Charlton Heston’s Monologue


Charlton Heston’s Monologue

…..Charlton Heston
Female Ape Audience Member…..Sarah Silverman
Male Ape Audience Member #1…..Tom Davis
Male Ape Audience Member #2…..
Male Ape Audience Member #3…..Norm MacDonald
…..Lorne Michaels


Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Captured slave Charlton Heston!

[ two members of the ape army drag a shackled Heston onto Home Base – the ape audience is pleased ]

Charlton Heston: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, even it is as a prisoner.

[ the members of the ape army growl at Heston ]

Now, now.. you apes are probably wondering how a.. human being like me can.. talk! Am I some kind of a mutant? Nah. Well, if there’s one thing I want to make clear to you apes tonight.. it’s that I am not a mutant! I am a human being!! I can speak! But I am not a mutant! [ female ape audience member stands ] Yeah? Yes? There seems to be a question now.

Female Ape Audience Member: Yeah, are you some kind of talking mutant?

Charlton Heston: Nooo! I just said I’m not a mutant! I’m a human being! From your past, when human beings spoke! [ male ape audience member stands ] Yes.. yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #1: Uh.. are there.. are there other talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: I told you I am not a mutant! You don’t understand! [ points to another ape in the audience ] Yes.. over here.

Male Ape Audience Member #2: Where do you keep your tribe of talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: [ exasperated ] I don’t think you’re paying attention to what I’m telling you! [ points to another ape ] Yes? Yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Yeah, uhh.. am I crazy, or are you a, uh.. [ extended pause ] ..are you a human?

Charlton Heston: Yes! Yes, I am!

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Then, where the hell did you learn to talk like an ape, you damn mutant?!

Charlton Heston: This is insane! [ pushes the apes away ] Let go off me! [ looks around ] Lorne? Lorne! Is Lorne here?

[ two other member of the ape army drag a shackled, yet highball-holding, Lorne Michaels before Heston ]

Lorne Michaels: There you are. Just play along – the apes are a great audience! They’re crazy about humans!

Charlton Heston: It’s a madhouse! It’s a madhouse! Well.. I guess I have no choice. you apes are a good audience.. we have a great show for you. Paul Westerberg is here, so.. stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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