda Richman: Patrick, if you should ever move in, I never want to hear this question. Where should we put the tree? I don’t want to be seeing pictures of you know who and I’m not talking about Santa Claus.

Patrick O’Callahan: Linda, I’m not talking moving in. Linda, will you marry me?

Linda Richman: Oye gotanu. Now I’m getting to be verklempt again. That’s all the time we have for this week. Thank you Patrick. To be continued. I’m Linda Richman. Good night.

(scene fades)

Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Tristian McMullen
Tristian McMullen
3 years ago

Hi my name is Tristan McMullen and I was thinking about telling you linda Rickman will you fall in love with me LOL

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